DADDY ISSUES

‘Jada, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but never.’

That’s what Peter had told me before leaving with his phone pressed to his ear. I couldn’t forget the way his frown had changed to a smile and the muffled giggles that erupted from his phone fading away as he walked away from me. 

Was this it? Was this all I was worth? He had told me he had liked me first, but the moment I had given him my attention he had switched. From shyly asking me out on dates to not caring about me. From telling how beautiful I was, to showing me pictures of other girls unabashedly. Perhaps he had liked me for my body and I had been foolish to give him a chance. To genuinely develop feelings for him. 

Now, I plodded home, blinking away tears. I couldn’t break. Not in front of all these people. I was still a long way from home and had just left school. Students milled about in groups, eating and laughing. Everyone looked so happy. It was unnerving.

“Jada!” A hand slapped my back sharply. 

I cried out in pain and shock and whirled around, already knowing who it was. 

“I swear if you do that again I’ll kill you.”

Raina grinned till her eyes were cheerful arcs. “Cut me some slack will you?” She linked arms with me. “We’re best friends, right?”

I gave her a sidelong look and then smiled. We had been best friends since second grade. She leaned more on the annoying end of the spectrum but nonetheless, she was a solid companion. For instance, a few seconds ago, she had slapped the sadness right out of my body without even intending to. 

“Today our homeroom teacher absolutely lost it,” Raina said in a secretive tone. She brought her head close to mine and added, “her face became red and her glasses almost slipped off her nose.”

I laughed and listened as she relayed the incident. At first, I was paying attention but then my mind wandered back to Peter. My heart slowly dropped to my feet as my blindfold began lifting, revealing a side to him I hadn’t noticed. He had often asked me to send suggestive pictures, and had even wanted to hook up with me constantly. In fact, most of our conversations had simply been him talking about me in inappropriate ways. I had mistaken that for attraction and had failed to realise that he had been lusting after me.

No wonder he hadn’t cared when I had stopped talking to him for weeks. Even when we made up, the first thing he did was comment on my body. At that time, I had been relieved because I had thought that it was a sign that he still liked me. Little did I know, that it was instead a sign that he was never going to change and that his main aim was to conquer my innocence.

“Hey, are you listening?” 

“Huh?” I blinked. Raina’s voice shattered my thoughts and she stared at me.

“Is something wrong?”

My eyes burned but I forced a smile. “No, why?” There was no use in telling her. She would do her best to comfort me but it wouldn’t change anything.

“Are you sure? You look miserable.” Raina’s eyes roved over my face with concern.

I laughed, batting her away. “Let’s get ice cream. Isn’t there a shop around here somewhere?” I looked about, trying to hide my watery eyes from her sharp gaze.

This whole situation with Peter wasn’t a big deal and none of this was my fault because he was a bad person. If I were to tell this to someone, I already knew the responses I would hear. 

‘Get over him!’

‘Use the pain to build yourself!’

‘His actions don’t define your worth!’

These were true but what was often forgotten was that people were different. The reaction of a person to a particular situation varied because no one was alike. For another girl, she might’ve used Peter’s harsh treatment as fuel to blaze forward. But for me, it had snapped the final thread I had been clinging onto. I didn’t want to, but I always ended up seeking validation from men who didn’t have good hearts. Perhaps it was because I had watched my father beat my mother, or because I had been groomed by a trusted family figure, or because I had become used to being mistreated. It could also be all of it combined. All of these things could have led me to fall for the slightest bit of attention and bask in even the littlest drops of happiness offered by a person. 

I had also been depressed for a while and Peter had been my escape.

“Chocolate or butterscotch?” Raina asked.

I looked at the colorful menu but the words blurred. My heart beat pounded in my ear and I couldn't breathe. This was bad. At this rate I would end up sobbing in public. I stumbled back, my eyes darting to Raina. “I’m sorry but I have to leave. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

That was all I said before running off. She called my name repeatedly but I ignored her. Already tears had slipped free and rasps broke out of me. It was happening. This was just the beginning of my sleepless nights where I would contemplate my worth and fall into the tunnel I had tried so hard to climb out of.

I didn’t stop running till I reached home and locked myself in my room. Thankfully, no one was at home. I wasn’t in the right mind to pretend to be okay and make up a convincing story. I sat in the corner of my room, my fingers tangled inside my hair, as tears streamed down my face. I was sinking and there was no one to save me. Strangled sounds escaped my throat and I hugged my knees to my chest. 

