Desire

It tempts

I had a dream and woke up wet.

In the culture where I come from, they say early morning dreams do come true. I won’t be too proud of this one turning real. A part of me would die for it. But the nice girl in me despises it.

I took a quick shower. Don’t know why I wanted to - at five in the cold winter morning - but I did. Something didn’t feel right.

I requested my instructor to fit me into her early session. I decided to walk it up as I had plenty of time today. I slipped into my newly bought leggings and t-shirt. I double-layered myself. With pods in my ears and choosing a playlist to change my mood, began my walk. But after a song, it switched automatically to romantic tracks. Was IOS detecting my hormone secretion or was it google reading my mind's voice? Whatever be it, I decided to keep listening.

Every line in the song made me blush, tickled my nerves, and made my cheeks go pink. And I, like a maniac, had smiles and chuckles alternating on my lips.

I am sure every early jogger would have been startled by me or at the least sneered at me.

Did any of that bother me? Not an ounce! I was in trance… dream walking in my dream!

I quickly found a corner spot and laid open my yoga mat and got ready. I was distracted for the first few minutes but slowly got into the rhythm.

An hour-long yoga brought some balance to my mind and body - not the heart though! It was still thumping hard. Maybe it was the cardio asanas or the anxiety building up as I ought to meet this very man from my dream today. Being the lead volunteer, I must accompany him to the library for the soft launch and to the new project site visit.

On reaching home, I rushed to the bathroom. I badly needed a shower now. To cleanse my top to toe and bring me back to my senses.

Double cheese toast and hot chocolate for breakfast gave me a brilliant idea. Wellness is not only about physical health. It’s also emotional health. I am going to call in sick. I picked up my phone and noticed his response to my good morning.

‘So early?’ a wink emoji, ‘bad dream?’ Followed by a series of emojis - cry, hug, smile, purple heart, sun and finished with ‘good morning’.

 

What kind of message is this? Would a man nearing his forties send so many emojis in a text? Ridiculous! That was my dream mood speaking! In fact, I loved them all.

“Hey Aadhi, I won’t be able to make it. Can you go ahead without me?” I texted him.

“Why dear? Hope all is well.” within a second came back the reply.

“Nah! All good.”

He called me instead of messaging me. I politely ignored them.

“Busy? I thought you are off from your regular work on Fridays.” he messaged after three tries.

“Yes, I am off shift,” I replied not being able to lie to him.

“Madhavi can take the kids to school. I will come and pick you up and we can go to the site together.” He asked.

“That won’t be necessary Aadhi. We are doing the library first and then the new site visit. I will be driving towards your location. So please go ahead with your kid's plan.”

“A thumbs-up emoji followed by a wink emoji, that’s my gal. See you soon.”

Having failed at convincing him about my absence, I put the phone on charge and

began to dress up. My hands automatically reached for his favourite colour – a purple outfit. It’s been a while since I braided my hair. It was hard to align my step-cut hair into a single plait. Got it after a few tries though some strands were sticking out. Applied the usual foundation but a bit extra to cover my pale look. I did heavy make-up on my eyes too to hide my tired and perplexed look. Wore a long thin necklace that perfectly matched the ‘oh so elegant’, barely embroidered top. A hoop earring with leafy patterns on them went well with the breezy patterns on my dress.

Aadhi likes loud dressing and so I did.

Heard a ding on my phone as I unplugged it from the charger. I opened the message simultaneously reaching for my car and house keys.

“Hey, have you started already? Looking forward to meeting you. Excited about today.”

“Leaving from home, as I type. Meet you at the library.” I replied.

Turned on the radio in the car and tuned into the FM channel even before I started to drive. That’s my daily routine. Out of all the things I love, listening to the radio is my favourite. It gives me morning news, daily gossip, songs to uplift my mood, pep talks, and the latest ad is social media updates. So, what else can I ask for? I enjoy it.

When the in-between commercials started to bore me, I began to analyze his texts today.

‘Sun is for good morning, the cry is because he thought I had a bad dream, a hug? Has a hug become so common that one can send it to anybody? Maybe he was attempting to cheer me up from a bad dream. Fine, what about the purple heart – a love heart to his employee – that’s inappropriate. Okay! Agreed, it’s not an employer-employee relationship.’

My mind split into two and argued in defence and in counter.

