Rising Again
Rising Again
The human life is extremely unpredictable and uncertain. This uncertainty of life confronts us with difficult challenges. Today may be full of joys, but there is always the possibility of facing great sorrows tomorrow. This universal experience is a reminder of the importance of flexibility and adaptability in dealing with the uncertainties of life.
My life is also filled with challenges and uncertainties.
I still remember the evening of mid-September 2023, it was truly beautiful. We were all eagerly anticipating the cooler days ahead as the hot and humid weather was about to end.
My family and I had a heartwarming get-together and a small celebration at our home. This was particularly special for us as it was our first family reunion since we moved from Chandigarh to Jammu.
What made it special was that it was the effort of our loved ones that made it happen.
Despite the challenges we faced, my husband and I married for 36 years, were enjoying our lives. We cherished the wonderful and genuine connections we had with our family. Our family has always been a blessing to me, and I am grateful for it.
As the evening wound down with sweet scoops of ice cream and parting hugs, it became increasingly magical. We all had an amazing time together. The best part was seeing the smiles and happiness all around me.
As someone who loves outings and travels, I was tasked with finalizing the place for our next family trip within the next few days. Excitedly, I suggested a few places.
Little did I know that the next morning, my life would be turned upside down.
Before leaving, everyone reminded me to finalize the place quickly so that we could make the necessary bookings well in advance. After the last guest left, I tidied up the kitchen and hit my head on the pillow; slowly, my eyes shut as I let sleep take over me. Soon sleep completely embraced me.
The next morning, I woke up late and heard my husband asking for a cup of tea. After two days of continuous rain, it was a beautiful morning. The sun's rays were reflecting through the window pane of the room.
The moment I opened the window, the dawning breeze felt so soothing on my face.
As nature enthusiasts, we make it a point to enjoy our morning tea on the terrace of our house, regardless of the season.
While sipping the tea, I felt a pang of hunger. I realized that I hadn't eaten much the night before being the host. While absentmindedly running my hand over my stomach, I accidentally touched my left breast and felt a lump.
A big lump.
Fear and anxiety washed over me as I grappled with the possibility of something being wrong.
Without saying a word, I allowed my husband to feel the lump (a doctor), and his serious expression confirmed the gravity of the situation.
(Recently one of my maternal aunts was diagnosed with breast cancer.)
He stared in blankness for a moment, his right hand started twitching while holding the cup of tea.
Finally, he took a long, deep breath locked his eyes with mine, and calmly instructed me to pack essential items as we prepared to leave for Chandigarh immediately. Without informing anyone beforehand we left.
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Upon reaching Max Hospital in Mohali, we consulted Dr. Ritesh Pruthi, a renowned onco surgeon, who recommended numerous tests and investigations.
It was our good fortune that almost all the investigations including Mammography, FNAC, Biopsy, PET Scan, etc were done under one roof.
Within 3/4 days, we had received almost all the reports.
In the doctor's cabin, I anxiously awaited his words, hoping for a different outcome. As he spoke, everything felt distant and blurred, and I struggled to comprehend the gravity of the situation. The following moments were filled with excruciating pain as we absorbed the harsh reality of the diagnosis.
The reports revealed: the devastating diagnosis:
"Stage three breast cancer, triple-negative aggressive type."
It was as if all my senses had gone out of my reach. I could barely recognize the beating of my heart, and soon, there was only an ominous silence in its place.
His words were like waves of turmoil crashing upon me.
He explained in a sympathetic voice. Though I was very attentive, deep inside rest was a blur to me. With a broad, fake smile plastered on my face; I heard the harshest decision of my life, the times to come, I would lose one of my body parts, a beautiful feminine part of which every woman feels proud.
However, despite my positive outlook, a personal catastrophe deeply shook me, revealing my vulnerability and lack of strength to confront such a situation.
My mind was crowded with thousands of thoughts. I was determined to calm myself down, managing to hold back my tears and explain things to myself as rationally as possible.
From the beginning, I have always been energetic, optimistic, adaptable, and strong enough to handle any situation.
However, here, I couldn't come to terms with the fact that I would have to lose one of my body parts that defined my femininity. At that time, I wasn't even thinking about the seriousness of the disease or the side effects of the chemotherapy. My main concern was more for the mastectomy than other complications.
I insisted that only the lump should be removed and not the entire organ. Dr Pruthi was very concerned. He sympathetically explained to me and said to let the chemo sessions be completed first, and then he would rethink it.
