Deadliest Eating Disorder
Deadliest Eating Disorder4 mins 200 4 mins 200
Trigger Warning: Eating disorder thoughts and behaviours
When I was 15 years old, I developed a severe case of anorexia. I would not make myself throw up. I would only force myself to go days without food. It was not until I turned 16 years old that I believed with my heart that I had anorexia. When my mom would tell me that I was killing myself, I refused to listen to her. By the time I was 21, I refused to listen to anyone when the topic came up about my anorexia. My friends could tell something was wrong but they did not want to ask. When I was 26 years old not only was I refusing to listen to Jesus and had stopped praying. I felt very lonely in my struggle and at this point, I was very underweight. Also at this point, I had completely closed myself off to the world. I also began being aware that I was dying slowly. At the age of 27 years old, I began to get very weak and weary. I began falling in my apartment time after time. It finally got to the point where I would end up calling an ambulance more than 5 times or more a month, therefore I kept on falling. I eventually had to use a walker to help me balance and to walk since I was so weak. By the time I was 28 years old, I refused to listen to Jesus, my family or my friends. I refused to pray. In my eyes prayer to me was a waste of my time. I was as thin as a tooth-pick. I knew I was slowly killing myself and I did not care at all. All I wanted was to have the physical and mental pain gone for good. I could not walk without a walker. I started having trouble breathing.
At the end of 2012 (28 years old), I still kept falling even with my walker. I had fallen many many times in the month of October. I finally had a fall in the apartment before I told the ER doctor that I need to be admitted. I knew at that point that the hospital was my last resort. Therefore I was put in the hospital for two weeks. During those two weeks, I needed 24-hour assistance (I needed help walking and using the restroom), all I wanted was to let anorexia take over me and to die. I never prayed once while I was in the hospital for two weeks. I did not want any visitors at all during those two weeks (not even Jesus). My voice was so weak it sounded like a mouse. I did sleep a lot. At the end of the 2 weeks, as I knew I would most likely not see the next morning sunrise, I started calling my family and saying my last goodbyes. The first phone call that I made was to my dad (who lives in California). As I skyped him I was thinking to myself how I was going to say goodbye. Once I started video chatting with him I could not tell him goodbye (something was holding me back). At that point, I knew I had to fight this anorexia. At the end of the two weeks, I begged the doctors to dismiss me because I was tired of being at the hospital. Therefore I got dismissed with my walker in all. A couple of days had passed and I was still extremely weak and I fell once again. This time before I had called for an ambulance, I sat on my bed and prayed this prayer. Heaven Father, if it is in your will to take me now I will freely go, but if it is not in your will to take me now my only request is for me to leave a legacy of surviving 13 years with anorexia. After that prayer, I felt determined and started listening to Jesus. I knew at that point that the hospital was not my last resort and that Jesus was. After I had prayed, I called the ambulance. I ended up staying another two weeks in the hospital. The difference between this stay and my last stay was Jesus was right by my side and I was very determined to see the light of the next morning. I wanted people to come and visit me and pray for me, of which some did. After two weeks, I was dismissed. I did have to go to physical therapy for the next few weeks. Eventually, I did get my strength back and got rid of the walker. After I got rid of the walker I started babysitting for homeless mom while they went to work.