Living Incredibly & Forever Evolving

...."Sanjuuuuu.... come out quickly.....see the snow flakes...snowfall has started...".. Sonia was ecstatic about seeing snowfall and that too live and first hand experience. the girl inside her was never gone and she was girlish as any teenager would be.. the facts of life never seemed to have affected her childhood within..the fact that son has grown up and 24 now and started job too.

Hello readers, I am Sanjay, husband of Mrs Sonia who left for heavenly abode on January 2nd, 2024 due to lung fibrosis. 

Yes, its sad and I am totally alone with CAN NEVER FILL UP VACCUM tagline rest of my life.

Life was going good, rather it was like we always remained on cloud 9 with feet on ground and she being Interior Designer and me handling the projects and leading our firm and she being my FIGHTER QUEEN of my heart, home, played "N" number of roles at home and at office and sites.

And then during one of those snowfall days during her birthday week and while she was playing in snowfall making snowman and making snow balls and throwing on me and other children who were there in Shimla during our stay in Hotel Peterhoff, during bed time, she asked me to feel "some unusual lump" in her right breast... "it was never there earlier Sanju"... she seemed little worried.. "OK worry not... enjoy and feel the weather.. stay romantic" and while chitchatting we slept after sometime. 

Of course, back of the mind, processor started working and I was trying to peep into future with X ray eyes trying to probe deep what could it be. Anyways, after 4 days of holidaying, we came back home and next very day , we got her mammogram and ultrasound done in Chandigarh and report was to be submitted by senior Pathlab Doctor.

"Sir, how long she had been feeling this lump" was his so called protocol question. "only 4 days back she felt this lump abd she made me feel it too and here we are"... my heart was pounding reading his face expression that something is NOT right here.

"Sir, sorry to say but you need to rush to your family doctor and then please get biopsy done and preferably at PGI as it has latest infrastructure as this is 99.5% CANCEROUS & that too MALIGN CANCER which spreads very fast"...

There was a bomb explosion inside me we both stepped out of the lab, sat in our car and I CRIED MY HEART OUT and at TOP OF MY PITCH literally... my mind was processing thoughts at supersonic speed... how could it be ? Is it really happening? this Pathlab can be wrong too... and we drove back home...

Suddenly, in a matter of 3/4 days, our perspectives of life changed.... now it was all about her treatment, tests, visits to hospital etc etc.

" Will our lives be NORMAL in the future ever ...???" such thoughts used to run in our minds every now and then.. But its L.I.F.E. and somewhere deep inside, with pain we get stronger and stronger and more stronger.

the treatment was initiated.... with chemotherapy sessions after every 3 weeks... and life was not normal as, in last 20 years, we never had medicine as our life style was quite normal with periodic dine outs as we both were fond of cooking, alternate weekends we used to go out to enjoy Shopping Malls and do some shopping for her ( I always felt good when she used to buy for herself as well she always invited on buying me things) and now it was all medicines, medicines and medicines. Believe me, Cancer is NOT dangerous but its TREATMENT is. Chemotherapy side effects started cropping up and after 2 sessions, she lost her hair while combing during evening hours .. it was like there were no roots in her hair and she combed and combed and all her hair were bundled in her hand... WE BOTH CRIED AND CRIED A LOT... it helps in many ways...

It was my turn to show her the bigger picture and keep her positive and I just consoled her, hugged her and shared that I love her inside out and together we must take control of this disease and lets try to be positive and stay positive. 

Time was passing by, rather, time was passing by just like tortoise passes by... 

Even after 05 months, there was no sign of reduction of disease, rather, it was progressing though very little... yet... these White Coat Butchers take it as Disease Progression. These White Coat Butchers are literally messengers these days..... they just don't leave their AC rooms and they expect Pharma companies to update them of the latest R&D being done and the latest medicines, it's feedback, its proven experiments etc etc nothing more than this (I have experienced this) 

and after 19 sessions of chemotherapy and health wise almost half her weight, life was becoming difficult... NO not due to pain and all but considering .....something was depleting deep inside....

we decided to switch to our doctor and other hospital... and after through search and research, we switched and treatment was initiated but the damage was done and we were told by doctor that cancer has touched lungs too and lungs have become stiff and that is called Lungs Fibrosis in medical terms. 

now, her symptoms were visible quite clearly.... "Sanju.... please walk slowly with me..... I am feeling breathless.."... after walking for 100 metres she used to feel tired..... her breathing issues had started.... I was feeling broken inside but outside..... I was not supposed to ... "Auto dahlingssss.... let's walk romantically now onward...." and since then I forgot to walk fast....overall....our life was getting slower.... but there was this zeal within me..... I wanted her to see the world before calling it off..... so I decided something..... and then...

