Hope is a prison

I never really felt like my life had much purpose until you. I never used to believe in God and I always had a negative way about life. The day you asked me to be your care taker I will never forget. I was shocked you asked me of all people. When I asked you why you told me it was because I was always laughing. When you laugh you smile, when you smile you are happy. I didn’t know it then but doing this one thing for you changed my life forever. I wouldn’t have it any other way either. Your faith in God was something to admire. You were dying of cancer and believed that God would make it all ok. You never doubted him either. Even when all the odds were against you, you still had faith. I would think to myself how could you possibly be so strong. One day you told me that God had sent me to you to take care of you. I suddenly felt like there was a bigger reason to my existence than chasing girls. We would talk for hours about everything and anything. Always leading to religion. I always wondered if you were scared of what was to come. All I could think is how scared I was for you. I never asked you out loud always keeping my thoughts to myself. You knew me better than I even knew myself. You told me you knew God was with you and that you would be with him when you died. That you weren’t scared because you knew that you would be with God. I couldn’t understand why God would put you through all of this pain if he was really there. That is when you told me that God doesn’t not do things like cancer, that the Devil is responsible for that. The Devil creates negative energy and doubt so you question God. If there is something as evil as the Devil, there has to be something as great as God. We would pray together asking God to heal you every day. God could not heal you though. The only thing he could do was end your pain. A lot of people ask me how I can still have faith in God even though he took you away. That’s when I have to remind them of your words. It doesn’t mean that I am not mad though. I am pissed off at the world for losing you. I feel like I could have done something different and given you more time. Sadly, even if I was able to give you more minutes, weeks, or months the result would have been the same. No matter what I did I couldn’t save you. You can’t fight cancer. You can’t blame people for it either. All you can do is hate it with all that you have. Because of what it does to the person you love, what it does to the people who love them. It changes everyone forever.