A Spy Or Not A Spy

I am Rashid Khan, a clerk in the RAW office and I was happy with my 9 to 5 desk job in my office. I had a regular government job with a decent salary which was better than most of my village friends. I was 25 yet to be married and was living as a paying guest in a small society at Safdarjung, New Delhi. I was happy with my routine. I used to get time for my hobby of reading books and most importantly time to meet my friends occasionally. My life was going smooth and even my maternal Uncle was looking for a suitable bride for me. I was very excited to see the proposals sent by my uncle, though I was yet to finalise anyone. I had even applied for leave for next month, while I was planning to meet a few of these girls. Akshara was one of the girls I was excited about much more than others, probably because of her beauty. She was very beautiful. Her eyes were grey and mesmerisingly attractive. But above all, she was a graduate like me. I used to miss my parents especially at that time since my mother would have planned and looked after my needs. But they died around five years back in a road accident.

I was deep in my thoughts when I heard breaking news on TV. It was about 7 pm on 13 September 2008 and the news flashed about serial bomb blasts in Delhi’s Karol Bagh, Connaught Place and Greater Kailash areas. The news confirmed the recovery of three live bombs, which were defused later. Indian Mujahidin (IM) took responsibility for these terror attacks. It was the fourth major attack by IM, an offshoot organisation of the Students Islamic Movement of India (SIMI), a banned terrorist organisation. IM claimed that they have revenged the Gujrat riots and the harassment of the Muslim community by the Anti-Terrorists Squad of Mumbai, Gujrat and Rajasthan. The attacks left around 30 dead and 90 injured. The attacks were timed when the average middle-class office staff were travelling back home after their day's work. I, like an average middle-class person, who has got more to think about his livelihood, thought that it’s good that I was on leave today. My office was near Connaught place and generally, at this time, I used to walk from my office to Connaught Palace for an evening stroll before finally coming back home. But wait, my friends from the office Hemant Sharma and Harjinder Singh might be there. The thought made me pale and sweat-drenched down the corner of my right ear. I slowly gulped my spit down my throat. I shakingly picked up the handset of my landline phone and dialled the number of Harjinder’s home first and I sighed a relief when I heard,

“Hello”, it was Harjinder’s voice. He repeated Hello, twice and then in his peculiar loud voice said, “Who is there, speak up”.

I mustered some strength and with I sigh of relief said, “Hello, Harjinder, I can’t tell you, how good I felt listening to your voice.”

Harjinder relied, “Yes, Rashid, it was good that you were on leave and I did not go to Connaught Place.” As he was saying this, suddenly, we both called up worriedly, “Hemant, how is he?” and we realised that both of us have not checked about him.” I told him, “Let me call him up and I will call you back.” And we hung up.

I called Hemant on his house landline number. Nobody replied. I called up twice, thrice and the tension was increasing in my mind and I was praying to God for his safety as I kept dialling his number…. Until, Megha, Hemant’s younger daughter picked up the receiver. Her voice was dreary and I sensed danger. “Where is Hemant,” I asked. She replied, “Uncle, Papa is in Hospital and Mama along with my grandfather has gone to see him.”

“Hospital, which hospital, what has happened to him?” I asked screamingly.

She replied sobbingly, “Papa was at Connaught place when the bomb blast took place. He is at Apollo Hospital, at Connaught Place.” I stopped her in between and said, “Don’t worry, Megha, He will be fine and I will just go to the hospital.”

I called up Harjinder and informed him that I am going to the hospital and he should also reach there.

After about an hour, I reached the hospital. Harjinder was already there. He was pacifying Hemant’s wife. The doctors were operating Hemant and nobody knew anything. As we were waiting for the doctor to come out, I saw a number of bomb blasts victims being brought to the hospital. It was the most dreaded scene I had ever witnessed. Some of the wounded included children. A small girl was crying sitting beside a dead body, probably of his father and there was a nurse trying to calm her down. There was nobody from his family who had come. A man was just brought in with agonizing pain and I could not stop my tears trickling down my cheeks looking towards his blown-off legs. As he was passing in front of me, he was continuously pleading with the doctor to take him to the operation theatre to save him, as he had old parents to take care of and nobody is there to help them. I was completely lost in the pain of these people, when Harjinder came and informed me that Hemant is alright and his condition is stable, though, he had a fracture in his right leg and an injury in his intestine. He said that “Doctor has told that he will be discharged in a few days.” I felt a great relief that our friend was out of danger.

