Pull the Plug

Here is what I think, we should not have to put up with people we do not like. 

It is simple enough, if a person you do not like approaches you, you just flip them off and walk away, without explanation. In my ideal world, walking away would be considered normal, even a sign of respect. You don't waste my time, I don't waste yours. If not a respect for each other, it would be a respect for time - which is already so scarce.

But alas, this is not my perfect world. Every day, I have to put up with people I couldn't care less about even if I want to. Their faces with that permanent blandness fill me with dread - is this all that it is going to be?

These simple-minded nonentities with their mindless chatter?

It is dreadful, it is oh, so dreadful!

Oh, I haven't introduced myself, have I? I am a simple person - a really, really simple one. I have nothing which distinguishes me from others. A most simple body and a most uncomplicated mind. You must be thinking, the narrator seems really bland, a simpleton.

Well, you are not wrong. I am a simpleton and I recognize that. I don't pretend to be a complex person or a human made out of stardust. I recognise life for what it is and I am far away from the illusions most people revel in. There are so many things people think are absolutely necessary to our existence and mind you, none of them have anything to do with basic needs like air or water. I can name a lot of these illusions but here is the one I hate the most - Love.

I hate the existence of this word, it shouldn't exist. It should really be in that endless abyss where we have thrown words like empathy. 

I can't even count how many times I have heard people complain, 

"I cannot live without his or her love." 

 "Oh, I always get burned by love again and again."

"My heart is broken and I cannot see my purpose in life anymore."

And then there is the category which I maybe hate more than the word itself, the hopeless romantics, who say things like, "I got my heart broken but I will find love again because it is the essence of life."

I will never understand why people give so much importance to love, it is nothing but a chemical reaction in our brains. It is basically your brain getting a short-circuit. Why would anyone want that? Love and then suffer endlessly? People compare love to oxygen, all the time. This is such a disrespect to oxygen, I hope these people choke and die of asphyxiation. 

You may think I am salty, it is okay. I am at least rational and not delusional. But if you think I am salty because I have been burned by love, then no, you are wrong. I am not. I never loved and never will. Love at most is a choice like suicide. You can always choose not to do it. 

However, today I am extra salty. I am a whole damn salt shaker. I am attending my sister's wedding today. The cream decoration, heart-shaped candles, people making googly eyes at the couple has me reeling. I am of course happy for my sister, she found the love of her life and all but I am really just annoyed at how the vows of love they are exchanging seem to make everyone sigh with delight. Don't they realise these vows are just words? These promises of together in poor and riches, sickness and health, all a lie?

I know the moment things will get rough, my sister will be the first one to run away. I just know. She has done that plenty of times with me. But I have always expected it because I was never blinded by the words of love. The groom, however, is going to get the shock of his life as soon as anything inconvenient happens.

"You are scowling." I heard a voice beside me. Couldn't really be talking to me.

"I am talking to you." Came the voice again. This time, I turned my face towards the voice.

"But I am not. Mind your business." I looked away. 

"Aren't you the bride's sister? Why aren't you a bridesmaid?" I raised my eyebrows and looked at the person again, really looking at him. Middle-aged male, kind eyes, nosy personality, confused face. He was a stranger and yet I knew him. I have seen his face in the newspaper.

"Since I do not think love is important in life, my sister decided to not include my cynicism in her bridal party," I answered simply, waiting for the kindness in his eyes to melt away but the kindness only increased.

"Oh, that must be harsh for you. To not be a part of your beloved sister's bridal party." 

I looked at the man again, wondering how easily he threw the word "beloved" in his sentence. Do I love my sister? No. Have I ever? Maybe, when she was a week old. I know I found her adorable like I do puppies but love her? I don't think I have ever. 

"I have no regrets. love is a sham anyway. You should know." I involuntarily crumbled the wedding program in my hands and I was now fully turned towards the man.

"Come on, dear child, it is not a sham. You should not be so bitter about love."

