My Silver Lining

It was a treat to grow up in a joint family with grandparents, uncles, aunts, 6 cousin brothers and the matriarch, a great grandmother. Being the youngest and the first girl child born in my generation after 5 consecutive boys, I was the apple of everybody’s eye right from my birth. My father worked with a Jeweler group that had branches pan-India. We were typically middle class since generations and so had a simple life. Not something that bothered us much. We were traditionally farmers and content in our abode.

Despite being born in this family, my father was never really into farming. He believed that in a big family like ours, at least someone should step out of the traditional way of life and gain an insight on the world beyond our farms. His focus was to develop a non-agricultural dependent source of income. I think because of his limited interest in farming, he was able to sense that coming generations would definitely question before accepting it as their way of life, unlike the earlier generations. My father was always mindful of the future, a surprising trait for someone of our family, I now feel looking back. But his decision of refusing to harbor same dreams as that of his family did not go down well with his elders. However, despite resistance, my father was able to prove his point as there was a severe drought the very next year, which left the family with meager agricultural income. My father’s contribution from his part time stint at a video parlour then, had come to rescue. Then my grandfather encouraged him to study as much as he could afford to and to look for a job. This jeweler was my father’s first permanent job. They say South Indians are fascinated with gold. Though I vouch this neither for myself nor my fellow south Indians, gold was truly my father’s first love. He loved being around gold and so a job in that industry was definitely his calling. He said that if they trust me with their gold, they must really like me.

Things took a drastic turn when their trust in my father grew in leaps and bounds and they decided to move him to their Chandigarh office so that he could instill some of his acumen and skill sets to the staff there. While this was an opportunity for my father, it came as a shock to all of us. His sisters-in law even commented that now he will refuse to share his income with the rest of the family. But my father was firm that he was only spreading the family roots and not branching out of it. Besides this was not meant to be a permanent transfer anyway.

My great grandmother insisted that my mother and I stay back to which my father retorted saying “I don’t want to live all by myself, paati.” Whereas, I knew the reality was that he was trying to take me away from my cousin brother’s influence, on my academics.

We saw a sea change in our lives post the transfer. My father had to work way harder as most things were new for him. At times, he even wondered whether this was the same Company at all. That meant extra long hours and fewer weekly offs. My mother was always used to having family around her. Here the whole household rested on her shoulders.

And I easily stood out from the crowd. Well, not for the right reasons though. It was my dark skin that garnered most attention all the time, as I was growing up. While down south, I was just like any other girl, here I was a dark and ugly girl. They couldn’t get over the fact that girls can also be dark. So dark in fact. Besides, my features weren’t attractive either. And to add to my muddle, they said I spoke English like Madlish. Madrasi-English. That’s how they described my accented English. While my mother reiterated that this would all change eventually and people would befriend me for who I was as a person, I had given up all hopes when I realized that I was indeed a one off sight in the beautiful city. Dark and ugly. Needless to say, I never got any attention from the opposite sex either. Why would they bother to throw a second glance at me when there were girls of milky-creamy complexion everywhere?

That made me a loner. To make matters worse, my father’s transfer back to our hometown seemed to take forever. And those days changing jobs was a rare choice unlike today, especially in middle-class households. My father was definitely not going to risk his continuing source of income for going back to our hometown. Last thing a father of a girl would do. Eventually, we made peace with the fact that we may have to spend longer than what we had bargained for, at Chandigarh. Much longer, it turned out to be.

I was 17 and largely a loner and introvert. Of course, I had my parent’s support all the time. But their concern for their only child often overpowered their friendliness with me. That was when Rocky entered my life. To begin with, he was dark himself. However, unlike for girls, this was a sign of his virility. That alone made girls swoon over him. He changed me in ways I could never imagine. I realized that I missed being listened to the most. Lack of friends was in turn lack of listeners and that did hurt me. But with Rocky, it was different. He listened to everything I had to say. I felt like he was always there for me to pour my heart out. He made me jaunty. My childhood returned to me, albeit a little late. I loved how carefree and full of profusion he was. Trivialities never perturbed him and most of all, he seemed to be least bothered about how people perceived him. He had a notable impact on my confidence. I now mustered courage to do things I had nightmares about earlier. He gave me his undivided attention and I felt like how Anne Hathway felt in The Princess Diaries - He looked at me when I was invisible.