I came back home at about 1 ‘o clock in the night after dropping Hemant’s father and his wife at home. Harjinder sensed my despicable condition having witnessed such a horrendous plight of the victims and their families. He told me to go home and he stayed with Hemant for the night.

The entire night, I could not sleep and the excruciating condition of those people kept haunting me. In the morning I kept thinking about those victims and the thought that if I could help them. If nobody came to get that little girl then I should adopt her. She needs help. How will she bear this pain alone? She would need help…. captivated by these thoughts, I reached the hospital. I smiled as I entered the hospital… the little girl was with her mother, I sighed in relief, at least, she has her mother to take care of.

As soon as I entered Hemant’s room, I saw that Harjinder was tensed and was speaking to our boss, Mr Harshad, who was the head of the department of information analysis of Asian countries. My smiling face turned pale and worried. I saw Hemant, who seemed to be sleeping.

I asked Harjinder, why is he so tensed? Before he could answer, Mr Harshad said, “Nothing to worry about, Rashid, we just have a meeting in this office and I was just discussing that with Harjinder.” He turned towards Harjinder and said, “Harjinder, we shall meet in the office at 1100 hours.” Harjinder just nodded to him and Mr Harshad left the room.

Harjinder, “I want to attend this meeting”

Harjinder replied, “You know Rashid, you do not have the security clearance for this meeting.”

“I know Harjinder, but I also know that I want to understand all these things now, more than ever. You know I like my routine away from the tensions, which you guys handle. But for once, I feel that I need to contribute more. I don’t know, how and what, but I want to attend. Please ask for Mr Harshad’s permission.”

Harjinder, although reluctantly but said, “Okay…I don’t promise but I shall ask his permission.”

I said, “Ok then, I am coming with you.” Like a child getting enthusiastic about getting permission to go and play.

At 1030 hours, we were waiting for Mr Harshad to come. All the analysts were working on the data and the inputs they could generate about these incidents. Though, I did not understand anything of this, being a clerk, authorised only to manage the dispatch of normal routine letters and salary-related issues of the staff. This was the first time I have entered this hall, where all these computers and gadgets were being used by the staff. Harjinder, I knew had taken a great risk by allowing me to enter this hall, without Mr Harshad’s permission. Mr Harshad arrived at exact 1100 hours and started asking questions to the staff about various updates. The big-screen opened in front showed various maps and a lot of information…. showing the movement of terrorist organisations.

Mohit, one of the newly posted persons started his brief, “The IS head Shamsher was last reported to have spoken to a Pakistani ISI general, yesterday. Though the complete information could not be deciphered as yet, there are signs of him informing about Mithai (sweets) reaching Delhi. In all probability, he had these instructions and help from across the border.”

Mr Harshad suddenly shouted, “Who the hell has allowed Rashid into this room. Rashid, you just fuck off, immediately. Harjinder, I will talk to you later.”

Harjinder signalled me and I like a terrified baby left the hall.

Mr Harshad scolded Harjinder later that day in his office and warned that he will take serious action against him. I apologised to Harjinder in the evening before leaving for office. I was sent on compulsory leave for one month, which I was happy to receive though I had planned to go to my native place next month.

The next week passed with some minor thoughts and slowly like other average human beings, I also forgot about the incident. As it is, there was nothing much I could have done with my fearful nature and the thought that I just want to lead a normal life with my family. Akshara, was always there in my thoughts, all this while. Her thoughts actually made my forgetting these incidents easier. I wanted to live a happily married life with her.

