ATTEMPT AT ABSURD YET MEANINGFUL TALK FEATURING ME'S HEART AND MIND.

Welcome to my notebook.

Distorted self-conversating callous thoughts

Proceed at your own mindlessness!

  

I am simply lost in this stupid routine where every day is passing through mindlessly yet I am trying to keep up with the hour clock that display some digits which are responsible for everything in my life, where I feel I have several things to nail throughout the day. I am running in my mind more than I work in actuality. My existence is in my head. All I could think of is how do I make the most of my existence and this is ironically killing my existence in itself because all I am is just a ticking needle in the clock of the numbered days in this thing called life. If I go out, I never be able to fully be with me self when I am with someone else, something takes over me, I wear this oblivion mask of a different me that I don't meet when I am alone, something comes over me and fills me with so much spontaneity that I do not almost have a justification of what I did and why I did .So where am I? Do I actually be present with myself? 

 

Vartika!

Let's have a talk, shall we?

I am talking to myself in my head through words here.

Words are actual resource so more evidence to my hokum thoughts, right?

Do you feel you are existing in peace, in sync with you, Dearest ME, Hey Vartika, are you listening to yourself?

I think we should take my no for an answer because Vartika's inactivity speaks y'all.

Alright so,

Can you name things which are making you feel alive presently?

This is your mind speaking here, it's asking you to converse through your soul or heart perhaps?

I know, I know how your heart is black with all the colors of emotions that you overload yourself with!

Must be tough not having a white canvas. I know how you wish to have one single color at a time that stays through one hour to the least.

but Oh! you are a bitter mess of so much transformation, so much mixture in thought and emotion, so much mixture of power and inactivity, so much mixture of happy and sad, so much mixture of paining and healing, so much mixture of laughing and crying, of kindness and cruelty, of life and death, of reason and absurdity that no single color can take a standard space, it keeps getting colored upon, one after another, those mindful and mindless strokes of colors wetting your canvas and drying up your soul in the same moment in different frequency. This need to have a bifurcation. It is blinding the categories into a Black Hole. 

 

I know now how you hate to work in binary opposition, I know how you hate to come to the dead end of a one huge bottomless pit too. It's because you are prying yet again into the sinking hole of your barely breathing head!

May I know where the hell is your heart?

Does it beats with power or just pointlessness?

 

I often deliberately enough burn my tongue to feel good about it having those tastebuds! just an effort to feel satisfaction about my unconscious consumption of beverages here.

Consumption of hot piping food is thus my way to go about feeling the tastes out there.

Thank god for microwaves.

 

I drink cold cold water to address my tongue about being burnt.

Its like a form of self-communication for me

Or perhaps self-love?

Thank lord for human heads and their inventions of refrigerators

Or maybe thank you almighty for thirst mechanisms!

 

I notice this sound that is reaching to my mind and oddly enough to my ears when I gulp a mouthful of water

The sound of water rushing through my bottle to my lips in a hurry making me feel loved yet again!

And the Umph of sigh! that I breathe when the consumed water runs free in me

Living its existence until my bladder talks to my head to free it

Bladders are so sweet for hugging all these liquids in us until our lazy motive ridden bodies finally decides to move its ass and conduct the awesome enough activity of urination.

 

Urination is bliss, I tell you

I am Vartika's mind but oh! What a relief it is that this gentle body activates midst peeing is heaven.

So yep, major part of the day's productive activity yet again is

Drinking water, letting the system process and sit with it and letting it out again.

I wish, this mind could also process thoughts with such ease, you have wrote it out and may they relieve you from your ever consummating construct of this brain.

I hope your rotten colors from your heart wash up, Vartika. Take them in your canvas and paint it however you want, but when time comes, just wash them off and feel fresh to welcome more vivid combinations lined up in the cosmos out there.

I am sighing off here for now.

Stop carrying these dead colors, they have fermented on your heart. please bath with a white wash for god sake. 

Signing off until next time, you!