 

‘Love heart to a random volunteer in his NGO seems to be inappropriate too. Okay, I am not random either. I can call myself his ally. Even then… does it carry a different meaning. Am I the one getting confused? Need to google it as soon as I reach the venue.’

 

Another kilometre and three signals to cross. I didn’t hear a word coming from the radio.

‘What about his ‘dear’ references? That is a bit offbeat.’

 

If not for my driving etiquette, my hands were itching to reach the phone to read the other past messages.

Another ad commercial on the radio to end my trip. I parked in the designated visitor area.

When reversing is when I looked at myself in closeup in the mirror and realized how overdressed I was. Quickly shifted the gear to neutral and raised the hand break. I dug into my handbag to find some tissues. But it’s too short of a time to remove and redo the makeup. Let me at least take the earrings off. Had one glance at my face in the mirror – eww… I looked pathetic. I put it back on. Oh, how about getting rid of the necklace? Before I could reach it, heard a knock on my window.

It was Aadhi. His voice was feeble, and I could barely hear him through the glass.

“What happened? You parked a while ago but are still not out. Is the door stuck?” asked so he started to shake the door handle.

‘Stuck in my mind! With your thoughts’ I murmured. I showed him a thumbs up and opened the door first before he could break anything. I picked up my bag and the files and prepared to get out of the car.

Noticed a pouch, that had fallen off from the handbag, on the passenger seat, ‘How about the goggles? Good idea!’ I put them on and locked the car.

Now, at least my vision is sobered down. My thoughts went regressive. I compared myself to that a cat who assumes that the world has gone dark once he closes his eyes. Irony!

And that’s what he first noticed,

“Goggles? Today? It isn’t so sunny.” He exclaimed.

I gave him a stare and continued my walk alongside him towards the library's main entrance.

He got the cue., “I meant… because we are going to be indoors.”

I removed it and hooked it to my top in the front, deepening my neckline.

I heard him murmur, “it was better on the face…”

Should I feel offended by his sexist remark, or should I appreciate his caring concern?

“Excuse me…” my voice turned stern.

“Sorry, if I crossed the line.”

That was quick, I thought. A man who apologizes for his mistakes is very sexy. So, I let it pass.

“Janak is waiting inside. We will have a quick briefing and then can get started with the inauguration.” I changed the focus from my dress to the day’s itinerary.

“That’s brilliant. And by the way, Riya and Raj are down with flu. Hope you saw their message in the group. So, it’s just the three of us from our team.” He responded.

“Oh, is it? I didn’t get a chance to.” I minced my words.

“I am sure… Even after rising early.” He was cynical. “You are not yourself today. We will talk about it later.”

I chose to ignore his sarcasm. Cleared my throat, “how about we invite your driver, Ra…” I forgot his name.

“Ravindran” he completed the phrase. “That’s why I like you. You are so inclusive. It’s a good idea.” He invited him inside.

The librarian and a few college students greeted him with a big bouquet of yellow roses. He gave his mesmerizing signature smile. He passed the flowers to me.

I was dumbfounded. Did he see an assistant in me – to carry his stuff? I halted.

He turned around and winked. “It looks good on you – goes well with your dress.” And a smile again.

I couldn’t tell difference if his gesture was innocent or if was it flirtatious. I got furious but kept my poise given the place.

Fortunately, Janak came to my rescue and took the files over from me and we walked inside. There was a table and four chairs arranged for us next to the stage. I kept all my belongings, except the bouquet, next to the other materials Janak had placed.

“Did you print the fliers? We have close to a hundred in the audience.” Janak asked curiously.

“Yes, there are extra copies in the car if need be,” I spoke.

“Okay, let me distribute them. Please engage with the head librarian. She was keen to go through the order with you.” he requested and left the place with the bunch of papers.

“Hello mam how are you?” she came over to me after her director began to engage with Aadhi. She seemed nervous as she met him for the first time. “I hope Aadhi sir is happy with the arrangements, mam.” The head librarian asked.

“Of course, this is lovely. All the decoration and having college students over. It is perfect.” Appreciated their efforts as I looked around.

“It is a very simple arrangement. Hope you both don’t mind it.”

“Absolutely not. We prefer to limit going overboard with the celebrations and..” heard Aadhi join in the conversation. And we both completed the statement together – an unexpected synch. “… and divert the funds to stock up more books.”