Despite the doctor's attempt to reassure me, my mind was consumed by endless thoughts. I stepped outside to regain composure, holding back tears as I attempted to convey the news to my family.
I was 58, and was in the best physical shape of my life prior to diagnosis, engaging in daily 7-8km walks, yoga, and maintaining a healthy diet.
Then how did such a disease grip me?
The diagnosis of any form of cancer can instigate intense panic within the individual and their family. Realizing the need to approach the issue with courage, I acknowledged that it was impossible to avoid and necessary to confront.
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The subsequent events represented yet another shocking twist in our lives, adding to the series of unexpected challenges we had faced.
However, with each challenge, I endeavoured to persevere, hoping that it would be the last.
Following a few years of marriage, I was diagnosed with tuberculosis of the lymph nodes, necessitating a comprehensive treatment plan spanning nearly a year.
Those days (1991) the societal stigma associated with this condition led me to express a sentiment that it would have been preferable to have cancer, a statement that my husband, a medical professional (a doctor), passionately opposed, shedding light on the weight of such words.
Little did I know the words that came out abruptly of my mouth at that time would come true in the future.
The societal pressure related to not having children further compounded the challenges I faced, creating a perception of being an outsider in a world heavily focused on children.
We tried the IVF technique 5 or 6 times, but none of the attempts were successful. Accepting God's will, we happily embraced this challenge in our lives. Both of us were working and busy with life, so we didn't dwell on this issue and continued to enjoy our lives. Although society would occasionally remind us of our situation.
I didn't take the issue of kids to heart though, but throughout these tribulations, I recognized how people can elicit profound questions about your life's personal aspects and trigger painful moments.
Our lives were proceeding uneventfully. Meanwhile, we extensively travelled and embraced various experiences. Our travels encompassed extensive explorations of India and included several overseas excursions.
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However, our circumstances took a drastic turn when my spouse received a diagnosis of Parkinson's disease at the age of 52 much younger than the average age of onset.
At that time, he held the position of associate professor at a prestigious medical college in Jammu. It was an ironic twist of fate that, while delivering a lecture on the symptoms of Parkinson's, he recognized those very same symptoms that he had been exhibiting for some time.
For the first 4-5 years, there was no medication. Initially, the changes were subtle, but gradually, the disease progressed, leading to the introduction of mild medication. Meanwhile, we quit our jobs and relocated to Chandigarh, where we had recently purchased an apartment, and of course, there were better medical facilities than in Jammu. My parents, a big support to us also own a house in Chandigarh.
It has been 20 years now, and we are still dealing with the impact of this disease.
Currently, my partner is in the 4th stage of the disease. Some years ago, he suffered a fall from the stairs, resulting in blood clots on both sides of his brain, and subsequently required burr hole surgery in Chandigarh.
As time went on, he began using a stick to prevent frequent falls. Additional medications were prescribed by doctors to address drooling, balance problems, step hesitancy, and more.
Despite our hopes for improvement, the condition did not get better. As a carer, it is heart-wrenching to witness our loved one struggling with the challenges of Parkinson's.
I want to emphasize that caregiving can be immensely difficult if there isn't genuine love and care. However, I have never felt burdened by it. I don't consider it a duty, but rather a privilege, as I love him and feel blessed to have him in my life.
We are now facing the most challenging phase of Parkinson’s disease:
"the off and on phenomenon."
One moment, he seems fine, active, and talkative, one moment later, he becomes suddenly inactive, unable to speak clearly or walk properly.
At such an advanced stage of the disease, solving one problem often leads to the onset of another. There is a series of unexpected challenges to navigate.
One more challenging phase was when he started experiencing hallucinations. Once a brilliant physician full of life and quick-witted, today his personality is overshadowed by seeing images that aren’t really there.
My heart sank the day I walked into the sitting room and he was talking to someone, offering a piece of bread. When I looked at where he was pointing, all I saw was an empty chair.
The doctor then reduced some of the medications, and slowly, the hallucinations lessened but could not go away completely.
The most painful thing about this disease is that I have to watch my handsome, passionate, and friendly husband disappear bit by bit, right in front of my eyes while I just stand helpless in a corner.
The impact of the disease has changed him entirely: when the glowing and smiling face of the young man turned dull, long, and expressionless, and when used to stand erect like a pillar, he began to walk slightly with a limp, just happened in front of me and I couldn’t do anything.
Despite the challenges, we persist in finding joy in life with the unwavering support of our loved ones.
