Strange Dream

I see black and white everything today. I discovered myself as 40 years old man and I am smoking sitting in my apartment room next to the window. I have decided to commit suicide today. It is raining outside. Lightning strikes nearby my apartment. I heard the sound of lightning. I threw the cigarette butt. I need to jump off from a nearby Mountain. Probably nobody is awake at this midnight. I left my room and came outside. I am walking along the street. I am wet like shit. It is not possible to identify my voice my tears. Nature covers me up today. I am going to mix up with soil within a month after my death. I committed every kind of crime in my life. I slept with thousands of girls. I deceived some of them with my soft words. I killed thousands of people. I enjoyed living in the best possible ways. I have been to every country in the world. I slept with almost every country’s girl. I have no issues with money and power. I have killed people for political reasons mostly by my leaders. I changed my name so many times in the passport. I carried the most powerful passports in the world. I would be the most wanted killer in the world. Unfortunately, my name never appeared on the criminal list since I worked for political crimes.

I betrayed so many girls by the name of love and many of them committed suicide. The family lodged the police report so many times but I shut them up with my power and money. I am the above law. I am the hidden always. I have no sense of dignity and mercy and morality. I graduated from the most prestigious university in the world. I never knew who were my parents. I know myself as a bastard over the years. In my passports, I made up some fake addresses and my parent's names but all were fake. The whole system in the world is the most corrupt and helpless to the power and money as I realized over these 40 years of my life. Money is the God. Power is the God. I have seen the crying of thousands of victims. All the world literature is full of lies. All the religions in the world are full of fake promises. If you think we create something for humanity that’s the biggest lie. We invent something for our personal demands. We talk about the safety and well-being of others but we really do not care when it comes to our interests. We prioritize our interest over everything. A priest is begging to save humanity to the soldiers to finish his responsibility in case God subjected him. A doctor is prescribing because he will get the money if he prescribes the patient. If he shows mercy, it means there is a reason behind it (maybe his parents died without treatment and he finds that in that particular patient). When we humans do a particular action, we have a specific reason for that particular action.

My thinking was shifting as I was walking in the rain and I was confused about what was going on with my thoughts and action. I find myself in such a strange position. I walked through the dark but I see like evening time. What’s going on I cannot understand. I started thinking of some people.

I was talking to myself saying I met with some madmen through my life as well. They fell in love. A boy used to spend all of his money on a girl instead of his family. Another boy left the medical job for a girl. A boy left his final year degree for a girl. A boy committed suicide after he helped his girlfriend to fulfill her dream of being a medical doctor. That was a striking story I need to mention the details in few sentences. The girl’s mother died the year before his father died and she had two younger sisters and one younger brother. When his father died nobody was there except that boy. The girl started to do prostitution for money and the boy knew and had no objection and he helped as well. When she got a chance into medical and she came to that boy and he managed all the money that can be sufficient for her 10 years. The girl had to move to a different city and she never heard the boy news unless one day someone came and informed the boy committed suicide.

Randomly I said to myself again I saw consisting 5 members in a family with a father who was the only source of income and my father died in fever one day. Who was to blame? All the 3 kids were girls age lesser than 10. No money left behind when the father died.

My mind shifted again and uttering I met with so many prostitutes and they need money to feed their kids. Some of them came to this field when their husbands died and some of them who involved since their husbands is paralyzed at home. Husband left but wife needs to feed kids. How to solve it? Unemployment and lack of education these cause problems.

Reading the bible has been useless now for me. I hate religious lies. In the past, I had hoped on religion thinking maybe some hope existing there. But the more and more I experienced life. The more and more I read I lost my hope in religion. I finished reading all the scriptures in the world and I find nothing but historical lies with miraculous events saving the good believers but we know the reality. I turned into philosophy for few years as well but I find philosophers are coward as well. They portrayed the picture of suffering and our fate for our actions but they ran away from the problems as soon as you go to them. They can highest say to you but if you go, they do not know how to solve the problem because they are poor and incapable of themselves without economy. To say and to do can never be equal. Philosophers are the coward writers of human beings. They know the fate but they can do shit but laugh at you and they humiliate themselves and get pleasure with that. All the ideal states they created turned out to be stupid nonsense for society. Show me one real ideal state in the entire human history or show me, one real successful man, following one ideal philosophy. Those who wrote themselves cannot follow what they wrote for individual development. This has been possible to the movie only. I read the books in world literature. Writers showed the problem only but the solution they came up with is far from reality. What is the relevance of all the actions in the world? We lead a life without any real intrinsic meaning rather we create false and illusionary intrinsic meaning for our actions and try to move forward.

I reached the bottom of Mountain and I felt like committing suicide would be absurd. I better return to my home and appreciate and enjoy my life with false meaning-making tools as I told myself. We live on this planet for once and we should enjoy it in whatever possible way. Be it hypocritic or whatever since the concept of hypocrisy does not exist apart from our human mind. Let the world be a fool and we keep on going as stoic students. I saw a girl there and slowly transformed into a ghost coming towards me to chase me and I was so scared and about to run.

I wake up in rush. I discovered myself in the bed in my room. I went to the washroom and came back and took a water bottle and finished all water. I went to my reading area and sat at the table. I thanked God that I was dreaming and I was astonished by my character and thoughts in my dream. I finished Trotsky’s autobiography yesterday. I picked up the novel “Animal Farm” by George Orwell and started reading. I finished Dostoyevsky’s “The Notes from Underground” earlier today.