“God bless you both. You both make a great team.” She held my hand in congratulatory mode.

She then led Aadhi onto the stage, not giving him an opportunity to react to her comments. We were short of time.

He looked stunningly smart in blue denim and a white casual shirt with its arms folded to about an inch below the elbow. He took the centre seat amidst some boring middle-aged men and women who had generously donated up to fifty per cent of the overall project cost. All of which went into refurbishing the library and building a whole new section dedicated to literature college students.

And I stood there admiring this ‘five feet nine inches’ amazing man who is striving hard to give back to society. His honest eyes, captivating smile, humble posture, and a pinch of pride completed his persona. He is a treat to anyone’s eyes and a delight to be around with. I started to evidently drool over him, which caught his attention.

He gave me a wide smile and gestured a thumbs up to ensure that all was going well.

I reciprocated.

Now he’s not moving his eyes away from me. We were locked in each other’s gaze for nearly ten long minutes, totally switched off from the event. We weren’t doing any gestures or mouthing anything. Just kept looking at each other, and felt lost a bit.

A loud applause came to our rescue, an applause inviting Aadhi to the podium to address the audience. He opened a fresh bottle of mineral water placed in front of him, sipped a little and commenced his talk.

He had no choice but to shift his vision. I had a choice and so I continued to look at him. It wasn’t just me who admired him. He instantly gained popularity amongst the audience like a celebrity superstar. I silently enjoyed and took pride in being a part of his team.

Janak, from across the room, screamed “three cheers to our Aadhi” and the whole crowd joined him. For a change, the library was noisy!

After about an hour of people taking turns to speak, thank, wish, and brag, the inauguration of the new section – cut the ribbon ceremony happened. Only after which the environment relaxing.

Aadhi gave a sigh of relief. He came over to me and said,

“That was too much of social life for a day” I will be out. Let me know if you need anything.”

“It’s perfectly fine Aadhi. Do you want to get back home? We can catch up later in the evening.”

“No. I will wait. I am going to treat you guys to lunch. I have already booked the table.” He replied.

I was pleasantly surprised. He rarely offers such treats – not that he is stingy but because he is a private person. We have been out for coffee a couple of times and that’s it.

After helping the head librarian pack away, I walked out of the building my phone started to buzz. My hands were too full to pick it up. It rang adamantly until I dropped the things on my car boot and answered it.

“Yes, Aadhi...” I answered balancing the phone between my left ear and shoulder, “Text me the address. I will join you.”

“No, let’s go together in my car.” He replied.

I turned around and noticed he was still parked there, a meter away from me.

“Okay. What about Janak?” I asked. I finished loading, locked the car, and started to tread in his direction.

“He is coming on his bike. Apparently, he had taken only the forenoon off. He has to get to the office after lunch.” He confirmed.

“Ah, okay” I nodded. “Oops, just a sec.” I had to tell him as I had to run back to the car. I missed something – the bouquet. I picked it up and rushed. He had already waited for forty-five minutes. That’s how long it took to wrap up.

“Thank you and sorry that I made you wait.” I got in and sat in the back seat next to him. The cup holder divided us, of course.

He gave a quirky smile and said, “I did mention that the flowers are good on you. That doesn’t mean you carry it everywhere you go.”

“Excuse me! I can’t leave them in the closed car for two hours until we return. They will wilt. Simple science, dear.” I placed it in between us.

He raised his both hands and gestured a surrender.

“Can we go Sir?” asked Ravindran.

“Do you have a water bottle in the front, Ravinder”? He asked.

“Here is one.” I handed them a bottle that was lying in the middle seat.

“No, that’s half empty. Someone must have sipped it. I prefer a fresh one.” He denied.

“Fair enough” I put the bottle back where it was.

“I will go and get one, sir” Ravindran unbuckled.

“It’s okay. We are anyway going to the restaurant.”

I had my sense together so far. I hoped I pass the rest of the day in the same manner. Live in the moment and not let inappropriate thoughts weigh me down.

It was quiet dining at a rooftop restaurant. We went over all the best moments of the last two years, appreciated each other for our good work and laughed a lot. We had a video call with Raj and Riya. They sneezed more than they spoke.