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Then, one day, our world was rocked by devastating news:
I received a diagnosis of;
"Stage three breast cancer, triple-negative aggressive type."
This was the most difficult phase of our lives. The caregiver herself was dealing with a serious illness. Despite trying to stay positive, I couldn't help but be preoccupied with the concern about how he would manage during my hospitalization for surgery and another treatment plan. My foremost concern was for his well-being even overshadowing my own circumstances.
During that time, my mother, who is over 85, and my brother were a big moral support to me. My brother was based in Mumbai; daily, he used to call me to boost my morale. He and one of my cousins helped out occasionally. Both were present during my surgery and a few chemo sessions, especially my cousin, who also took care of my diet plan.
In between, our family in Jammu makes themselves available for us from time to time.
However, most of the time, it was just the two of us managing the long, tiring, and demanding treatment plan. The plan involved 12 sessions of chemotherapy followed by surgery, and then 28 radiation sessions.
I received the diagnosis on September 16th and underwent the first chemotherapy session on September 23rd.
Dr Ritesh Pruthi, a great surgeon whom I have initially approached, is known for his compassionate and gentle approach, he referred me to Dr Gautam Goyal, a Medicine Oncologist and one of the best doctors at Max.
Sometimes, it's crucial to have a medical team that is competent, attentive, efficient, and compassionate. However, on my journey with cancer, I have been fortunate to cross paths with some incredible people. I value doctors at Max, especially Dr. Gautam Goyal, Dr. Karnika, Dr. Ritesh Pruthy, Dr. Lovedeep, and Dr. Pankaj who are such sweet, gentle, and fabulous doctors and of course are good listeners. They understood the importance of listening, stayed focused, and made me feel heard. They also recognize the anxiety and impatience that comes with a cancer diagnosis.
I've had an exceptional experience with staff who ensure that I never have to worry. Deep down, I was also completely relaxed and confident that I was in good hands.
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Now began the most challenging journey of my life:
"The Cancer Journey"
It was the time when our roles, mine and my husband's suddenly switched off; the caregiver was the patient, and the patient was the caregiver.
My 70-year-old husband is a person with an exceptional personality. Despite his Parkinson's disease-related challenges, he always remains supportive of me and never complains. He confronts his disease with a positive attitude, a sense of humour, and a passion for reading. His musical talent, particularly his flute playing, is instrumental in helping him battle this condition, making him a true inspiration to many.
He has been by my side throughout every chemo session, radiation session, and surgery. Despite experiencing freezing episodes which hinder his movement and speech, he has always been there for me. On one occasion, he was unable to join me for chemotherapy because of his severe freezing episode; that day, I went alone for chemo. Later on he felt very guilty about that day, which kept haunting him for a long time.
As time went on, he not only became my primary caregiver but also tended to my personal needs. He transformed into the hero of my life, a real superhero.
I have started my chemotherapy sessions but couldn't muster the courage to tell my mom about my illness. As my husband was also receiving treatment at Max Hospital, she didn't suspect that it was me going to the hospital every day for various tests.
In the first few days, whenever we returned from the hospital, I caught her staring at me with concern.
After the first chemotherapy session, she asked about the bandage on my arm. I put her off by making some excuses to avoid telling her the truth.
When you are keeping a secret from someone, every encounter feels like doomsday.
Deep down, you know that eventually, the truth will come out.
Then, one day it became impossible to hide the truth from her; when my hair started falling out, my brother realized that now is time to tell her.
It's incredibly difficult for a mother to handle the news of her daughter's illness.
She cried for days and begged God, questioning why her daughter had to bear such a burden while already dealing with so many problems. How could she handle this alone?
After that, I noticed my mother sobbing all the time as if I was about to leave this world forever. Postponing death for a couple of years may not mean much to an individual, but it could mean the world to loved ones, especially to parents.
Despite my reassurances, she would continue to cry secretly.
I would comfort her, saying "Don't worry, Mom. Everything will be fine. God is with us. He will not do anything bad to me."
Up until now, I have never shown any signs of weakness in front of anyone or shed a tear. However, deep inside, I worried about how my husband would manage if something happened to me.
Unfortunately, this illness did not allow me to conceal my emotions for long.
After all, I am human. The day I had to shave off all my hair, I lost control and cried a lot.
On that day, everyone in the family cried, even the maid, except for my husband. He teased me, saying I looked like a monk, then he folded his hands and hugged me tightly.
In his arms, I felt the ultimate sense of security and comfort.
