Eternal Embrace

I was so very happy. I felt I was the happiest person in the world. I had got married to the Man of my Dreams and my love for him was like a mountain waterfall, continuously gushing out untrammelled in a heavenly ecstasy. He was everything that a woman might desire. He was so charismatic and so charming. He stood tall and straight. Women would be mesmerized when he spoke to them. He was so knowledgeable that he kept them captivated and enthralled for hours. But I loved the way he smiled and looked into my eyes and said that he loved me more than anyone in the whole world. If I had plumes, I would have spread them out like an exuberant peacock in full regalia and danced. His words I cherished and kept them in the deepest corner of my heart. How I admired the fine traits of his character. He was so kind-hearted that his heart melted and poured out like liquid lava from an overflowing volcano, moved by the suffering of others. I felt relaxed and confident after marrying him, for after all his broad shoulders would protect me from the harsh world.

Days just flew past and I was blissfully happy. Then Vivek’s office schedule changed and seemed to take up more of his time. He started having “Official Meetings” late in the evenings and I stood for hours waiting for him on the balcony, till my legs started trembling with strain, staring into the darkness, which seemed to drag me down into an abyss of depression and despondency. When the lights of his car came into view, I would rush to open the door and welcome him back into my arms.

 When day after day my evenings were spent waiting for him, not being able to accept his absence, my loneliness and my longing for his company, became unbearable. I tried to while away my time by going out for solitary walks. Lights went out in the neighbouring flats but I walked and I walked till my feet became sore. Then there was another change in his office schedule. He started going off to different destinations on “official” tours and did not come back in the night. Then there were other issues to broke my heart. I would pick up the receiver, only to hear a woman’s voice on the other end asking for Vivek. Sneaky suspicion crept into my mind like an unwelcome tormentor and disturbed my mental tranquillity. How deeply I loved Vivek! I could not bear to share him with any other woman and my heart was shredded into a thousand pieces. My only form of protest was a silent tearshed in the privacy of my bedroom. My suffering, like cancer, was destroying me.

It was about eight months after our marriage. Vivek came home very

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early. My heart welled up with love for seeing him. I asked him whether he would like a cup of tea but he refused and said he had a splitting headache and was running a temperature. Anxious, I quickly took out a paracetamol tablet for him. But this was the beginning of the worst to come. His fever did not abate. Terrible pain wracked his body. The red rash appeared all over which caused unbearable irritation. Within days his condition worsened. He lost his appetite and could not eat because of ulcers in his mouth and tongue. The Doctor diagnosed that he had contracted AIDS. I tried to give him relief as much as I could but Ice bags or a message could not ameliorate his suffering. I tried to feed him a soft diet but he was unable to swallow. He lost weight and became only skin and bones, with his eyes staring out from the dark-rimmed sockets. Where was the Man of my Dreams, so handsome, so charismatic! But though he was now a “broken” man, I loved him with the same intensity as before-- if not more, as now he was helpless and needed me. Night after night I stayed up by his bedside, trying to comfort him. His groans rent my heart. I felt I would have gladly taken the affliction on myself, rather than see him suffer. As days passed, he lost his ability to raise himself from the bed. In his helplessness, and hopelessness he would cry like a child but I could not assuage his suffering. The doctors had also said that there was no cure for AIDS. So I knew I had to face the inevitable, though I had to assure him that with the new drugs that had come out, he would get better.

One day he called me to his side and asked me whether God would give him another chance. He wanted to live. He did not want to die. With the greatest difficulty, he said these words for his throat was ridden with ulcers and there were gaping sores on his lips. He held my trembling hand in his and apologized in a husky, grating voice. He wished he could undo the injustice he had done to me and asked for my forgiveness. Despite all his failings, he said he loved me intensely. Tears streaming down my cheeks, I tried to comfort him and quoted the great poet Tennyson “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”. He closed his eyes. He beckoned to me with signs to come closer. I lifted him in my strong encompassing arms and held him next to my heart. I saw an expression of peace cross his face and a flicker of a smile linger on his lips. We had at last become united in the greatest trial of our lives, in an imperceptible bond, which would last forever, for we were locked in an Eternal Embrace.