Forbidden LOVE

The breeze was cold and humid. The wind passing me felt too light though it was strong enough to knock me down any moment. It was like I was floating. I felt too light headed may be because I didn’t care much. Rain poured down soon as expected. Heavy droplets moved by fast moving wind were ‘slaps’ across my face reminding me how life had slapped me in a similar back to back slaps. I stood there as if challenging the strong weather change. The never ending sea seemed to be in anger. I was not even bothered if the angry sea’s giant waves grabs me to its death whirl. I didn’t care at all…

Suddenly a bigger rain drop hit me on my eyelid. Ouch! That hurts. Yeah, My Mom is right. The effect of pain is enormous. It makes you get connected with the world. If not the actual world then at least the world of pain. I was welcomed back to the ‘world of pain’. But I would prefer to call it as ‘world of responsibilities’ because of my child. Oh! I had forgotten I had drinks. That means I was floating not because of the wind but because of the alcohol. The ‘drop-slaps’ on my face kicked down my ‘kick’.

I suddenly remembered my Adi. Not that I can forget him but the dose of alcohol made me forget everything until now. Soon I realized I was the only person to stand so near to the stormy sea. I looked back to see most of the people were either gone or were standing under the nearby shop roofs. I looked at the sea, for which I didn’t care much a moment ago, was now appeared like a monster. Two coastal guards were running towards me screaming something which I could not hear over the sounds of angry waves. A sudden rush of adrenaline told me I should leave the place soon. Before the guards approached me I ran towards my car without looking back. I know they might think that I was standing there to jump into the sea and commit suicide. I can’t blame them, because for a brief second even I didn’t know why I was standing there.

I made myself a cup of coffee and waited for my son to return from his guitar classes. The smell of the coffee and the freshness that hugged me after a hot water bath gave me comfort. I looked at the photo hung on the wall. Me, one year old Adi and HIM. I didn’t want to see HIS face every time but I had let it there for Adi’s sake. It’s not that I hate to see HIS face but that it makes me long for HIM, for HIS love. It reminds me of how much I miss HIM even after all these years and how badly I still love HIM no matter what HE did.

I remember the time when I saw HIM for the first time in my life. On the first day of my degree classes. How I was infatuated within a matter of seconds. HE was silent among the group of HIS friends standing in the corridor, ready to comment on the fresher’s. When I saw HIM, the time stood still. I could see the pain in HIS chocolate brown eyes that matched HIS fair skin. I just fell in love with HIM the very second I passed in front of those group of seniors. It’s still a miracle.

How I forgot the concept of college and studying and just hung around HIM all the day. How my heart ached when I found out how and why HE looked unknowingly sad. HIS love of three years had forced to marry someone else. That was the time when I decided no matter what I will not leave HIM. It was really difficult because HE was not the one to accept me at least as HIS friend. HE is not exactly introvert but HIS first love taught HIM to be more cautious about the world. And I was not really an extrovert but somehow I was able to have many common friends just for being with HIM. Most of the time I wondered why I was doing that when I know HE is not at all interested in me.

But that never made me stop myself from doing that. I hoped someday HE will realize it. It took month’s together patience to finally get a chance to be with HIM. Only two of us. HE has good sense of humor covered with a matured behavior. HE spoke to me comfortably. I guessed HE knew I liked him. After that surprisingly I got a many chances to know HIM better. Like we both were the directors of a drama for the college day. I came to know how much HE loved books, and HE is a well-known guitar player of the university, HIS mom phones HIM every day during lunch time etc. HE was surprised when HE heard me singing one of HIS favorite song and that I like to write stories and read lot many books like HIM. That gave us an actual compatible break. We became close as friends.

HE shared HIS lost love story and how much it still affects HIM and how much HE is ready to welcome HER back if HE ever gets a chance. I listened to HIM in silence. Not that I was shaken from that but I really hoped I could end HIS longing. Days were passing swiftly. HE completed HIS graduation and joined for HIS masters in the same campus. I was always enthusiastic whenever we met in cafe or canteen or anywhere in and out of campus. I loved HIM enough to forget my own miseries. I liked myself when I was with HIM. There were times HE looked at me questioningly when I forgot to take my eyes off HIM.

On one fine day I proposed HIM for which HE didn’t react at all and without any expression on HIS face just left me alone in the lonely road as I stood in the rain. Days passed HE never spoke to me. I tried speaking to HIM. HE didn’t care. HE avoided me directly. HIS friends knew something went wrong. They tried to convince HIM. Some of them came to my support. Months passed by I never left trying. It was a matter of shame as people considered it but I was not to hear anyone. In between internals, labs and records, projects, tech fest, externals, internships, inter college completions, presentations which for others is a 24*7 workings I still had a lot of time just for HIM which HE didn’t want. I was upset but I didn’t cry. I was not the one to cry. I stopped crying a long ago.

