Battles Within…

The beauty of nature is undefeatable and every time human creativity tries to compete with nature, it relentlessly ends up getting defeated. However, where human imagination integrates with natural marvels, a special kind of divinity emerges. The Ridge in Shimla had such a special sense of divinity, where Victorian Architecture amalgamated with the panoramic nature’s scenic beauty, creating a heavenly paradise on Earth. Karthick was exactly at the Scandal point in the Ridge, which bore the story of Maharaja of Patiala eloping with the daughter of the British Viceroy. Karthick was too confused about whether to listen to his heart or brain at that moment. His brain wanted him to be active so as to move on and explore more. Whereas, his heart wanted him to stay lazy, to stand still and to enjoy the charming view of the snow-covered Shimla with Hanuman standing tall at the Jakhoo point.

As usual, his heart won over the battle and he decided to stop at the place and relish the scenery amidst the background music of the chattering crowd in the nearby grocery shop. One particular loud voice was disturbing the perfect serenity of the atmosphere. “You can’t treat me like that and for that sake any woman like that. Times have changed. Apologise or you will face the consequences!”, the lady in pink salwar kameez was yelling at the shopkeeper who didn’t want to create a mess and reluctantly said, “Sorry mam. Please don’t spoil my business now!”.

When the angry lady turned, she got shocked instantly. “Karthick!!! How are you here? Totally unexpected!”. Karthick had a momentary jerk and replied, ”Hi Salima! I came for a business Conference. And, you?”.

“I am working as a High School teacher in St.Ignatius Convent. It has been years since we met. It's really a wonderful day for me as I am meeting important people”, beamed Salima.

Karthick was surprised and shocked at the same instant. Salima was his schoolmate, shy and slender then, who had changed over the years completely into a very different person. “I am happy that you have rated me as important. But I am totally shocked at you. What a quiet girl were you at school! I didn’t expect Salima to talk feminism furiously to a street seller. Do you think he will understand?”, smiled Karthick.

“If he understands patriarchy, he should understand Feminism too!”, scorned Salima. There was a moment of awkward silence which Salima herself broke by uttering,” Leave it Karthick. How are you and your family? Are you married? What about kids? I am extremely sorry, I don’t have any idea of you, other than the ones shared by media on your business. You are not even in the School WhatsApp group…”.

“Too many questions. You are a better interviewer than a teacher I think. I am not yet married Salima. I am out of all social media and just focusing on my career. I have to go to Conference in another 2 hours. Is it okay if I walk this way to Viceregal Lodge?”

“Wow! Such a beautiful place to hold a conference. Even the 1945 Shimla Conference happened there as also the decision to partition in 1947. My home is nearby the place only. Let me join you for a walk”, smiled Salima.

Life is too mysterious to bring in some people unexpectedly and take away other people forcefully. Karthick had built a new world erasing all footprints of the past. But Ctrl+Alt+Delete doesn’t delete things permanently from the mind. Salima had brought back the memories of the past and along with them the sorrow and guilt instantaneously.

Sipping some tea in a paper cup, Karthick and Salima started walking down the snow-covered lanes of Shimla.

“Chandrayee is not yet married Karthick. Spoke to her last week. She is still searching for you. If you don’t mind, can I share your number?”, when Salima said this, Karthick turned red immediately.”Salima, will you please stop the topic? I am not interested. I have been out of all this and happy for years. I don’t know why we met today. But, that doesn’t mean I meet others too because of you!”

“How many days can you run away Karthick? And how far? Why are you running away from everything Karthick? It doesn’t work out that way. You have to face your fears. Just a small pebble should not shake your soul so much. I thought over the years, you would have become strong. Your business, awards, money and fame has changed nothing in you Karthick. You are the same timid boy whom I saw in school who can’t face problems and runs away every time to escape. You know what, you are too selfish to even think about others”, screamed Salima.

“Yes Salima, I am weak and selfish,” Karthick said calmly without showing any emotion of hurt or grief.   

“Sorry, Karthick. I didn’t intend to mean it that way. But you must also understand. If you don’t like Chandrayee, you better tell a straight “No” to her. Running away doesn’t help. The pathetic shock was when you didn’t even come to Harsha’s marriage. What best friends you were! Harsha told us that he had invited you after trying so hard, to find you out through some business contact. But he said you may not attend the marriage. Chandrayee was hopeful even then. She waited till the nth minute that you will come. That stupid girl is still waiting. What a poor soul!”, panted Salima.

