And I Hereby.. Let Go

Vijay was just recovering from a complicated angioplasty. We had consulted the cardiologist when he complained of discomfort in the chest for quite a few days. He had been postponing the visit to the hospital fearing the rampant Corona pandemic and it was only when he found it very unbearable, he condescended to meet the cardiac surgeon.

At first, even the cardiologist did not suspect any abnormal condition but when the angiography was done, a block of nearly 95% was found, necessitating an angioplasty. The team tried to insert a balloon to open up the blockage, but it met with failure as a lot of plaque had got accumulated on the walls of the blood vessel. After two hours of struggle, they gave up the exercise and decided on performing a catheter based procedure called rotational atherectomy which would pulverize the hardened plaque within the coronary artery. 

Unfortunately, the rotablator was not available in the hospital and had to be procured from a neighboring city after obtaining e-pass and complying with other formalities. This resulted in a delay of a couple of days, but once the procedure was over, it was a new Vijay who returned home, happily telling one and all that he now had a new lease of life. 

Veena was with him throughout, except for the time he was in the ICU for she knew that Vijay needed her by his side. The trauma of the ICU was too much for him to bear. Both were happy to be back home and more than anything else, were greatly relieved to discard wearing the masks within the house.

However things were not going right and within a week, Vijay caught a cold which was accompanied by coughing too. They got a prescription over the telephone and started on anti-biotics and cough syrup, but apparently that was not enough. Their visit to the hospital for the follow up check was also delayed, as the hospital had to be fumigated as someone had caught Corona there.

When they did go to the hospital for the follow up, they were shocked when the mandatory test for COVID revealed Vijay to be positive. Veena was spared though she was with him day in and day out. He was then immediately admitted in the COVID block of another hospital, which was supposed to be well equipped to handle all kinds of emergencies. Since Veena too was a senior citizen, the hospital would not allow her to stay back in the hospital with him. 

Vijay was for the first couple of days in the General Ward with all COVID patients, but then had to be shifted to the ICU for non-invasive ventilation and extra care. Veena had to satisfy herself with occasional video calls, most of which was of no use as the phone showed the ceiling most of the time. Her daughters came to be with her but none of them was allowed to visit Vijay due to the strict protocol which existed during the first wave of COVID.

Nineteen long days Vijay battled the infection – prayers for his welfare were held in every nook and corner of his community, but nothing worked. A kind nurse would sometimes connect them on video, but all they could see was an emaciated Vijay struggling with various apparatus all over him. He could not speak due to the ventilator, and wrote out something in a crooked hand which seemed to read “I am ready”, but nobody could make sense of it. 

The later days were painful to watch as he was delirious, and not aware of the family members trying to get through to him. The family recorded bhajans and songs which he liked and requested the attending nurse to play them to soothe him. On the eighteenth day, the saturation of oxygen, blood pressure and other parameters seemed to be somewhat normal and stabilizing, but a rude shock awaited the family on the nineteenth morning when the doctors called to say that he was sinking and all faculties seemed to fail.

By afternoon, all was over. They were shown how the doctors attempted to resuscitate him for almost an hour when he collapsed. Veena could never come to terms and kept regretting that if only she had been allowed to stroke his head, hold his hand, whisper a few consoling words she would have surely pepped him up and brought him back.

Veena had spent almost five decades with him. Though they were married only for forty-eight years, their courtship was for more than two years. The boundless love they had for each other and the ideal couple they were, and the happy family were always the talk of the town. Vijay would befriend anyone and everyone with his simple mannerisms and endear himself to anyone and everyone he came in contact with. He believed in radiating happiness wherever he went and his passing away was a rude shock to the entire circle of friends, family and even casual acquaintances.

Life is a journey to death – fate decides that no one can breathe one more or one less breath – all these are good to say when we console someone else, but when the loss happens to us, it is difficult.

The priests performed all the obsequies and Veena stood apparently calm, but within, she could not let go of Vijay. He was constantly in her thoughts and not for a single moment did she not recollect all the moments they spent together – all those moments which now became history and had his picture framed and hung on the wall.

While Veena was sitting one day in the balcony with her daughters, a black and red butterfly kept hovering around them. It seemed to come and perch on each of them and try to convey some message. It was later that they came to know that the departed appear before their loved ones in the form of bees and butterflies, to reassure them that all was well.

However much the daughters would have liked to be with their mother to console her, they too had their families and career to look after. Veena was alone reliving the memories good and bad. Vijay had been the most loving husband, a caring and doting father and an affectionate brother, a good friend…… he could never ever think or say ill of any body. Their life appeared before her as if it was a movie and when the last reel was played, she broke down sobbing. The picture of Vijay on the hospital bed, helpless, limp, pale was too much to bear. He was in a delirious state for nearly a fortnight when he was intubated.

Veena then imagined how Vijay would be had he not succumbed to COVID. He had been heavily sedated during intubation to reduce the discomfort and pain, the sedatives would have surely affected his brain and he would not have returned home the same smiling Vijay that everybody knew. What damage could have been caused could not be gauged by anyone. The probability of him leading a normal life could have been less. He would have hated to be wheel-chair bound, or dependent on anybody for anything.

As Veena kept thinking on these lines, the butterfly came and sat won her for some time. She almost caught it in her palms and would not let go of it – Vijay had been too dear for him to let him go. The butterfly fluttered wishing to be let free and though she had cupped her palms loosely, she could sense the struggle of the poor insect. She recollected the words of the priest who told her that she should not weep, for the departed soul would be unhappy seeing her cry; she also felt the heaviness within her which was paradoxical as there was actually emptiness within and all round. Now the butterfly seemed quite agitated, and Veena felt a sudden urge to let it go and opened out her hands to let it fly away. Fly away, it did, but not before sitting on her cheek for a moment.

Veena wept for the very last time. The verses from the religious text were being played by her neighbor. We are born into this world for a purpose and try as we might, we die only when we are destined to, not before, not later. Vijay had probably completed his mission and so was called back. Veena steeled herself to lead a life in the manner Vijay would have wished her to.

She saw the butterfly happily fly away.