Get Me Out Of My Blues

"Listen to me, Scorpius. Think about Albus. You’re giving up your kingdom for Albus, right? One person. All it takes is one person…”

Maybe that was the start of it all... Severus’ statement pushed him to the point of abandoning his title for returning into a world that was better for everyone; a world that had Albus. His sacrifice for a loved one.

It was also the start of an unending spiral that Scorpius unintentionally descended himself into. Not yet the start of him questioning himself, but the foundation of it all.

Scorpius was in love. Or was he just obsessed with the idea of it all?

He had always liked Rose. It was a classic example of ‘love-at-first-sight,’ where the girl is feisty and the boy cannot help but be attracted by the charm of the first rejection. 

But when did he fell in love with his own best friend…? Was it allowed to fall for him…Albus Potter, of all people? A guy, at that. The society would have his head (that was always supposedly wrapped around these two people).

The situation was messed up – Scorpius could not understand where he went wrong. Which the wrong turn on his road of life had him paused with two blue crossroads.

Where’s the yellow brick road?

 He liked Rose, he wanted to date her. Yes. But why was it painful to see Albus Potter kiss, Alice Longbottom, in the middle of the hallways, escaping Filch, giggling, or hiding in empty broomstick closets. Was he becoming a possessive friend--? Was he jealous of the attention that Albus showered on Alice? Or was he just saddened by the fact that his friend did not give him time anymore?

What was it?

Was it the idea of standing on the edge of a losing friendship threatened by the winds of teenage love that seemed to be pushing one of them down? Or was it the fact that he treasured being cuddled to sleep by Albus when the nightmares of his mother’s death became too much? Maybe it was the feeling that overwhelmed him when he woke up in the ravenette’s lean, slightly muscular, arms to find him snoring softly on his ear. His heart did not flutter…but attained a sense of peace.

What was it?

Was it acceptable to the fact that he caught ‘the’ Rose Granger-Weasley sneaking glances at him during Slughorn’s potions class--? Was it the blush that rose to his cheeks when she confessed smelling Green Apples in Amortentia? Maybe it had something to do with when she kissed him after winning the Ravenclaw vs Gryffindor Quidditch match. He felt exhilarated, but upon witnessing Albus’s frown, the rush subsided.

What was it?

He felt jittery when he was with Rose. He felt devastatingly at ease with Albus.

Though, he did not feel like himself with either of them. Both of them were blue roads. 

Rose was a challenge. She gave him a rush of feelings, kept him on his toes and his wand in a twist. She made him want to do more, achieve more, and make himself proud enough to be worthy of her. With Rose, Scorpius wanted to be ideal; the best version of himself. It was beautiful.

With Albus came acceptance. He felt comfortable around him; he was too much at ease. He knew he’d do anything and get away with it. But the fact that Albus too felt the same way and talked about all his crushes or the letters he received on Valentine’s Day or just platonically cuddled his best friend was ruining Scorpius beyond imagination. Maintaining a façade was easy around oblivious Albus, so devastatingly easy… that it was sad.

This was sad. This predicament he was in. He wanted to be out of these blues.

This dilly-dallying in the gardens, the lies that the flower petals spewed, the promises of them both being in love with him. Either the petals were liars or maybe they did love him, just the way he loved them. Only, it was platonic on their side…?

It was ruining his sleep. It was ruining his schedule. It was ruining his reputation. It was ruining his everything. He hated it.

So, one autumn morning, he sat on top of the astronomy tower and asked himself – “Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, why do you love them? Where does it root from?”

The moment he spoke it out loud, in the silence, his thoughts hit home hard. It was simple.

He liked Rose because she was a challenge, he wanted to be accepted by her and so his Slytherin kicked in; The ambition in him, to achieve the first feisty girl he laid his eyes on, the feeling of wanting to be accepted wholeheartedly by the first people he met of his age. It was not loving, it was the obsession with the idea of being in love with someone as perfect as Rose Granger Weasley.

It was within sight now, the faint yellow road that went straight between the blue crossroads. 

He liked Albus because he was there, always there with him, through thick and thin. Just as he helped Albus accept himself as being a potential black sheep of the Potter family and being alright with it, Albus helped Scorpius through his mother’s death. When he was the loneliest, Albus helped him through it. So when it came to turning back time, Scorpius did it for Albus. Having one person is enough. Because somewhere underneath, he always knew Albus would do the same for him. There it was, the feeling of giving and take. The feeling of reciprocation, which diminished upon Alice’s inclusion in their equation. It irked him and it to a burning desire of attainment. The ambition within him.

Leaning against a wall, Scorpius laughed at himself. “So what happens if I get them both--? I find a new ambition and move on?” he smiled and walked down the stairs. Descending the staircase of loneliness and ascending towards acceptance.

He found his yellow road between the crossed blues.

He could not truly love someone.

 Maybe that was it.

He wasn't in blues.

He was blue.