Thanks to him, I made some friends. Same people I lived around thus far. I was no more an ignored dark girl. I didn’t seem to repel people now. I was spoken to by those I felt were earlier oblivious to my existence. They were suddenly interested in me as he was besides me. They insisted I join them to parties or trips I was never invited to earlier. Of course, they insisted that I get him along and Rocky always obliged. He was game for anything if that meant spending more time with me. Besides I knew that he secretly loved the attention that was showered on him. After all, who likes to be confined to a corner?

He was a must have in the cricket team. His nick name was “Jonty Rhodes”, because he was the best fielder in the group. I couldn’t stop blushing when they would laud him for his speed and dexterity and fight to have him in their team. My parents also loved him because finally they saw their daughter less sulking and more smiling. This was enough reason for them to welcome him with open arms. Rocky became a part of me seamlessly. We enjoyed each other’s company thoroughly. Now it was my turn to ignore those around me when I was with him. I could feel sharp glares behind my back when I would walk with him, without a care about anything else. I could also sense that now I was looking less at the road beneath and more at the way ahead. Both literally and figuratively, I loved the newly found me.

I decided to learn Psychology after Boards. I was always intrigued about people and their problems. And to confess, I did not score enough to secure admission to any decent science college and commerce was just not my cup of tea. I would fall asleep even looking at my father with his books of accounts. In Psychology, everyone around me was into books. The focus was not on frivolities. It was on subtle things that meant reading between the lines. Understanding how human mind was framed and how it functioned. Learning to get the remote control to the most complex thing on Earth – Human Mind.

I also developed interest in understanding what I faced growing up. I realized why people had a complex, why they looked for validation and what made them say or do rude things to others. I learnt that my classmates or neighbors were in fact unhappy about themselves. They were mocking me so that no one would notice their shortcomings. They made me look bad so that they get an upgrade. Their hatred for me was nothing but their inferiority complex getting the best of them. This is commonly known as bullying and it is unfortunately entrenched in our society. The worst hit are people with low self-esteem. Some do it and the rest follow suit thinking that it will make them part of the crowd. Herd mentality, in other words. This remains a large case of depression. Man, despite being a social animal, becomes unsocial to a selected few. In the process, they crush them and push them to an all time low.

People were my subjects. I was trained to read them, look beyond their dominant behavior, empathize with them and lend them a shoulder through counselling. In other words, be what Rocky was to me. That is when I felt really grateful to have him at least. He played a crucial role in my life in the formative years. Had it not been for him, I am sure I would have been in some corner, till date. And when I was finally able to cry on my own shoulder, pat my own back and smile even if I didn’t get one back, I lost Rocky. I was dejected. He was my first love, my first truest friend and companion. He taught me many things; most important being to love myself. I felt that something within me was dead. The confidence that he had imposed in me was shaken deeply. I was a strong girl but having him by my side was my biggest strength. However, I had promised myself that I will not fall apart. After all, he deserved that as a mark of respect. A strong and stable me. And I will be obliged to him for that. Forever.

I didn’t think I would ever fall in love again. I know that everyone says that after a heartbreak but the difference is that I’m not heartbroken. I’m not cynical, or pessimistic, or sad. I’m just someone who once felt something bigger than anything else I’d ever felt and when I lost it, I honestly believed I would never have that again. But I was 22 then and life is long. And I’m feeling things right now that I haven’t in a long, long time. I was so intrigued by Psychology that I went on to earn a doctorate in it. Even after 8 years of having lost Rocky, I am often reminded of him. I have come a long way since. From an unnoticed girl to a sought-after Psychologist. My experiences made be a better counselor and today, that makes me unique. I stand out of the crowd even today and for good reasons. I get admiring glances as against nasty looks. My confidence speaks for me and most importantly, radiates. Most of my patients or clients appreciate me for being able to relate to their emotions and for permeating hope and confidence in them. They say I make them look at the brighter side of life. Some have even credited me to have pulled them out of suicidal tendencies and shown them the silver lining in the dark cloud.

My father got a transfer 3 years ago and he and my mother moved back to our home town. I decided to stay back, after all my burgeoning practice was my priority and my parents were as supportive as ever. I admit I do feel a void sometimes. I have dived deeply into my profession and practice to the best of my conviction and will continue my thirst for excellence. My parents do insist I settle down. They obviously want to see their only child married off. Search is on for the 'Mr Right' and I am at my optimistic best about it.

But in the past couple of years, I am more often than not reminded of Rocky. I feel the urge to be around him once more. With that in mind, on a Sunday morning, after an early breakfast, I drove 7 kilometers from my home. Rocky’s face is clear in my mind, as I expectantly stand in front of Wagging Tails – No ‘pet’ peeve. To welcome another Rocky into my life!