I finally went to my village, Shivari, near Lucknow, Utter Pradesh, India. Shivari was a small village with about 500 houses and a population of about 5000 people. The village had a small pond where we all used to swim and play on the adjacent ground. The religious ethnicity of my village was either Hindus and Muslims, without any personal animosity and never had there been a religious conflict. The elders of the village had ensured that all of us leave in peace and harmony. With time, the village has started expanding and a few of the young men like me had moved out in search of better work possibilities. Girls were also given equal opportunity to study, although in some Muslim houses, it was restricted to an extent and they did not allow girls to leave the village, the situation and thoughts were improving with the passage of time.

In the village, I was given a welcome party by my friends and I was very to have met them, away from the chaos of the national capital, New Delhi. The first few days went in meeting everyone in the village. My Uncle, Mushtaq Khan had planned the meetings for the next week. Though I was interested in only one but I could not muster the courage to tell this to my uncle, as I was feeling shy.

The next week we met around four families, but I didn’t find anyone suitable. My Uncle thought was interested in one of them who had studied till 12th grade. It was time for me to hint at him, so one day during dinner time, I told him that in New Delhi, my job is such sometimes I have to go to other cities for work. My wife will have to stay alone as I cannot take her with me every time. It would be better that she is educated and smart enough to handle the house independently for some time.

My uncle immediately replied, “then, in that case, we should the daughter of Moin Khan first as she is the only graduate girl, we know.”

I was in ecstasy as this was what I was interested in. The next day we went to meet Akshara and her family. Although the middle man was informed that we were coming to meet the family, however, somehow it was not conveyed to Akshara’s family. As we reached the house, Mr Moin was in shock but then he knew, how to welcome the guests. But as luck would have been, I got a shock of my life, an unexpected response…. they had finalised her Nikah (marriage) with someone a day prior.

I was distressed at my fate and could not even meet her once. Life always has its own plans for us. The next two weeks were just passed away with friends and meeting some girls but nothing came out. I came back to Delhi, three days before my leave finished.

On reaching home, I called up Hemant and felt good that he was recovering and was better now.

Harjinder was away on some work for about a couple of months and I could not speak to him.

Life seemed to be boring and my thoughts of Akshara were making my thoughts melancholy. To overcome these unwanted excruciating feelings, I went to Jama Masjid for my prayers. I started to get unburdened by my stressful feelings. I started doing my five times Namaz, which made me feel better. On 10th October, while I went for offering my Juma Namaz, a person named Ashfaq met me. His tenderness, politeness and caring nature brought us together. He seemed to be a nice man, and we started meeting each other quite often. Within a fortnight, our friendship grew and he even came to my house. We started discussing religion quite often. Though my roots in the village were strong, unknowingly, I don’t know-how, he started turning my mind towards hatred towards other religions. One day he took me to his friend’s place, where he showed me some clippings of massacres and atrocities being done on Muslims across the world. It included some images of Indian cities also.

That night I could not sleep and my mind started converging towards the hate speeches he made me listen to. The teachings of our village elders were starting to fade. Harjinder’s absence added to the fuel as there was nobody who could save me from the unknowing trenched path that I was about to take. The next day when I met him at the mosque, he introduced me to a maulvi. His name was Qazi Tariq Hasan. He spoke to me for an hour and was almost able to convert me to a staunch Muslim follower. A few more days like this pass and I started to feel dejected that I am not able to help my fellow Muslim brothers. Those speeches, hate movies, talks were antagonizing my mind and I was almost ready for anything, what they told me. After about a month, they told me to get some information from my office. Little did I understand their game plan, and I foolishly thought that I should help them.

Next few days, I tried all means possible to get some information but the office cyber controls and physical security measures were full proof and I could not get the details. They told me to get closer to Harjinder and convince him that I wanted to help RAW and he should get me inside the team.

At the office, I asked Harjinder, “I would like to be part of the team inside.”

Shockingly, He replied, “Are you out of your mind, Rashid, Mr. Harshad will suspend or may even terminate me, if I even tried to ask him. You don’t know, how I managed to convince him that day. I am not going to ask him.”

