Struggle Of A Teen

I was eleven when all this happened. Lockdown had started and I was elated to spend my so called 'vacations' with my bestie Pooja. Now i had known Pooja for almost four years now and she was this perfect friend anyone could ask for. She was an excellent bharatnatyam dancer and we used to learn under the same teacher. She was far better than me and i accepted for i didn't have any problem from learning from others. But the problem with our teacher was that she used to body shame us. Like i said Pooja was perfect and i mean it but me on the other. I was on the chubby side because i had a few health problems which most of my teachers and friends knew but even after that knowledge my teacher used to criticize my dancing and judge me based on my weight which my mother found is offensive. 

Back in 2019 before COVID started Pooja used to compete in many dance competitions which she used often win and bag the first or second prize but all this winning went into her head and she started becoming overconfident. Now i don't care about that but let's be real who likes when your bestie is trying to constantly correct even after you told you know how to do it. And that's when our friendship started going downhill.

When COVID started our friendship was still okay. We used to talk and call each other up then she opened up her YouTube channel and started making cooking videos and asked me to do the same so i did. But the problem with my teacher became too much. She showed too much partiality towards Pooja always favouring her over other disciples. Then one evening during our evening online dance class Pooja instructs me in the chat of how to the step correctly and how i should not make the teacher furious. I snapped that day and i had to put an end to everyone telling me what to do. In the spur of a moment and in that anger i started calling her names and she being no less called me more.

And that's about how our friendship ended and how we started competing in everything. In classes, studies, YouTube, dance, name a thing and we would fight over it. Losing my best friend and my only one and she being my one one because she used to bad moth every other child and made them look bad so i won't be friends with them but on the other hand she used to be best buddies with those same kids. So i had no friends and due to lockdown i was confined within my four walled apartment. Slowly i started going into depression and i started having anxiety

I had made several attempts to take my life but my brother's face would come into my mind which would make me contemplate my decision. I could a friend in 2021 and that friend is my best friend now and my only reason i am alive.

I know you all must be like how can u be alive because of your new best friend and I'll tell you why. In December 2022 my depression started getting bad and i was having symptoms of bipolar also. There were days i would go to school without taking a bath days where i would not eat a single meal. There came a point in life where i wrote suicide notes for my parents and my new best friend. And told her about it. She lost it and went crying to her parents telling how i was about to take my life that night. The very next day my parents took me to a therapist who confirmed i had severe depression due to trauma of losing my only friend at such a young age. She asked me make amends with Pooja and the truth is I really tried doing it.

But Pooja just won't budge and now I am stuck in this life where the thought of Pooja gives me panic and anxiety attacks and I have to take antidepressants everyday to overcome the fear that my current friends who are the best will not leave me.