The test

"Hey, Brian?"

He turned around to face me, a puzzled look on his face. I guess even I would've been confused in his place. After all, it had been almost five years since I'd called him by his full first name instead of 'Bri' or 'Ian'. My heart twisted painfully when I thought of that. It didn't matter that we'd been married for more than six years, it was not enough. He still seemed painfully distant and out of reach from me.

In the past few years, he'd unknowingly managed to draw a line between us. We never had that line when we were young. Now he was unreachable. We never talked about anything except kids, school, and work. It had been years since I told him that I loved him. This had been bugging me for the past few months but it was this morning that I had the sudden urge to tell him how much he meant to me, which is why I called out to him.

"I-"

He looked at me, concerned. He'd probably seen how conflicted I was right now.

"Listen I-," I tried again, but the words were stuck in my throat, as if someone had put a barrier there, not allowing the words to flow out of my mouth. Why couldn't I just tell my husband that I loved him?!

"I-"

For God's sake, just say it damnit!

"I love you," I said, but the words sounded foreign to my ears.

As soon as I said it I wanted to take it back, but I couldn't. The words hung in the air between us, trying to look for an open door to let me into his life. This was a test. A test to see if everything between us was real or had vanished.

Brian looked shocked. He had frozen on the doorstep.

Will you let me in? I asked silently, through my eyes.

He recovered from his shock and smiled warmly at me. My heart warmed as if someone had struck a matchstick in it.

"I know," he said, and then shut the door in my face, the wind blowing out the fire in my heart.

I stood there in shock. He didn't tell me that he loved me back. We'd failed the test.