“Stop it Salima. You may name me weak or selfish or whatever. I am what I am. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me. I have not told one straight “No”, but a thousand “No”s to her. If she thinks, it is a “no”, only if I tell “Yes” to someone else, how can I help. I am tired explaining.”, sighed Karthick.

“Ok. Let us leave this topic. You can share anything which is bothering and burdening you Karthick. Though you appear cool and composed, I understand you have something deep which is hurting you like hell. Don’t worry. Everything will be alright soon!”, when Salima said this, Karthick was just surprised by how she found out, about the deep secret which was thrashing him for years.

Suddenly, a ball of snow hit upon his head. Rapidly fell, soft sugary balls of snow, all along the way, on the beings and becomings. In no time, the leftover shady colours in the streets were erased completely, painting the entire city of Shimla white. “Wow! It’s snowfall”, cried the child in Salima. She started jumping out for joy. Karthick who had not seen a snowfall till then in life felt dumbstruck and out of emotions. Nature is magical and miraculous in every way to mesmerize everyone around.

Soon their attention on Karthick shifted from snowfall to Salima. She was rejoicing like a kid, screaming and jumping, neglectful of the crowd. He felt that the purity of her soul and clarity in her thoughts was because of her not facing the harsh realities of life. He felt, she was never out of her shell and hence, untouched by the evils outside. Amidst the chilling snowfall, their conversation resumed.

Karthick: How are you Salima? How is your family? I remember, Harsha told me that you had a grand marriage immediately after college. How are your kids?

Salima: Wow, Karthick finally you are asking about me. Though they are cliché questions, I am happy you remember my grand marriage. But the truth is, it is more important to have a happy life than a grand marriage.

Karthick: I don’t understand.

Salima: I don’t have kids Karthick.

Karthick: That doesn’t matter if you both accept each other and are happy.

Salima: I am happily accepting myself Karthick. I lived with him for 4 years and then got divorced after a lot of bitter fights and arguments. 5 years have passed since then.  

Karthick: I am really sorry Salima.

Salima: Don’t feel so much Karthick. Those all look like some past life to me. Even I don’t feel much now. The only feeling I have is, I could have been a little more mature in handling the relationship.

Karthick: Do you want to patch up Salima?

Salima: Not at all Karthick. I should have been much more vocal to him about what I wanted and who I am. During the initial days, I was so hesitant and reluctant to speak up, even when things and people were hurting me. By hurt, I don’t mean physical hurt. He and his family, never hurt me physically. But they made me believe I am a second-class citizen. I am not sure whether they made me believe or I, myself started to believe so. I always wanted to avoid negativities, that I accepted certain things even when they were against me. I caged myself. Do you know Karthick, it is very easy to talk feminism and equality to a street seller or outsider than to your close ones and family. We always need their comfort and we can’t hurt them by telling them what we really need. The truth is we hurt ourselves actually when we try to please others at the cost of us. One fine day, when I opened up my dilemmas, they blasted out like hell, which got extinguished, my relations and family. You know Karthick, family is not just the basic constituent of society but the basic component of power politics. When you try to shake or even question the status quo, the repercussions are unimaginable. You will be left alone and shamed by all your close ones. After when you are abandoned by your close circle when you stand up for yourself when you stand up for something in which you believe, you derive a strength within, which is indefatigable. It will then not be just you, there will be many others unspeakable, whose voice will be you.

It was then Salima noticed Karthick was overwhelmed and about to cry. “I am sorry Karthick. I think I have confused you so much. Leave it. This is Viceregal Lodge… You can go inside and enjoy the conference. Let me take leave here. I live nearby only. Please try to come to my home after the conference. Just give me a call. Note down my number.. 80568…”, when Salima continued, Karthick interrupted her. “You didn’t confuse me Salima. You have clarified for me. Thank you so much. Can you do me one more favour? Can you come with me to the Conference? Please?”, when Karthick pleaded, Salima couldn’t refuse.