The entire semester went without HIS smiles and words and I never quit trying. Several times I wondered what was so false in expressing your love. And why did HE over react to it. But I know HE is someone I am in love with, HE has the complete right to hurt me. Finally when HE came to me to speak I was on cloud nine. HE was sorry. But there was no need for that. I am all HIS. HE told me HE could never love me like HE did for HIS first love. I can understand that, if not me who will?

The next monsoon I was graduated and HE finished post-graduation. HIS mother was very happy for both of us. We visited many places after college & every time I could see HIS unknown sadness coming back to HIM. I understood it and tried to keep HIM happy. In the next spring we were married. Finally it took five years to call HIM mine officially. Even after marriage I felt HE still couldn’t get over HIS past love of three years. I could feel HIS uncertainty whenever HE touched me. I soon got used to it in hope of better days. HE never asked me about my past or my family. I never even tried to tell that forgotten sad story. We were happy in a way as best friends may be now I realize we could never become more than best friends. Marriage was just an opportunity to spend more time with HIM.

One night HE confessed to me about knowing my past. One of HIS friends who was in love with me without my knowledge had banged HIM, and said how unlucky I was to love someone like HIM who was making me shatter again for seeking love in HIM. The friend had told how my happy family met with a terrible accident causing the death of my brother and father in front of eyes and how my mother had suffered almost a year in hospital unable to leave her only daughter alone in the world and how I had made myself tough after my mother passed away. How I spent my school days in a relative’s home literally working like a full time maid. How I got good ranks and free hostel facilities in pre-university. How much it was difficult for me to work from hostel day and night learning new soft wares and earning through them for my education.

When HE confessed, HE had tears in HIS eyes. For the first time after many years even I cried. The suppressed cry of helpless days, careless childhood, sleepless nights, engulfed in that moment and the fact that I could love someone finally was a relief. For the first time I opened up about my past days. HE was pretty much impressed about my ability to stand first in every semesters and in other activities even with so much in my mind. I cried still more. It was the first time someone really cared for me. That night I started a new life.

The days passed, after three years of marriage I gave birth to my Adi. After all these years with HIM I learnt something very precious. That no matter what, your first love always remains first and I can’t take that from HIM. The fate had a different game. When everything seemed pretty fine with me and my best friend (because I felt we were more of friends than couples) and Adi, SHE came back in HIS life. It was a new turning for every one of us. I saw HE was really trying hard to avoid all the past sad stories and lead a happy life with me and Adi. But HIS old love was pulling HIM back. I observed HE was getting weak day by day after HE met HER.

HE slowly started backing up from day to day activities. Many a times I found HIM just staring at the sky. It was not that HE met HER intentionally on HIS wish but SHE had joined in the same office and it was impossible to avoid HER. Initially I thought HE will eventually get adjusted to seeing HER. But it went uncontrolled. I was afraid HE might slide to depression again. I tried to pull HIM out of it.

One day when I came back home I heard HIM speaking to my photo in bedroom. HE was saying HE was so sorry that HE couldn’t love me the way I do for HIM. And what an unstable and weak person HE is. That moment I realised what HE was going through. I dint want to see HIM suffer anymore. That night HE told me about changing HIS job. It had been more than 8 months since HE met HER after 9 years. At first I thought it was all over now. But it could never be for HIM. I understood HE had always treasured HER and couldn’t get rid of HIS first love.

The next day I decided to meet HER personally without telling HIM. When I saw HER I couldn’t help but notice SHE was so ordinarily plane looking and definitely not a good match to HIM. But I shook of those thought. love is indeed complex. I introduced myself. On hearing I was HIS wife, HER already dull face became more colorless. I spoke to HER as if I know HER from ages. The thought of easing off my love’s sufferings made me do anything.

SHE started with HER story. How they had met first, how HE had proposed HER, how happy those days SHE spent with HIM, how HER father emotionally black mailed HER to marry an America settled guy and how SHE couldn’t do anything but obey HER father. But on the same night of HER marriage SHE had found out that HER new husband was a gay and married HER because of his family’s pressure and SHE was happy to hear that. After a year or so HER father expired and SHE wanted to move back to India and find HIM. But again the fate won’t work when you want. HER husband was killed in an accident. SHE didn’t have any proper information about the visa or any formalities. SHE was struck there in an unknown nation. HER mother didn’t know how to help HER get back home. SHE tried contacting HIM but in vain. SHE spent almost two and half a year working there. When SHE finally landed here we were already married and SHE didn’t want to show up in front of HIM afterwards. But now after all these years SHE was finally in front of HIM after getting selected for job in this company where SHE dint know HE worked. SHE genuinely looked sorry for me to make things worse for me & told SHE is changing HER job soon and get away from this place. I know she is a good woman.