I was breaking. I was falling and there was nothing to catch me. Someone. Anyone–

“I liked the previous frame better.” A boy stood at my desk. He was holding a photo of my brother and I, his dark brows furrowed with distaste. 

I gawked at him and then shakily stood. He was….how had he arrived this early? 

Going beside him, I snatched it from him and put it back in its place. “That’s because the last time you visited was when I was in ninth grade.”

He ran a hand through his wavy dark hair and sat on my bed. “Hmm…was that when your classmate held another girl's hand?”

I glowered at him and he held my gaze. He was in a loose purple shirt and light blue trousers. His pale skin was smooth and his brown eyes sparkled with mischief and warmth. An aura of familiarity surrounded him and I couldn’t help but smile a little.

“I missed you,” I said softly.

Instead of returning my sentiment, he leaned forward and poked my cheek. “So, your face still bloats like a potato when you cry?”

I smacked his hand away. “I wasn’t crying.”

“Oh? Then what made you want to make filthy streaks down your inflamed face, and puff your eyelids till I can barely see your–”

“Enough.” I smiled through gritted teeth.

He raised his hands in surrender. “I’ll stop but what happened this time? Another cheater?”

“No,” I sighed, “he wanted me for my body and ranted to me about how wonderful other girls were.”

“Ouch.”

“Also, he had the audacity to tell me he preferred girls with colored eyes!”

“Definitely not you,” he declared, making himself comfortable amongst the cushions cluttering my bed.

I sat near his knee and touched my chest. “I thought I was going back into that dark place again but you came right on time.”

The light in the boy’s eyes flickered. “You don’t realise it, do you?”

“Realise what?”

“That me showing up means you're crossing a line deadlier than darkness.” He put out a hand. “Come here, lie beside me like we always do.”

I obeyed and slid into his embrace. All at once I felt secure and mellow. My beating heart eased and my breathing evened out until our chests were rising and falling in synchronization. I interlaced my fingers with his and his breaths fluttered over my head. With my back against his chest and the entirety of him cocooning me, I felt invincible.

“Like I always say, you never really liked him. What you really sought was happiness, not him.”

“I know.”

“So, don’t be sad.” He patted my head once. Twice. “Remember that I’m always here for you.”

I nodded, unable to speak through the lump that had formed in my throat. I knew he would always be there for me even if the world abandoned me. I knew it when I had met him years ago. I had been lost and empty but he had rescued me. 

The three months after my breakup with Peter passed swiftly and soon I was back in class, laughing and chatting with Raina. As we were joking, I noticed a figure passing our classroom. He had pale hair which seemed to capture sunlight and a bright smile, accented with dimples. I saw him only for a second but already my heart began beating.

Raina followed my gaze and smirked. “He’s a new student. His classroom is down the corridor.”

“Same floor as ours?” I raised my brows.

Raina nodded, her eyes shimmering with amusement.

I sat back in my seat and watched him talk to a group of students. I had never met him before but everything about him was attractive. All of a sudden, I was hyper focused on him and my heart–which I thought had been wounded by Peter–now pulsed loudly. Peter was forgotten and irrelevant. It was as if he had never existed. 

‘Please don’t tell me this is another case of instant attraction,’ a male voice spoke in my mind.

I grinned and responded, ‘Oh, it definitely is.’ 

‘I’m expecting approximately two weeks of sleep lost over him.’

‘Top it off with half a week of being submerged within an acute sense of worthlessness.’

A sigh and then a tired chuckle. ‘If you know it, why do you keep doing this to yourself?’

‘Because I like this feeling.’ My blood was rushing and my brain was slowly starting to create fantasies of my possible future with this new boy. I couldn't stop it and neither did I want to. This was my only escape from reality. Like a lethal yet sweet drug. 

‘Just when I thought I’d get a break,’ the voice grumbled.

‘You wish.’

‘This time no crying till you get a potato face, alright?’

I sighed. ‘No promises but as long as you’re around things won’t get too bad.’

A soft laugh echoed in my head and I smiled. As long as I had him–the one person who would understand me no matter what–I would be okay. 

“Jada?” Raina interrupted my thoughts.

“Huh?”

“Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

She waggled her brows and I looked at where she was pointing to see the blonde boy standing in front of our classroom. Instantly, I felt dizzy and grinned like an idiot. Raina dug her elbow into my ribs with a teasing smile and I swatted her away, my cheeks flaming. I knew this was dangerous. I knew that it was impossible for me to love someone this quickly. Yet, I allowed myself to be sucked into the toxic cycle of feigned joy and crippling sadness. 

It was self destructive but it was my only source of happiness however short lived.