My Liberation Notes : -

Today, I feel tired again. Last week, I thought I was finally out of the loop, that I have broken free of the cycle. But today, I am back to square one. My chest keeps tightening, tears keep falling and it feels like I can't do it anymore. It feels like I have done enough for a lifetime. Every moment that I'm awake feels like work.

I don't know where it all started to go wrong. I don't even know if this could be termed wrong. I don't know when I changed into the person I am today - fragile, weak, and on the verge of breakdown every second. I don't know when I stopped trying to fight back or when I lost the strength to do so. I don't know when I started feeling scared or small for telling people things that can't be done, of accepting I am not perfect and I could never be. I don't know when I started feeling guilty for who I am today, or feeling sorry for my mother for having a daughter like me - sensitive, emotional and complicated. I no longer see things as simple. I make it all too complex to sort out. I can't bring myself to quit or break free of the definitions that hold me. I am trapped in a cage between my expectations and others. There are pieces of me at war with each other, each trying to win over the other. 

I try to tell myself otherwise. I calm myself down like a kid, telling myself it's all going to be okay. I find dark corners in my house where I could cry my heart out. I try soothing my soul with things I once loved and enjoyed. I whine, complain, tell people I am done and feel ashamed again. Eventually, I pull myself out for a few days and go back to that same gloom-filled room again. And I repeat. I repeat these things in hope of holding on. And I hold on, today. I live.