After meeting her, so many thoughts- some related, some unrelated, some with no meanings and clarity crossed my mind. I found myself lost in midst of pool of people in office. In home I felt Adi was not given proper attention from both of us. I really felt sorry for my Adi. One fine morning of Sunday I managed to bring HIM and HER together. I saw the sparks in their eyes when they confronted each other. I knew they were made for each other. That day I told HIM they were meant to be together. HE didn’t want to listen to me. But I was ready to face the world again like before. I had seen the cruel world until I met HIM and now it’s not all that difficult to fall in the same space. But that might not be the same for HIM. I decided I will do anything for HIM for HE is the only one I loved and being loved by. Soon I convinced HIM to marry HER. HE was guilty for leaving me alone. Somewhere deep down I knew it was not love but sympathy, caring and our friendship that brought us together till now. I accept that but it hurts to believe it. I promised HIM I will live happily. I let HIM free. Free from my love is the biggest gift I could give HIM. Isn’t it love is all about? Wanting your loved ones to be happy?

I wasn’t sure if I should be there at my husband’s second marriage or not. If I go I was afraid HE might feel guilty seeing me and stop enjoying HIS day. But if I don’t go HE might think that I was not happy for HIM. Both ways I upset HIM. But I decided to go and surprisingly HE smiled HIS happiest smile ever when HE saw me. It was the smile I could never give HIM but SHE could. I was not even capable of being jealous of HER for what SHE gave HIM was something I never can give. Some love stories are written to be completed and some like mine are left without an end. I was happy for HIM. Adi was just too little to understand anything. He quite enjoyed being on stage with his father. I resigned my job the next week and flew to this distant country with Adi. HE insisted on keeping Adi with HIM so that it won’t be difficult for me. But leaving HIS last gift (apart from emptiness) Adi is the only one I think of having a reason to live.

Adi is 14 now. It’s been 11 years of life here. My son seems to understand everything. He never questioned about his parent’s incomplete marriage, never troubled with anything. Adi is a good boy just like his father. With a spec’s on face and guitar in hands he sings my favorite song just like HIM. When I cry to his song he hugs me, wipes my tears and kiss my cheek. We both sing together sometimes. It brings back old happy memories of my own childhood with my brother. In every behavior of Adi I find HIM.

HE phones every week to speak to Adi. HE is been a good father. I observed Adi really likes his father. Who cannot like that person? I know Adi speaks to HER and his new siblings. I like that Adi is getting along with them in a positive way.

HE wishes me on my birthday every year. I know HE still loves me but not as much as HE loves HER. But that’s not a problem. I am glad I have a place in HIS heart though it’s a small one.

Adi is growing fast. I think he needs his father. Last time when HE called me HE asked me to come back to India. I could hear HIS longing to meet Adi. Even Adi looks little dull these days or that’s what I feel. I already quit the job here and waiting for some formalities to get over to fly back. I think everything is going to be great. Only one big work I have now is to handover Adi’s responsibilities to HIM smoothly before this cancer completely eats me up. I haven’t revealed about my disease to anyone yet. I am happy everything is finally coming to an end. I am going to meet my parents & brother soon in heaven. But before that I need to take care of Adi’s future. I am sure Adi will be taken care of in his father’s house and he will be happier in a family which I could never afford.

There are times like today at the beach, when I completely get lost in thoughts. I wonder if whatever I did so far in my life was really right or wrong. But then at the end of the day I have a kind of satisfaction that in love there is no right or wrong. It’s what you make it. The days after I lost my family were achingly impossible to forget and the days I spend now far from my only love is as meaningless as ever. I can’t compare which one is the worst. Is it the days I had mourned my parents death and had to work hard for my living or is it these days when I am irresistibly in love with a person who is madly in love with another woman and here I am missing my own husband who is living happily out there… I can’t decide. Both are pains. But I never let miss those happy moments I had in life. Even if it’s for very brief. I enjoy the memories. Sometimes with tears and sometimes with smile.

Today is Saturday. The clock shows 7 in the evening. I know HE might call anytime now. I have to tell HIM about my arrival.

I hear the phone ringing… I walk towards the phone with a smile on face…eager to listen to HIS voice…

–END–