While Aadhi settled the bill, I hurried to the ladies’ room - got a chance to wash the overly done make-up off my face. Just drew my liners, applied

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lipstick and walked out as if nothing changed.

He was waiting for me in the lobby.

“Can we go?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure. It is not even two o’clock and the security of the ‘Isla’ site has asked us to come only after 4 P.M.” I mentioned.

‘Isla’ is a half-finished building, originally built for a computer institute occupancy. Owing to some Government approval issues, construction was halted, and the local council took over the building complex. We were able to win the bid to lease for a dime, under the NGO category. Thanks to Aadhi’s sponsors’ network. We plan to set up our own little office on the second floor and open a small library on the first floor. If we get the permit, will open a sustainability shop on the ground floor, the profit of which will get pooled back into the NGO. All of this is going to keep us busy for the next twelve to eighteen months.

“I had planned another surprise for you all” he slowly started while we waited for his driver to get the car from valet.

I threw a puzzled look.

“I booked movie tickets.”

“Seriously?” Should I be surprised or shocked now that I am the only one here with him? What is this man up to? Totally unlike him.

“R & R reasonable. Janak too, partially. Now you don’t stand me up.” He requested.

I honestly didn’t know how to get out of this unexpected knot - a knot I caught myself into. My heart was not clean to go on a movie date with the same guy I was having an intimate dream about this very morning. Yes, it was not a ‘date’ as in a real date, but I felt awkward. I kept looking for reasons all through the way from the restaurant to the movie theatre.

“How about we take Ravindran along? Anyway, we have extra tickets.” I asked innocently.

“I have booked for ‘Avengers’.” He dropped another bomb. “Let alone enjoy it, how will he even understand it?” he replied.

I went blank and stared at him, “And you thought I would enjoy a movie such as that?”

“Yeah, why not? You enjoy everything from a homemade chai to dancing in the rain to the smell of a book.” And his voice mellowed down, looked at me and said, “You are such an admirer of life, in its true form. So, I thought you would enjoy the well-spent time with me,” he cleared his throat, “- with us, more than the movie itself.”

I slightly tilted my head towards his side and looked at him from the corner of my eyes. “you are very smart...”

He immediately adjusted his hairstyle and brushed his beard.

“… with words.” I turned around and clarified to him with a smile “You are very smart with words, I said”

He was quick to reply, “And You…. You have big, beautiful eyes that dissolve my integrity like salt in water.” He whispered loudly.

I blushed anxiously.

Is he hitting on me? Am I leading him on? I enjoyed it. But I don’t like to. I am clearly confused. There were a thousand butterflies fluttering in my heart, but it was also churning my stomach and I was growing nervous. I don’t know what plans God has for me today. But this guy plans to ruin my peace.

The aircon was on and the outside temperature was not more than 24 degrees, still, a little stream of sweat dropped from my forehead to the sides of my cheek, but my hands were cold like ice.

We got off and began our flight up the stairs to the screen.

“If you don’t want to, we can dump the tickets and go.” he made a fake gesture.

I knew it was just a courtesy mention.

“It’s okay Aadhi. Let me give it a go.” Someone had to be a sport.

Few minutes into the movie and I started to enjoy it. Maybe as he said, I am the kind of person who enjoys the best of every situation.

We didn’t talk much during the movie. Just a few glances now and then.

After the movie, we bought ourselves a coffee takeaway, I took the cold one. While he ordered a hot one first, he quickly switched to cold on hearing mine or so I thought.

Car was already out in the front, waiting to pick us up. We got in, left the coffee in the holder, and buckled.

I began to talk about the scene I enjoyed the most in the movie, Loki’s journey to Germany. I mentioned every tiny detail, the colour scheme, the background score, their acting… My face swelled up with excitement as I spoke.

My zeal withered off looking at his blank face. He paid attention to me but without any enthusiasm.

“What was yours? I asked.

He just said ‘hmm’ and started to think. It took too long.

“Let me guess. You don’t usually discuss after watching a movie. Am I right?”

He nodded, “Let me put it like this. I didn’t have a friend to discuss it with. Not until now.” He smiled.

As he spoke, he picked up the cup from the holder and sipped.

“Eesh… That’s mine” I screamed, remembering the water episode from the morning.

“Is it? That’s alright.” He shrugged his shoulder.

My big eyes grew bigger. Was he trying to hide his anger?

