The New Leaf
The New Leaf
It was a bright sunny day with a beautiful climate and I was back home from my hostel, but deep down I had this unknown feeling which made me feel something was not right, but I was happy to go back home and so I didn't give much importance to my Gut feeling, I was enjoying the breeze as I was sitting in the train looking out the window, I was thinking of all the dreams that I ever had as I was deep in my thoughts. And about all the nice things I can do when I reach home. I reached home and there were Amit Uncle and my younger brother waiting for me at the station, we all caught an auto to go home, by the time I reached home mom was waiting there for me and she told me she wanted to talk something important with me, I told I will freshen up and come back in a minute.
As I came back to our study room I noticed that Amit uncle our family friend, my mom and my younger brother were deeply discussing something, as my father's business was currently handled by uncle Amit since my father was no more, I thought it was something relating to that. Mom saw me and asked me to have a seat, she told " We have decided to" there was hesitation in her voice. And I asked her not to worry and tell me what was in her mind, she told with hesitation " We have decided to get you married to Uncle Amit as he is asking your hand in marriage"
My world got shattered with that one phrase, I got shattered into a million thoughts, the guy who was my father's friend, the guy who I thought was like our guardian, the guy who I called as an uncle, the guy who was way too elder to me was asking my hand in marriage. I couldn't find my voice for a minute. But I did respond " I'm not willing to marry I have my dreams to accomplish " and I ran to my room and I don't know why but I couldn't stop crying that day and I kept crying until I fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning and it took me a minute to realize where I was and I really wished that whatever happened last night was a dream. I came out of my room and saw my mom who was a working woman, was still at home, she called me, made me sit next to her and started advising me on the several perspectives of marriage, she said " child, marriage is not going to come in the way of your dreams or its going to take away your freedom, but it gives you freedom and new dreams "
And she told how good Amit uncle took care of the family and business after dad's demise and how loving he was as a person. I still said " No mom it's Amit uncle!! , How can I even think about marrying him " and tears started rolling down my cheeks and she continued persuading me the entire day which felt like years. I went to sleep that day thinking of what was right, and what was wrong. Now even things that happened before made sense to me, like his interest in me since long and moms desire to get me married to him. And I thought about how he was from a different state and me from a different state. And our language difference, caste, creed and religion differences
No One Of Support
The next morning, as usual, the persuasion continued in ways one can never imagine, Mom stopped talking with me, my own younger brother who I thought will be on my side, ditched me when I most needed him, he said " l would have married Amit uncle if I was a girl " he went on to act cruelly to me and scolded me all the time. No one to feed me food though I restrained to eat home-cooked food, there was a hidden desire here that mom would at least ask me to eat.
Days got worse where I had to eat uncooked vegetables to fill my tummy. I won't say I was alone in this, my mom's housemaid was good enough to give me food I liked & though she accepted this marriage before everyone, she personally advised me never to get married to him as he was much older than me.
Trouble In Paradise
I decided to tell mom that I'll get married, I went and told her that " I'll get married but not to Amit uncle but to Revo my school mate" (who I had a crush on) my mom didn't respond. But I realized later through a deaf and dumb friend of mine, who came home to talk to me, the only friend who was allowed to come to my home & talk to me, that Revo's family was warned by Amit uncle & his brothers.
I, later on, plotted an escape plan to my grandparent's place, I called them without my mom's knowledge and planned on leaving that night, I had everything ready and I had some gold which I decided to sell and stole some money from mom. And kept some clothes in a bag.
At night I was ready to leave and as I was about to leave outside I realized that there were people outside guarding our house I was caught red-handed and from the next day I was in house arrest, everything was snatched away from me, I was no longer allowed to go out even for church and my college life never even began. Things were falling apart even more than it already was.
Almost a year passed in the hell that my life was, I was a pious person and always believed in God. One day as though it was a plot, a nun came home and told me to get married to him stating that " obeying your parents is one of the commandments, though it may sound wrong God will bless you twice, for following his commandment "
And she also said that even though he belonged to some other religion I can pull him to mine with all the love that I can shower on him, And I don't know why I believed her words and was thoughtful
The entire evening I thought and at night I told mom " I'm now ready to get married to Amit Uncle "
That night Amit uncle came home and he came to my room and started kissing me slowly and passionately. I was 18 and I didn't know how to respond as my body was experiencing something of this sort for the first time.
The Great Fall
I married him after a month's long preparation, life looked all fine for a few months, maybe a year, but deep down I was not happy as I was neither allowed to worship my God nor allowed to speak my language, and as it was a joint family they were strict and I was never allowed to go out of the house.