I crumbled the paper further, I could feel the heat rising in my stomach, constricting my breath, "Sir, please refrain from advising me on the matters you suck at."

Finally, some of the kindness melted away, giving way to shock and then some despair. Good, better than the illusionary emotions which he does not feel.

"You think just because I pulled the plug on my wife when she was sick I did not love her. That's it, isn't it?" Now, there was hurt in his eyes, great, just what I needed as my sister exchanged a sloppy kiss with her now-husband. I momentarily turned to stare at the couple. The reason I was not part of my sister's bridal party was because I told her to not get married, I don't think I even congratulated her. I told her it was a horrible idea and she will suffer under this illusion of love she is revelling in. No wonder she decided to place my seat next to this weird man.

"I have nothing to talk to you." I kept my eyes fixed as the couple walked down the aisle towards the exit. My sister gave me a quick glance, she looked at me expectantly and then disappointedly. I did not care. 

"You should. You think love is a waste of time. You think love brings unwarranted suffering and it is escapable. I can see it on your face. But love is not escapable. Love is within you and unless you recognise it you are going to keep suffering without ever knowing why." 

"You know what? I don't need love, I need you to get away from me." I told him but he didn't move and neither did I. People around us were vacating their seats but we remained seated. 

"You can say whatever you want but I know there is love within you because it is within everybody. It is just a matter of recognizing and realising it." I looked down, the wedding program was a mass of crumpled mess in my hands. I don't suppose it could be crumpled any further.

"You did a great job at that when you let your wife die," I commented dryly. I wondered why we were even having this conversation, as far as I remember I have never met this man, not even seen him during the rehearsal dinner.

"I did. Love makes you do things you cannot justify. Love makes you not want to see your beloved suffer. My wife was already half-dead, I only did what I did to lessen her suffering. I did not want to do it but I could not see her in pain. I regret switching off the ventilator every day. I wish I never listened to the doctor but I know it was the right thing to do because she never deserved the suffering that awaited her. She would have never survived the hemorrhage and even if she did, our children would have ended up resenting her for the lifelessness that we would see in her eyes. I don't suppose the newspapers ever thought like that." There were tears in his eyes, a drop fell on my knuckles too.

"You see what love made you do? Kill your own wife, your children's mother. Love is useless. Maybe you would have been more practical if you didn't let love cloud your judgement." I crumbled the paper I knew couldn't be crumbled anymore. I was just digging my nails in my palms at this point. 

"Love gave me strength to free her. Love made me less selfish. Love made me endure all these years without her. Love is the reason I am still going on, continuing her legacy of kindness." I looked at his eyes again and there it was - the kindness. It made something tug in my heart. It was probably what his wife's eyes looked like.

"Do you think I am selfish?" I am not sure why I asked him. He was the last person whose answer mattered. 

"No, you are not. Or maybe you are, I don't really know you, do I? We are strangers only bounded by love for someone we have lost, even if you don't like the word, I suppose."

"Yes, you are a stranger and you will always remain so," I said and stood up. I looked at him, expecting him to say something, he didn't.

I walked towards the backyard, where the cemetery was. I have only been here once, on the day of my mother's burial. The day my late father has asked the doctor to pull the plug on my mother dying of cancer before he succumbed too three days later of a heart attack.

I walked towards the grave, searching for my parents'. I didn't have to search too much, a bride was kneeling in front of one and there was only one bride that could be there. 

She looked at me and made space. I did not kneel, I looked at what the headstone said, "Remembered with and for Love."

I looked at my sister, she had followed my gaze. 

I looked down at her and then kneel beside her, "Congratulations, sis." I hugged her for the first time in years and then we both cried.

I saw the stranger man in the distance, kneeling in front of a grave and putting a single flower there. A plug pulled in my own heart. 

"Come, sister. The love of your life awaits you." I told my sister and led her to the reception area, with her arms linked with mine.