“It tastes the same.” He continued to drink from it and held the cup in his hand.

I bit the corner of my lower lip and smiled, continuing to stare at him.

A phone ring interrupted our conversation.

“I thought you were arriving at midnight.” He spoke on the phone.

“Ok, I am outside at work. Don’t worry. I will send my driver.” He hung up.

“Ravi, you need to go and pick up Vasu from the train station. After dropping him at home, come to the Isla site”

“Yes Sir, okay,” Ravindran replied.

On reaching the parking spot at the library, I picked up all my stuff from his car, including the bouquet and we walked towards my vehicle.

I loaded my things in the back seat and even before I turned on the engine, the radio station started to play.

After a while, he grew restless with the advertisements screaming one after the other,

“I never listen to the radio. I am not fond of it. I am made to listen to what they want me to not what I want to hear. It’s not my choice. I am simply accepting other’s choices as my own.” Aadhi whined a little.

“Hmm… that’s interesting... But I love listening to it. For a change, somebody is deciding for me. And I am free of one more responsibility. Yes, I do agree it is unpredictable. Isn’t that very similar to life? It surprises you, bores you, startles you, intrigues you, and disgusts you. But the end of it. The choice is yours - to keep going, quit, pause, and change! Sometimes listening to others is interesting too. You get to know new perspectives. What you learn might take you by surprise.”

“Oh. oh… that’s one hell of wisdom from my young lady!” he exclaimed

“If I may…” and he gently caressed my head.

I tilted away involuntarily.

I gave a startled smile. The gesture you give when anger on the nose and a smile on the lips marry each other.

“Don’t mind me. It is very interesting the way you unfold and reveal yourself. I don’t know about the radio, but you are a surprise package.” He mentioned.

 

“And I love every moment of knowing you.  Wish we had met ten years back”

Now, why the reference of ten years? He very well knows I know that his tenth anniversary just passed by last month. Is he trying to tell me something or am I making it all up? He is a puzzle that is not able to solve.

“Let me think…” I decided to tease him too.

“Ten years back - I was fresh out of college, campus placed, and had a very handsome young boyfriend” I replied stressing on the ‘young’.

“I was too…” he said in low voice but got distracted by the song playing on the radio. The phrases of which went like... ‘Who can guess the timing of flower or love blossoming...”

And he smirked, “I know it”

That’s the last he spoke.

 

After another fifteen minutes of driving in the outskirts and we reached the site.

Sun was setting earlier on this part of the city, hiding amongst the dark clouds.

Though the building wasn’t complete, the fencing and gates were erected.

The watchman opened the gate and let us in.

“Ok Ok, I will come in half an hour. You keep the phone now.” The watchman hung up on his wife and turned towards me to speak,

“What madam, you said you will come at four. You are so late. My wife is continuously ringing me.”

We walked to the entrance of the building and the watchman continued his soft grumble.

“Other days okay madam. Yesterday I was here till 10 P.M. Today, it’s because of the weather. My house is in the low-lying area and the rain has already started there.” He clicked the door open.

“I need to pick up my son from tuition and go home soon. My second one is having diarrhoea.” He switched on the lights.

“So, my wife didn’t go to work also today and take care of him.” He moved the chairs from the way, and he continued,

“I need to go and cover the roof with a tarp before the heavy rain picks up. Otherwise, the entire house will get flooded. There is one big hole in the kitchen, right above the stove and one in the living room right where my son’s cradle swing is. I told my wife not to put the hook on that spot…”

“Oh…oh… slow down.” I had to stop him. He was continuously talking. He was going on and on not realizing that he lost our attention halfway through.

“This is Aadhi sir. He is the owner of the NGO, who has leased out this place.”

“Oh...” he scratched his head, “I thought you were the owner madam.” He gave a silly smile.

All the while he completely ignored Aadhi, who was looking around and checking out the place.

“Hello sir, Good Evening! Would you like tea or coffee to drink? You looked very young, so I mistook you, sir, sorry.”

“Aah!” I was taken aback. “Mr Watchman?! Very clever…” I was irked, “Can we check out the other floors?”

Aadhi just smiled and continued his stroll.

“Yes Sir, come this way. We have an escalator on the right side, and on the left, we have the open stairs leading to the first floor, second floor and the rooftop. The best feature is this open arena in the middle, Sir. Being open to the sky, there is no dearth of lighting. And…” he was disturbed by his wife’s call.

