The Gaze

A single gaze can kill a heart, I suppose. My wrist has been cut open and blood is dripping from it continuously. I am feeling nothing. The only pain I am feeling right now is in my heart. The gazes once I wished to meet now creep me out the most. Those gazes pierce my heart. My heart is bleeding. It will not heal anymore. 

It was on Pahela Baishakh. The day still remains vivid in my memory since I am never allowed to forget about it. It is the day which marks the beginning of my end. I went to his place alone. I only just wanted to borrow a book for the next day exam and he told me to come. How could I know it was a trap? Whenever I gazed at him, my eyes always created an image of a gentleman. How could I know that this person is actually a depraved lecher? In my eyes, a teacher was a guardian who would love the students. He also loved me but in a twisted way. I loved to meet his gaze since his eyes reflected the image of a bright student who is confident in herself. But on that day, everything was different. My reflection in his eyes was different. All I could see a terror-stricken face of a helpless girl who became a mere object of his lust. I was completely frozen. Back in my mind I had only one wish then. I just wanted to disappear. 

I do not know what happened then. My memory became hazy for a few minutes. Probably I pushed him to the ground and ran away. The only thing I remember is that he got suspended from school permanently. Still, I could not relax, could I?

"You always blame your teacher for everything though it is your fault! It becomes your habit", our History teacher became very angry with his students. He could not accept the fact that his colleague was suspended. Though he did not specify anyone, I knew who he was indicating. He was staring at me with his scornful eyes. I was afraid but cannot help gazing into eyes. My own reflection startled me. What I saw was an image of a sinner who deserved capital punishment. I shut my eyes again. My chest was heavy. I felt suffocated.

"You are thirteen! You are matured enough to understand this. You went to his place alone! What a fool you are!", our Home Economics teacher was staring at me with angry eyes. In her eyes, I saw the reflection of a careless fool who brought about her own demise by her foolishness. I immediately cast my eyes down. My chest was hurting again.

"I thought he was a gentleman. How could he do this to you!", she gave me a surprised look. She was one of my classmates and also my enemy. I gazed into her eyes. I saw what I expected. I turned into a stupid fool who became the object of her mockery. "Mind your own business, bitch!", I should have said it to her face but I could not. My chest was burning.

"Don't worry. Everything will be alright", my friend was trying to console me with her sweet words. But I knew she was lying. She was only just giving me the illusion of a happy life. The reality was different and she knew it. Her gaze was full of compassion for a helpless girl who lost all her possibilities to get a perfect life. I turned my eyes aside. I felt a sharp pain inside the chest.

"What will happen to my daughter? I don't see any hope", my mother was lamenting. Her poor daughter was bitten by a snake. Now she is poisoned. There is no cure. Her daughter's life is ruined. The thing I found in my mother's eyes is despair. I could not help feeling sorry for myself.

I am feeling very sleepy. I cannot see anything properly. My vision is getting blurry. My pain is also gone. My heart is dying. It cannot be saved.