My Punching Bag

I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the door one Monday morning to find my friend Preethi, a workaholic take leave and stepping into my home. “I am glad you came. You badly needed a break from your office.” I said. She replied she had lots to share with me and opened up. “Yesterday, while waiting for you before leaving for the movie I was restless. You were taking such a long time attending to your mother so meticulously, petting and pampering her when she refused to eat. Though your maid offered to take care, you did the needful and then joined me. On the way, you narrated the saga of her struggle and how you are striving to provide a peaceful old age to her. When I tried to explain to you that at her age these health problems are common you were not convinced. I had a sleepless night. The pangs you felt for your mother and yesterday’s movie focussing on how old parents must be taken care of drove home a strong lesson to me.

“At times, when we put ourselves into others’ shoes we learn or unlearn. I tried analysing my behaviour with my mother. Basically, she is a very docile and quiet lady. An epitome of forbearance. An awe-inspiring fact is that she prefers to remain calm even when confronted with the temper of others. Retaliation is never her cup of tea. I sometimes wonder whether the Maker has made any more such pieces as this! My walk down memory lane made me realise many people have taken undue advantage of this vulnerability of hers and remorsefully I am no exception. I love my mother beyond measure. I do take care of her, but after watching you yesterday I feel I am not doing enough for her. At times when I get frustrated or worked up, I throw my entire emotional outburst on her. I pick her up for some reason or the other and vent out my disappointments on her. She, the good soul bears all my nonsense with a calm demeanour. Later I realise that love is not a reason to tolerate disrespect and this leaves me guilty and shameful. I pledged to myself this morning that I am not going to use her as my punching bag anymore. I honestly feel sorry for all that I have done to her all these years.” I patted Preethi on her back and comforted her, “It is good realisation and remorse dawned upon you. Repentance often breaks guilt and leads to a good understanding. Once upon a time we were their children but life is a full circle, now we need to parent our parents. Let us give back all that we received as kids because old age is second childhood.” She appeared relieved and pleased before leaving for home.

I have observed that most of us have a punching bag upon whom we can fling all our frustrations, anger and disappointments. In most cases, it is a mother because we very well know she will understand and bear with us anyhow. Perhaps a mother is one person who believes that few things can’t be explained or expressed, they should be automatically taken care of and we tend to take this belief of hers for granted. We may also find our punching bags in the form of a sister, a brother, a husband, a wife or even a friend. We pour out all our emotions on such intimate individuals and we get lighter. The ones whom we use as our punching bags are either people who love us immeasurably or persons whom we love unlimited. It may also be a person who understands us unconditionally. It is a ground reality that the ones who love us will never want to leave us. Even if there are a hundred reasons to give up, they will find one reason to hold on. We take such good souls for granted. We forget that they too are human beings packed with feelings. Just because they tolerate our absurdity not only do we dust off our emotional baggage on them but also repeat the exercise again and again. After damaging their sentiments we may apologise later. By then it is like slapping a person across the face and saying sorry. In professional places, too punching bags may be prevalent in the form of juniors. When we are confident that those below our cadre are helpless, they will not leave the organisation, they cannot retaliate we safely use them as our punching bags.

Those of us who practise this need to put a few questions to ourselves -----

*Are we doing the right thing?

*What do we gain?

*Aren’t we creating mental torture for them?

*They too must be getting angry, where and how will they pass it on?

*What impact will our outpourings have on them?

*By doing so will our relationships with our punching bags continue to be the same?

Most important is there a need to get frustrated or upset when things don’t go right? We often expect situations and people to turn out the way we want. When this fails we exhibit our anger. We cannot make little adjustments therefore, we create unpleasant situations. What’s all the more ridiculous and sometimes even humorous is that we slam doors, break crockery and other things, shout and scream on the top of our voices thus creating immense noise pollution and we think we feel better. We fail to understand that those little non-living things, our own possessions are in no way connected with our frustration. We are causing a loss to our own property; we may have to buy them again. Moreover, we are doing greater harm to our own health by our emotional imbalances. As a result, we hurt ourselves and cause pain to our punching bags too.

Isn’t it absolutely incorrect to take vulnerable people for granted? Where has our empathy gone? Can we tolerate if someone else puts up such behaviour with us? It is natural to get upset when circumstances go haywire or when people annoy us but, losing our temper will only make matters worse and can never provide a solution to our problems. If we can keep calm for some time, hold our tongue, analyse the situation and act accordingly then we will neither hurt others nor ourselves. In case the blunder lies largely on the other person we can also choose to calmly correct the person, make him realise his fault and give him space to improve. This way we will be contributing to their growth rather than frightening them with our fierce behaviour.

Let us change for the better. The punching bags which we have been using so far to punch our feelings, let us start sharing our joys and sorrows with them. Instead of being slaves of our desires and emotions, let us become rulers of our minds and hearts. Nothing is nicer than having someone who appreciates us in the smallest things, accepts us in times of hardships, and comforts us when are in trouble, loves us no matter what and is simply happy for having us in his or her life.