I Am Not Going To Cry

"I'm not going to cry."

.

Words I wake up every morning to, words I go to sleep by, words I fail to stand up to every single day.

.

"I'm not going to cry."

.

And it isn't even about one thing, or one person or one feeling. Every night just before I close my eyes, my mind goes into overdrive and thinks about everything that I had said or done, and all I feel is worthless, like a piece of chewed-up gum.

I try to tell someone that they hurt me, I hate confrontation and yet making myself uncomfortable I go ahead and force the worst out; they pretend to not even know what I am talking about, or hoe, or why, and then I began to doubt myself, worthless, I think as I try to close my eyes.

The ghosts, they are here again haunting my thoughts, whispering into my ear, telling me it's not really their fault that I am so easy to forget, and they have every right to overlook something that is just so easily available, so easy to get. Worthless, they all not in agreement.

And it's hard to make myself understand, especially on the nights like these, so I force my eyes to close as I feel them almost well up and put one line in my brain making sure it is all that I let myself hear, on repeat.

And on some nights it helps, my mind telling me it is okay now, blocking out all those whispers those sounds,

As I lie awake without having to try,

It tells me, that on some nights, like tonight,

"It's okay to breakdown and cry."

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