Life Beyond Dimensions Of Time

“Don’t remain stuck in your past and present, look beyond them in your life. The answer depends upon how you would perceive your life now.” replied the psychiatrist when I asked him if I was normal.

I didn’t understand much but I thanked him and left the clinic. On the way to my home, I was pondering over what he meant but still it was difficult to execute it. How could I leave my past and present behind?

I reached home; opened the door, switched on the fan and light and jumped on the bed. I picked the pillow, hugged it as tight as I could and then slowly released, my eyes caught the fan moving and as if it was the wheel of time, it took me to my past which was chasing me.

It was the summer of 2010, I was about 8 at that time when it happened which changed the path of my life. I went to my grandmother’s house for a month long vacation. I was joined by my elder cousin, Tript, 13 years of age. I was looking forward towards the month because for the first time I was going to be staying there without my mother and aunts. I still remember that day, my uncle left for his job as usual and my grandparents went to the hospital, leaving both of us alone. He was supposed to look after me which did. After about an hour they left, he looked at me, but not the way he was supposed to.

I was kid at that time. I didn’t realized what happened to me until I was a teenager. It happened many times after that incident. I didn’t tell anyone because at that time I didn’t know it was wrong and when I knew, it was way too late. He threatened me that he would kill me if told anyone. I lived my whole childhood, teenage and obviously will live my whole life paying for sin though I was the victim.

It all stopped by him during the summer of 2015 when he turned 18 and left the country for further studies but the society didn’t stopped.

He used to make me dress as a female, dance and of course, being touched by him. It made me someway walk or talk a bit feminine. So I was bullied for being so. My life became hell. I was not sure who I was, what I was born as and believe myself was, a male or what others called me, a female. I lost myself into books to escape from this world.

The past was altering my present which was making me not able to see what was beyond. I entered college with the same burden. One day, during a party, I felt dizzy and the next thing I remember was that I was lying in the room of a hotel, nude. I picked my clothes and ran until I exhausted. I reached home, took a shower to clean my physical body. The water was salty that day. I didn’t leave my room for days and ate or drank anything.

When my body refused to take any further pains, death seemed an easy way. But that too was not too easy. Just because of the people who ruined my life, I couldn’t ruin the life of the people who love me.

Therefore, I went to a psychiatrist.

The knocking door took me out of my lost world. I opened the door and it was Aunt Mishthi, Tript’s mother. I wished her, she hugged me and handed me an envelope and left after having a pleasant talk.

I opened the envelope after she left as she instructed me. The envelope contained a card which read—

‘Tript weds Ranjana’

The feeling was unexplainable. My mum called me that night and asked if I was coming home for the engagement. I turn down by excusing my studies. I held the phone and looked myself in the mirror.

I saw a thin, shabbily dressed, occasionally wanted boy’s image, with eyes filled with the water of disappointment to life. It was me. I swept my tears and again lost in the world of books.

One day while, I was waiting for my turn at the hospital, I saw a lady sitting next to me, crying and murmuring ‘water.’ I took my water bottle and handed over to her. She accepted it gently and then blessed me. She was then joined by a man with a baby. The baby was crying, so, she fed him. After some time, she was screaming too much pain. The doctors came and took her to the emergency. I asked the man who was his husband if she was okay. His answer stroked me. He said, “She is suffering from fourth stage cancer which developed in her womb because the doctors forgot the needle inside her body while operating her during the delivery of the child. It led to infection and later cancer.”

She was also suffering for the sin of others, like me but the only difference was that they took my soul but not my life. But they took her life, not her soul. When she came out, I asked her if she was feeling well to which she replied that she knew she would die but she has to come to the same place which led to that situation because she still had hopes to survive for her son and make doctors realize their mistake every time they saw her, so that, what happened to her, do not happen to anyone else.

The woman left but words were echoing in my head. I spent some time alone with my books and my plants to prepare myself for the day.

His wedding rituals started. We met maybe after 5-7 years but he still didn’t look directly into my eyes, nor did I. After the marriage, we were enjoying dinner, when everyone was speaking a few words for the couple. When my turn came, I stood up and said—

“Thank you, Tript for making every summer holiday of mine memorable………. Remember we used to play games and used to look after me when we were alone. And dear sister-in-law, I wish you a whole lot of patience and strength to bear this beast for your entire life, who………….. killed my innocent childhood.”

I broke down and tore my heart out in front of everyone. They were quite. Before they would react, I left and locked myself in the room. The next morning, before anyone woke up, I left the place with all my burden and past left behind.

Now, I see myself beyond the dimensions of time.