“I am on my way, dear. Will be there in fifteen minutes.” He lied to his wife to escape the situation.

He looked at us and murmured.

“Sir, Can I go? Madam knows the place well. She can help show you the place. Please, Sir.”

In a minute, he demoted me from owner of a company to security.

Aadhi swallowed his giggle. “I am okay, but you must seek madam’s permission.”

I couldn’t say no to him, given his family situation and the erratic, merciless weather “It’s okay. What about the keys?”

“Thank you, Sir, Thank you, madam.” He left in a flash.

“Come on, let's go up and see the rest of the place,” I said and climbed up the staircase though the elevator was in working condition.

“This is a brilliant find” he mentioned as we promenaded back downstairs.

I lead him to the open arena in the centre to share first-draft ideas.

“We should make the best use of this open space. What do you think?” Aadhi asked.

I smiled “That’s exactly my thought too. See this.” I pointed to page 3. I continued explaining with full enthusiasm,

“And not just this area, rooftops also can be transformed into a great space.

This area can be made into a relaxed reading corner, and we can host weekly programs like, the “Read with your child” or “Read to an elder” kind of concept.

My preference would be to have the café upstairs. But the final decision is yours.”

I flashed many more paper drawings and pictures for reference.

“Are you always this passionate? So passionate about everything you do?” He got up from his chair and looked straight into my eyes.

I realized he wasn’t paying attention to any of the drawings and plans I was showing.

“Did you know that your excitement is contagious? Has anyone ever told you that?” He came closer.

Alright, he was paying attention to me more than what I was saying.

“Your passion! Your energy! It is so tempting!” his voice cracked.

His shoulders relaxed. His limbs went restless. But his eyes! His eyes didn’t waver.

He came so close that I could see me in his eyes. It was sparkling. It was reflecting the same passion I have.

He leaned forward and extended his arms to hug me but closed his fist and turned his head away. Within a nanosecond, he turned back and held my face with his hands, my cheeks resting on his palms. He advanced forward, his lips getting closer to mine. My heartbeat raced to one forty-three, my legs trembling, blood gushing from every corner of my body to my face and my eyes were shutting involuntarily. His first move had warned me very well about what was to happen next. The entire universe conspired since daybreak, leading to this very moment. This very moment could change my life forever, our lives forever.

I blinked open my eyes and saw his closed. I could smell his pleasant breath; I could hear his heart beat faster than mine. Technology is so advanced - building stations in space and travelling in time. Why isn’t there a way to freeze time? Why can’t I freeze this very second? Freeze it into a snow globe and let it float in the air forever.

I hoped for this. I wanted this. I dreamt this. I desired this.

Yet! I stopped him.

Yes, I did. I stopped him, with my right four fingers bridging between our lips. That was one of the lasts of feeling his skin.

He was startled. I didn’t give him any time to react or say anything.

“I want this as much as you do, if not more.” A few drops of tear rolled down and wet his left thumb. My hands took over from the cheeks. I clutched his hands together.

“This desire to be near you, to be touched by you, to feel you is burning inside of me like wildfire for the past few weeks and I reached its ultimatum this morning.” I could sense that he didn’t know how to react. He stood still while I continued to speak,

“But I respect you more than I desire you. I respect Madhavi. I respect your family. This moment of weakness - I may cherish it but you will regret it. It will spoil all that we feel for each other. Let’s not give in to it.

Now, this one full day with you and getting to know that YOU desire me as much as I do” I gently bit my lips and gave an ecstatic nod, “that’s enough Aadhi, that’s just enough.” I continued to nod my head with tears trickling down from the corner of my eyes.

I let go of his hands.

I didn’t wait for him. I didn’t want to let my hormones take control of me. I didn’t want to lose myself to desire. I sprinted my way to the car, without turning back.

Pressed on the engine to start, headlights cut open the evening darkness and tires squealed as I reversed out of the building complex.

I paused a moment to pat my own back, “Wow! That was one hell of a maturity, gal!”.

Tuned the radio to my favourite station and embarked on my way back.

‘What a day it has been - worthy to be etched in my tombstone!’ my thoughts ran to decipher and relive the best moments of the day – literally everything.