I was pregnant, he tried to keep me happy by not allowing me to do the few things that made me happy. I had a Rubella Attack during my pregnancy and I gave birth to my daughter in 8 months, and to make things worse she had a hole in her heart and had 60% eardrum damage. But she was my miracle child who didn't suffer any nerve disorder in spite of me having rubella during pregnancy, and the hole in the heart closed all by itself, naturally in a few months.
The Lucky Child
After Samaira turned 1, my grandparents and my aunt and uncle wanted to meet her because of which we went back to our hometown, which was after around 5 years, as we never went to our native since my dad died.
The day was beautiful there as I was able to talk my mother tongue and allowed to worship my God, no one to ask and I met my childhood friend Samuel he was as happy to meet me as I was, we exchanged numbers and we started talking to each other, I liked him since childhood, I felt as if he bought great colors to my colorless life, he understood me, he was my solace when I was not happy with my life, things just felt so good around him, I knew that I was falling in love with him, I knew which was wrong, but I was young and reckless and was carried away by all the charms.
Things were going well with us. Samuel and I talked every day, we used to talk like couples do, we were in love with each other and happened to cherish each other's company. But my husband one day checked my phone & knew that I was talking with a guy though he didn't read the text, he never gave my phone back. Because he was already a doubtful man who kept me away from the world & hated me talking to men .
I had another phone which Samuel gave me and we continued to cherish each other's company.
All the giggles, laughter, and happiness, our phone calls & chats gave me a kind of happiness, that can never be mentioned in words.
Heaven on Earth
Things started getting more intense with us . One fine day when I was in my place upstairs Samuel came up through the window with the help of the water pipes. He was so handsome drenched in sweat, his body was so wanting, his smile so captivating , he was looking as good as I ever wished & his voice was filled with so much concern & love, his eyes were looking down on me with so much of concern, he looked at me the way I always wished someone would, full of love in his eyes , as he came near me I couldn't say no, his touch as cold as eyes but soothing, he started kissing me everywhere, his soft lips burning my skin, there was no place in my body his hands & lips didn't explore, and he kept kissing me passionately.
In the very moment we heard some one coming & he had to leave, he ran & climbed down as fast as he could & I tried to act as normal, it was my brother who came in & handed over to me a bill which was mine.
Things weren't the same, as it is always said, good things never last longer, Samuel was about to get married because of his family's continuous persuasion. He even once asked me to run away from my husband's house with my kids and come to his house & get married to him, which was never easy for me as I didn't want my kids or my family to suffer because of me.
So I decided to end things, so I went to his room in an hotel, where he was staying, not in my husband's place but my hometown, where I got all my freedom to roam around , I tried making him understand how I didn't want to be the another woman in his life, about how much I loved him but about my position because of which I can never spent my life with him. But things went on to a different direction as he came near me & started kissing me, though we were close we never made out or had sex with each other, but that day everything went out of my hands, our hands started exploring each other, and all our clothes were torn apart, still kissing we jumped right on to the bed, and things happened.
But that was our first & last time together , we never met again & I blocked him as he kept on calling me & messaging me inspite of me explaining everything .
Things never went well for me without him, I missed him so much every single day that I used to sit in the kitchen or bathroom & close my mouth tight & cry so much that a tank can be filled with all the tears that I have ever shed. I felt the urge to talk to him & the want to meet him all the time . But I had control over me . I prayed everyday to God to give me the power to go through this.
Life Is Dark
I hated myself for having a relationship with a guy outside marriage, that too when he wanted us to continue it even when he was getting married. I realized what I was doing was wrong, I wanted to make everything right, with a lot of struggle I broke the relationship, I tried to find happiness in my kids. I moved out of the relationship after four long years of being in it, it was hard but I never wanted to be another woman in a woman's life. I know what I did was wrong and I did never get back to the old ways. But I always did hate my husband for all the things that he had done to me & I was never really guilty that I had cheated on him .
But mom understood after years that what she did was wrong ,that forcing me into marriage was the most sinful decision of her life , but everyone knew it was too late, but I had to go through it in ways people will never understand . I was this scared kid all the years which never gave me the courage to come out of that marriage, & I never did .
Things never changed but I knew just the right thing to do and God showered me with blessings for that.
I moved out of the joint family to a nuclear family where I got my freedom back and I took over my dad's business and maintained it in such a way that everybody was proud of my growth. I would never say I love my husband but I'm happy with my life with my kids and my home and what I have done with my life.
Things changed between me & my brother too, as he grew up, he understood what I went through all these years because of this marriage, and slowly he was on my side, but divorcing was never my choice nor my family would ever accept it. But life moved on . And I moved on . Accepting the reality and not just embracing it but changing things in such a way, in my style was the one thing that helped me survive.
My husband as he aged understood all my suffering, though it was too late to mend, I'm happy that he did understand at last . And I have forgiven him for everything that he has done.
Life moves on.