O Dahlingsss.... let's go to Patanjli Haridwar and let's consult if they have medicines for cancer and lungs .... deep inside..... I was of the view that... "We all go to Haridwar in earthen pot OR potali of red colour and I thought to show her the Holy Ganga and I took her to Haridwar, got her checked up in Patanjli whereas deep inside I knew they don't have anything to offer..... from there we went to haridwar city where we had prior booking in Ashram and we stayed for 4 days and we used to go to ghat to sit and enjoy and have a feel of GANGA and in evening hours to be part of Aarti.... and she enjoyed, rather I enjoyed her company....every moment....

I was falling in love with her all over again, just like she fell in love before our marriage.... "Sanju... you are so caring... I know... you are worried about me and you worry continuously"... and I cried sitting by ganga ghat.... "No Dahlingssss.... it's NOT worry it's all worry about treatment way-out and quality of life.."

Doctors had already declared that her life is maximum for 3 or 4 years.... and we were trying to prove all wrong.... but....

slowly but steadily we put illness into our stride and we kept living .....her care was my ultimate life goal.... I was like her shadow.... all the time any time.... I was there for her ...."Sanju... I want to eat Masala Dosa..... Sanju I want to have Chinese Chowmein.... Sanju.... where are you..... Sanju listen to me..... Sanju.... I want to have Cheese Tomatoes..." and I was enjoying all her attention and she was enjoying mine.... this is love...etrnal one.... we were running out of options....

she started feeling as if she is confined to home..... life was getting slower....her walk too..... her food taking capacity..... everything was getting slower.... she would not demand now.... I used to crib.....used to cry.....alone.... in kitchen....in bathroom.... I knew where it was heading to....

And one day....around 2 months back.... I had to arrange and put up oxygen concentrator....so that she can get help breathing..... pure oxygen gave her new found energy..... and she was again.... chirpy....but cringed to bed.....coz of oxygen pipe.... the more she loved it the more her movements got restricted.... she was getting cutie.... cutie like my barbie doll....she started behaving like that....

its natural.... its nature.... when we observe a new born baby... they craves for attention.... hand movements are like they are ready for boxing session...their legs... shake like MJ...she was behaving like that new born kid.....she was suffering from respiratory issues yet she was at her best in behaviour.... 

and on December 23rd, her respiratory issue got so complicated that I had to taker to hospital and she was admitted in ICU and put on ventilator... as usual white coat butchers ...patient is just another product for them... no emotions...no feelings..... as if their Karma will not effect their own families...... as a normal person... anyone would miss her family.... so she did.... once I got her vibes during ICU meeting hours... I did all that I could and I managed to get to sit in ICU and be with her almost all the time... I cried in front of her...and made her feel that I am there for her every moment..... I cuddled her in ICU..... I have her all the affection....made her feel..... I am there.... and promised her that I will create such ICU at home and that she will be home in 2 days....

Once again, as her man and the man who loved her heart and soul.... I managed to get ICU raised at home and she was brought home.... now we both knew destiny.... but she was calm.....at peace.... she was smiling..... she was laughing with me..... her elder sisters were with her..... she pranked with me.... she did all ..... what we used to do when were home and in a mood.... but she was very positive.... "Sanju.... I love you and I want to live with you.....thanks for whatever you did...... please let me sleep in peace.....she just .....put me in tears..... now....and forever.....with her good memories...... even while writing ..... I cried 1000 times.....

life is like that..... Destiny ...from time to time...keeps on indicating that live your life.....each day.....as if there is NO TOMORROW...... I LOVED AND WILL KEEP ON LOVING MY WIFE MY LIFE FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER.......