Lockdown Fears

Nothing is permanent, neither happiness not sadness. It took an entire lockdown to convince me that age old truth that Buddha expounded years back. I was just crawling through the bed sheets. Trying to reach my phone. It's already 1:30 in the noon. I was so lazy couldn't even have the capacity to get up and work towards the wash room. Mother was yelling from the kitchen to get up and have breakfast. Well, that was my breakfast time. My sleeping cycle was so messed up it would be appropriate to say that I was practicing hibernation. Slowly dragging myself from the bed, I sat on the top of the toilet and searched through my phone. Nothing different. A lot of girls posting about social issues just to convince that "hey I maybe cute but not dumb' and some guy discussing how horrible government schemes we have as if they know what's best for the nation. I paused for a second. What am I even doing? Atleast they're discussing worldly issues. I'm just watching Netflix and having good food and gaining weight. I just got a brilliant idea. I'll start a YouTube channel. Yes, I thought it was a breakthrough. Quickly finishing my daily routines I went back to my bed opened my laptop. I called upon my crazy cousin. Even she was excited. What should we be doing videos on. I'm very much spiritual. Oh maybe on that. Yes. Indeed. 

I made up YouTube channel. Made a video on God. Yes, I was so dumb I made a video that explains the unexplainable. Silly me. Right?

I can't even make a video with my face on it! What's stopping me? Yes, I'm shy to show my faces or Am I ashamed to tell others about my spiritual beliefs or Am I shy because I'm gay. Anyways it doesn't matter. I live a life of secrecy. No one knows about my orientation except myself and yeah... only myself. After a lot of editing I went asleep. I was drooling. 

I was in the same room. My parents and my little brother were in the other room. They were discussing something and murmuring over there. I was in my bedroom. Guess who's with me? Rohith, the hot and cute guy from college. He's an amazing dancer. Well, what is he doing in my bedroom? Ah, its a dream but I can't realize it. Rohith talked to me and my heart started pounding. I went to the next room and as I was about to sit on the sofa he came behind me and kept his face behind my ears. I think I felt like I was in intense emotional pleasure. Despite having had physical relationships with some men, I've never felt something like ever before. Maybe this is what people call as its special when you have a physical contact with someone special in your heart. I could feel his breath despite the fact that it was a dream. But that dream didn't last any longer. I woke up to intense emotional trauma. I felt like emotional drainage. The fact that I've never experienced true love in my life has shattered me. I'm very and also very much in closet. So its already obvious that in the future my chances if finding true love is close to zero. Why are we inclined to a specific person. This lockdown made me realize suddenly what was missing in my life. It wasn't true love it wasn't purpose. It was just the fact that I'm confused, I'm literally consfused about the meaning of my life. I think that we create a purpose in our life by ourselves. Maybe I've to create my own meaning. Maybe even of I achieve true love what's gonna be after that? I don't have any great desire than that. Years of oppression, that's what I had to face. It made me realize all the traumatic things I went through all these Years which I overcame. I was 12 when someone has touched me sexually. From that day onwards I was their slave. The slave mentality conquered me. "Why does he walk like girls ?" That's the usual comment I get from all the students in the class. Sometimes some guys called me sexy and they wanted to consume me as q women. I wasn't of the age to understand that but yet I understood its essence. Why did my relatives shame me when I wanted to play with dolls and not cars. I always wanted to try saares and churidars. I considered myself always like a beauty queen as I never went out without my regular makeup. They tried to grab my genitals. When they couldn't reach it, they shamed me and I had nothing over there. Why did I always fell in love with the handsome heroes in the Bollywood movies and felt like the heroines that they caressed in their strong arms. When other guys used to admire a fit model's body and wanted his body and I always desired to be in touch with that sculpted abs. Well, all these made me different. I had to accept who I'm not I haven't shared that with anyone. During this lockdown the entire world became still and here we are, me trying to figure out a meaning for my own life. Its ludicrous, my meaning of life is to live this life to the fullest. I survived all these years of oppression and surely I can fight in these coming days as well. I will triumph. History has always told the tales of brave people who fought brave battles. My life is going to be that brave battle. I'm not going to become an unnoticed cattle in someone's household. These tears of oppression are a standing witness to my bravery. My tears wash away my fears, my insecurities. This lockdown is not the end. We shall survive. I know even my Youtube channel as well. It might look like a crap. But still I've the determination to have a great vision for my channel. These tears are not tears of sorrow but of hope of light which will triumph beyond the darkness of this virus. The real virus is not Corona but the fear that dwells in our hearts.