Viceregal lodge, the majestic building surrounded by enthralling lawns with pine trees and rose gardens, got crowded with the best business minds in the country. Karthick made formal greetings to the very few known faces in the crowd and got seated with Salima. Within minutes, the conference began and the usual speakers started with their routine business speeches. Salima though felt the speeches little boring, she was thrilled to see certain VIPs whom she had seen only in news. “ Isn’t he the Chairman of the Teto group? Hey Karthick, that is Beliance group’s Rakesh sir!”, Salima got super enthusiastic. Karthick couldn’t control his laughter on seeing his excitement about Salima. 

The anchor on the stage, with suddenly amplified energy announced in high pitch, “Now is the time to present the prestigious award,’ Best Entrepreneur of the Year. Let me invite the Chairman of Teto group to present the award. I am also extremely delighted to announce that, Teto group is willing to be an Angel Investor in the Winner’s company for the next 10 years. Not just that, there are a lot of other compliments and rewards waiting for the winner. And the winner of the title ‘Best Entrepreneur of the Year 2022’ is ‘Mr Karthick’. Mr Karthick, please come to the stage for the Award and speak out about your experience. The stage is yours.”

There was a deafening applause which reverberated and trembled, all across the snow-covered hills of Shimla. Salima was jumping out for joy and shouting with tears, unmindful of the media and news channels that were broadcasting the event live. 

“Thank you everyone for the Award. I am really grateful to Teto group and the renowned philanthropic chairman of the group Mr Ratnan sir, for offering to be an Angel Investor in my company. I dedicate this success to my team of employees without whom I will not be right here in front of you. At this juncture, I would like to talk about few things apart from business…”, Karthick made a momentary pause. The people on and off the dais became curious now and so were the people watching through the media.

“ I am a gay....”, Karthick gave a long pause. There were loud hushes and whispers in the crowd. “Why is he talking nonsense on the stage?”, “Who gave him this Award?”.. people started murmuring. Karthick resumed, ”Many of you might wonder why I am telling it, at this stage. Even I didn’t have the slightest plan to talk about these today. But few moments, few people can awaken you and your soul. Thank you, Salima for making me accept who I am. All through these years, I was in a constant struggle within myself to accept my identity. I even felt it shy to admit it and was faking myself to please others. Even my closest circle didn’t understand me. My friends started ridiculing me and bullying me for who I am. I got completely isolated in college and started focusing on my career while hiding my identity. I always believed, people would see me in a bad light, once they know about me. I was wrong. It was not others, but it was me who always put me down. It was I, who battled within myself against myself. Now I tell you all. I am not shy to tell you I am gay. Just like, boys liking girls, few boys liking boys and few girls like girls. There is nothing good or bad about one’s a sexual preference which is purely biological. Creating awareness about sexual preference and respecting people for who they are, is the core of sexual education to be taught to children. But we, as a society has created a lot of taboos, instigating furious battles within the lives of many, unnecessarily many times. Many of us talk about LGBTQ rights and are staunch sympathizers. But when it comes to members of the family, not many are willing to accept the reality. Many of you who are listening to me, can relate to what I am talking about but might be still hesitant to admit the identity. Success is something which is directly proportional to hard work. Yes, the opportunities and circumstances might vary. One may blame circumstances and discrimination to seek excuses and remain stagnant. Or, one may use the circumstances as motivation to move forward in life. There is no relation between success and sexual preference. Many successful people would have different preferences but because of the social taboos, many would not have admitted. At least in urban areas, awareness is better. For rural folks like me, understanding this is much more difficult. Every generation matures and betters with time, giving up the wrong practices and immature behaviours of the earlier ones. This is called evolution. I believe, when we respect each other, the world would be a better place for everyone to live. I would dedicate my next project to this cause. Thank you everyone for giving me this opportunity”.

There was huge applause which lasted for minutes. The audience was sunk in a mix of several emotions of joy, tears, fears, anger and sadness after the speech. Salima was poignantly crying, when Karthick asked, ”Sorry Salima. Did I get so emotional?”. She wiped out her tears, and hugged him and gleamed, “I am so proud of you Karthick!”. He whispered with tears, ”It was not Chandrayee from whom I was running away always but Harsha…! I was trying hard to escape from myself, battling against myself. Thank you so much Salima for ending my battle!”