While consoling me, he started reciting a famous couplet of Ghalib.
रंज से ख़ूगर हुआ इंसाँ तो मिट जाता है रंज,
मुश्किलें मुझ पर पड़ीं इतनी कि आसाँ हो गईं ।
["When a person is accustomed to sorrow, then sorrow disappears,
So many difficulties fell upon me that everything became easy."]
Thank God I did not experience any major side effects of chemotherapy except once during chemo when I had a severe reaction and got rashes on my skin, especially on my face.
Gradually, transformative shifts in perspectives and circumstances began to unfold.
Sometimes, I couldn’t even recognize myself in the mirror; when I looked in the mirror, didn't see myself. I was so different that it took me about eight months to see where my eyebrows actually were.
I always saw a middle-aged bald woman without eyelashes and eyebrows staring back at me from the mirror. It was painful, and it was scary too, to see myself in a different outcome.
At times, I wished it was all just a bad dream that would end when I woke up. But the reality was harsh, and I had to come to terms with it.
Much of my time was spent shuttling in and out of hospitals, waiting in queues, and experiencing fatigue. I devoted considerable effort to studying breast cancer, particularly regarding the implications of stage three breast cancer. Interacting with fellow patients and their families during chemotherapy and radiation sessions provided invaluable insights gleaned from their collective experiences.
Now, my main concern was the surgery, which would take me 20/25 days to recover completely; how would my husband manage everything alone?
I'm thankful to my sister-in-law and her husband, who stayed with us for more than a month. If God didn’t bless us with kids, he certainly blessed us with a wonderful family.
The day before surgery, Dr. Ritesh Pruthi suggested an option that I should opt for reconstruction since mastectomy was unavoidable. I was nervous about the changes to my body. Moreover, none of the family members agreed to the option of reconstruction. It was not an easy decision: eventually, I gave up on the idea.
Sympathetically he patted my head and said, “We will get you through this.” That was what I needed physically and emotionally at that moment.
We discussed it and the only option left for me was a mastectomy.
The surgery went smoothly, I only stayed in the hospital for three days. Everyone there was friendly and accommodating, another positive experience amidst the turmoil of cancer.
After being discharged from the hospital, I was normal but a little weak. The doctors finally allowed me to take a bath. When I looked in the mirror, I was shocked by my appearance. I felt a heavy sigh in my chest like it would explode at any moment. I felt that I no longer looked like a woman with grace; in the future, I wouldn't be able to dress up like other women normally do.
Standing under the shower, naked and vulnerable, all on my own, I cried a lot. This was the second time I broke down, the first being when I had to shave my head.
It terrified me that the breast I loved, the one my husband adored, was gone leaving a huge scar in its place, an uglier scar than I expected. My deep sense of feminine identity vanished.
I felt like I was mutilated; it was kind of like, that's how did it happen to me.
At that time, it was not easy for me to digest emotionally and physically that a part of me was lost because I knew that I no longer had the body that I had before.
I avoided my reflection and for days, I refused to dress in front of my husband.
I was very positive and vibrant throughout the process, but the thought of losing my femininity was overwhelming to me and I think that was okay when battling with such a serious issue.
Slowly, I learned to accept myself and the scars on my body and maintained my sanity.
Although initially this surgery had a negative impact on my self-esteem, the way Dr. Pruthy and Dr. Lovedeep consoled me and made me stronger to face it, was incredible. Thanks to them for what they did for me.
The next step in the healing journey was radiation. I underwent 28 sessions of radiation. I had no serious side effects except for a few.
Radiation treatment seemed manageable at first until last week, when I started experiencing a burning sensation in the treated area. The pain was so intense that even the slightest touch of fabric caused me to cry. Despite applying a special lotion three times a day, the peeling of the skin was excruciating.
After undergoing radiation treatment, I noticed gradual changes in my skin colour tone, which dropped by 3 to 4 degrees. It felt as though someone had used a blowtorch on my neck and chest area. Additionally, my nails turned blue and became drier, and brittle during the treatment. I often painted them with my favourite colours to uplift my spirits and ofcourse to improve their appearance.
Dealing with cancer is not easy, as it brings about both physical and mental changes, as well as the reactions of others.
Whether I smiled or sat quietly, people's curiosity led them to ask questions. When I was quiet, many pitied me and wondered about my thoughts, assuming I was depressed or worried. On the other hand, when I smiled, some questioned my lack of worry about such a serious illness.
