Dubious Death of Mr. Khorana

I hated Mr. Khorana so I was happy that he was crushed to a pulp by a truck recently. He behaved terribly with me from the very beginning. I got transferred from the field to his department in the corporate office. It’s a lot of hard work on site, so now I wanted to enjoy the spoils of a corporate setting but he didn’t let me. Then, was it wrong of me to wish death upon him?

Full disclosure: I wanted to masturbate all the time during office hours, whether in the office bathroom or at my seat, I just loved watching porn. Obviously, my wife didn’t let me have sex with her thrice a day so I had to masturbate five times at least to keep me going. This was a habit I developed at the field and I wasn’t able to get rid of it till now.

Masturbating at site office was easy and actually it is easy here too but Khorana just made it difficult. Khorana lambasted me on the very first day for not being on the seat for hours!

Ok, let’s do some math here: If I masturbate three times during office, each time after a meal (breakfast, lunch and evening snacks) and each cycle took me half an hour, I spent roughly but ideally not more than 2 hours in the joint.

Additionally, deducting lunch’s one hour, I had a 41/2 (71/2 – 3) hours workday. Also subtract 30 minutes each for the aforementioned breakfast and evening snacks time from the calculation. Now, I got myself 31/2 hours to complete my work. You know how long it takes me to complete my work – 30 bloody minutes.

Yes, you heard it! I am an effing genius. That’s how I got this government job. I cracked a really tough exam - like 4 out of 4,00,000 kind of tough.

So for working my ass off during the prime years of my life, for not jazzing my junk ten times a day, for not keeping girlfriends and fucking hookers, for not sexting, for not being naughty, for concentrating on my studies and cracking this god-awful exam for a god-awful job which gave me a god-awful site posting with 500 other men and zero woman and for working hard there too and sucking my seniors’ cocks, I finally got this seat at the corporate office and now Khorana wanted me to not enjoy my youth still.

How bloody wrong is that? Just think!

I tell you, ‘It’s a whole lot of wrong.’

So fuck him and fuck this organization. I have paid my dues and now it’s time for me to have ridiculous amounts of fun for the rest of my life.

When starting out in this job, I knew I earned the right to blatantly ask any girl to fuck me because I cracked the most difficult exam on the planet and I got a secure job and all these purported beauty queens (whose beauty lasts for a couple of years after which they turn into gold-digging cougars) are always on the look-out for a solid bet like me.

I am the number which always wins, I am the horse which always beats, I am a motherfucking, government- appointed, keyboard clanking Assistant, you shit-suckers. What up!

I am Ashish fucking Kumar and I rap and I rape and I am not fucking kidding, mate! I am a graduate of the prestigious N.D. University and these guys gave me a job of a dictation-dabbling Assistant.

Reason - This is the only department they have or will ever have vacancies in.

Reason - All the job openings above my pay scale are filled through nepotism.

Well they can go to hell with their ridi-bloody-culous system. Private companies suck the living soul out of you so I had made my mind to only work for the government. I worked hard for it like I told you before and now I won’t let anybody stop me.

Since Khorana was breathing down my neck, I reported him to my seniors. They talked to him. He agreed that we should all enjoy our lives and not care for our work and we shook on it. What the heck happened then?

Khorana began plotting against me. He made my life hell. You know all of us in government jobs don’t want to work shit but we can’t express this openly. We got to show the exact opposite to the public. That’s what we are trained for during our initial days in the job. And that’s what we did. That’s what I did for the entirety of my career. However, Kho-bloody-rana here exposed my lethargy in front of clients one day.

I planned then to kill him. I planned to kill him by splitting his bloody intestines. I was so angry at him. I asked god to kill Mr. Khorana, to kill him and all his family. You won’t believe what happened the next day (Oh sorry! You would because I told you at the beginning). I got to office, heard everybody was leaving.

‘Isn’t it too early?’ I remarked.

They said Khorana is dead. Oh, the relief! Like when you empty your bladder! I went to the mirror and saw the black mole which I have inside my right ear.

‘Bad things I have thought or said do come true’, I quipped. You should know, through my ear my black mole is connected to my entire body as per my ENT specialist. And whatever bad I think comes true. That’s how I accidentally murdered my parents. And I vowed never to use this power but fuck man, Khorana deserved it.

Anyway, I went to Khorana’s funeral and saw his body burnt to ashes and I liked it! His wife came to me. She said she knew! I said to her that she’s next. She complained about me to the police. Next day she was found dead hanging to the ceiling fan.

I immediately asked the investigating police officer which brand of the ceiling fan could bear the load of that buffalo! He was disgusted but he knew he had nothing against me.

Anyway, I reminded myself that I shouldn’t inadvertently say anything bad about me. I might hurt myself.

So since then what I did in my office every day? I masturbated like a madman.

When I got home one evening, my wife wanted a piece of me. I slapped her because I was too tired and she wasn’t as good looking as the girls in porn. She threw a bucket full of hot water on me and left for her folks. I was happy again and I cursed her. Next day my wife died; a few days later I accidently killed my son. A few years later, I was alone lying on my bed, masturbating while watching porn on my cell.

The porn star converted into Khorana and told me it was all a dream. I pushed myself to wake up. I didn’t want this life. I promised to god that I will be good. I woke up from the trance and saw Khorana standing in front of me. He mutilated my private parts. While I was bleeding to death, Khorana asked me to take it all back. So I took it all back by repeating the bad thoughts in my head but backwards. And then I lost consciousness.

When I woke up, I space-time traveled to the moment when I was about to ask god to kill Mr. Khorana. I followed up on my promise and headed towards the bathroom.

With all these mind-melting activities, I felt extremely stressed and there was only one stress reliever I could use. Masturbation! While jerking off, I thought to myself that maybe I should wish death upon Mr. Khorana and not his wife. Maybe God got mad on me because I wished death on her. Maybe after Khorana’s death, I should offer myself to that buffalo. She’s cute, I thought.

That’s when Mr. Khorana shot me through the bathroom door. I got out all bloody and was about to curse him to death when he shot my penis off my body. I knew I had only a couple seconds of consciousness left in me. There and then I had two choices,

1. To ask god to regrow my genitals (which I thought may qualify for a ‘bad’ thought since my penis has been the cause of my sorrows).

2. To ask god to kill Khorana.

And as you might have guessed, I love my penis more than I hate Mr. Khorana. I chose the first option. My penis got to a size of an infant’s penis before I lost consciousness.

The End