I did have moments of sulking and worry, but trust me they were very rare. Most of the time, I smiled, with music or dance in my mind.
I remained confident that I would recover and requested my doctors not to refer to me as a patient, as I never felt like one. Being the winter months, I wore caps, which sometimes led to confusion among staff about who the patient was, as I maintained a healthy appearance despite taste disturbances and bitterness in food.
It's ironic that while I had always worked to lose weight, during treatment, my focus was on maintaining it to ensure the proper fitting of the mask or mould especially for radiation sessions and the effectiveness of the treatment while keeping other health parameters in check.
In the end, everything went smoothly.
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After eight long months of fatigue, anxiety, and excruciating hard work, I was declared cancer-free on April 24.
That day, when Dr. Pankaj, my radiation doctor, gifted me a plant with best wishes, my eyes brimmed with joy and tears. I had awaited this day for the last several months. During treatment sessions, whenever I saw a plant in a patient's hand, I wondered if this day would ever come in my life too, when I would be declared cancer-free.
However, I am keenly aware that the next two years are crucial; it feels like I am sitting on a time bomb, and the clock is ticking. I don't know when it will explode in the form of a recurrence.
Well this is life; nobody knows what will happen in the future. So, why worry about something that hasn't happened yet? Instead, I choose to celebrate and smile today. I firmly believe that smiling helps me deal with my pain and circumstances. I kept smiling even on my most difficult days, just like I used to smile on my golden days because it gave me strength and reduced my pain.
You see, the power of positive thinking should never be underestimated, but negative thinking is always harmful and can lead to depression and anxiety. It's crucial to remember that one's thoughts and choices heavily influence their well-being.
I want to emphasize the significance of spirituality in my journey with cancer. Despite neglecting my spiritual journey for years, reintroducing it through chanting mantras was essential to my healing process. A childhood friend played a pivotal role in guiding me spiritually and supporting me through my illness. I am grateful to him for reintroducing me to my spiritual journey.
Gradually, he became my spiritual guru.
I have found that spirituality and prayer have substantial healing power. The medicine works, but only if you allow it to work.
When I am stressed, anxious, or in physical discomfort, I believe that a higher power is taking care of me. In my own life, I have found that spiritual practice is uplifting and has fostered joy.
Yes, prayers have the power to heal.
Next I want to emphasize the power of music and laughter during tough times. Listening to my favorite songs and instrumental tunes and watching comedy movies changed my mood and brought me much-needed laughter and joy.
When I feel sad and depressed, music takes me back to the places and people I love the most.
When I was told that I had cancer, it felt like my world was crumbling. It took a toll on my confidence, but deep down, I knew I could still be the bubbly girl who embraced each day with enthusiasm.
Yes, you are reading the right words;
'A bubbly girl'. Because my heart still feels like a bubbly girl in her teens, 'the girl' who helped me to come out of this turmoil.
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Finally at the end, I would like to express my gratitude to my medical oncologists, Dr Gautam Goyal and Dr Karnika; my surgeons, Dr Ritesh Pruthi and Dr Lovedeep; my radiation doctor, Dr Pankaj Kumar, and the entire team of the oncology department, especially my radiation team for their unwavering support throughout my battle with cancer.
Apart from my family and close friends, they were my support system throughout the entire process, their heartwarming words and companionship lightened my burden. As I look towards the future with hope and renewed strength, I count their love and support as a ray of light that will continue to guide me in the times to come.
Much to my delight after months of treatment, I regained my strength and continued to work full-time for my husband while nurturing my sense of self-worth.
Despite the challenges, my husband's love and support have been instrumental in maintaining my sanity and providing the care he needs.
I am resolute in my belief that my husband's love and support can heal my body and uplift my spirit.
I love this man so much and have accepted that this is part of a divine plan and always focus on staying positive. One thing I would definitely like to highlight, he took it much better than what I anticipated.
Although we face difficult days, we also cherish the good moments with open hearts and enthusiasm.
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It has been an emotional rollercoaster with lots of tears, anger, and bitterness. Despite everything, I still consider myself fortunate and firmly believe that;
"life is still beautiful."
This journey underlined the importance of self-acceptance as the first step towards achieving satisfaction.
Want to add one more thing: Now, at the end of every day, I carefully place my left breast(silicone) in a beautiful box after caressing it lovingly, and the next day, I gently kiss it again with a smile and prepare myself to face the world with confidence and with pride. Because it's an integral part of who I am; and what makes me complete.
I adore it and love it.❤
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