But friend as he was, after two three days of my cribbing and perseverance, he agreed to ask Mr Harshad. He spoke to Mr Harshad and surprisingly, Mr Harshad allowed me to part of the team. But for that, I was required to pass some tests. I was elated that now I will be able to help my community. The same day evening I made an excuse from Harjinder that I need to go to Mosque and I shall not be going to Connaught place as per our routine. I met Qazi Tariq and informed them about my likelihood of joining the team. He again preached to me about my ultimate path and the help I am going to do for the cause of Allah.

Next few days, I was put to some written tests and I thought I am passing them all and soon will be part of the team. All this while I was meeting Ashfaq and his friends. One morning as I entered the office, Harjinder came to me and told me that we have to go somewhere. On further questioning, he told me that I have to give some physical tests to become part of the team. But I said, “Oh! You should have told me earlier. I am wearing a shirt and tie with bogue shoes. I at least need sports shoes.”

Harjinder said, “Don’t worry everything will be provided to you. But before we go to that place, we will stop at Apollo Hospital to collect some documents of Hemant. It will not take much time.”

When we reached Hospital, Harjinder went inside one of the wards, where Blast’s victims were still trying to recover from the injuries. He met each one of them and confided with their pains and tried to inspire them about the importance of life and the fact they will recover soon. I thought how thoughtful of Harjinder to have come and meet these people. I was feeling their pain and somewhere back in my mind I felt bad about what I was trying to do these days. I am trying to help these perpetrators. I was feeling ashamed and thought that I would tell Harjinder. My thoughts were broken when Harjinder called my name and said, “Let’s go. We have to go.”

While we were driving towards the training area, I was trying to muster my strength and looking for the correct words to tell Harjinder everything. I tried hard but could not.

After about an hour, we reached a secluded closed factory. There must be an underground secret RAW training ground and I will now be part of the real team. The moment we reached there; I saw Mr Harshad standing there. I was surprised to see him as I never expected him to take such a keen interest in me. Mr Harshad asked me to sit on a chair and I like an obedient boy just sat without having an iota of doubt about what was happening.

Harjinder started, “Look, Rashid, we are here to help you. We know what you are up to these days and whom you are meeting in Jama Masjid.”

I was surprised or should I say terrified. I thought nobody knew anything. I never thought that I was under a watch. Little did I knew that Harjinder was the smartest of all the men in the office. He probably had some doubts and would have observed my changed behaviour in the office.

Mr Harshad further added, “Rashid, it happens, sometimes in life, we get confused, especially, when we are going through a rough patch in life. Have you forgotten those sufferings of the people you saw in the hospital? The other day you wanted to join the team for punishing those who were behind these bomb blasts and today you want to help those terrorists. Shivari, your village is a good village and people are patriotic and above all, they respect all religions.

The name of my village and my people was enough to make me break into my already devastated heart. I could not hold on to my tears…. This was not what I expected and I thought now I would be jailed and above all my village people will know, how foolish I am.

Harjinder interrupted my thoughts, “Rashid, do not worry. Nothing will happen to you. You just have to listen to us and everything will be fine and life will become the same for you, as it was.”

“No. Harjinder, I am not a good man, I am a fool. I wish you or Hemant should have been there for me when I came back dejected after leave. I have been brainwashed by these people. They proved to me that Muslims are being targeted by Hindus in India and non-Muslims around the world. They showed me those videos and made me meet the people who suffered due to these carnages. They made me believe all this and I just could not understand. And look where I am now…I would be jailed and my life and above all my entire family will lose the respect in the village and even my village will now be called a traitors village or perhaps even a terrorist village.”

Harjinder tried to speak to me, but I was lost in my fears and I could not control my tormented emotions. He literally had to shout at me shook me hard to get me back to listen to them. Harjinder said, “Nothing will happen to you. I will always there with you.”

Mr Harshad added, “we need to know what they are doing and for that, you will have to help us. In return, you will get back your life.”

I was still engrossed in my demon’s thoughts and trying to get peace with my actions. But I started to comprehend my condition and the way out of this mess I have created for myself. Will I able to come out of this?

Harjinder stopped me from overthinking and said,” You have been brainwashed by these people but you will have to keep your calm and tell us everything so that we can help you get out of this problem.”

Getting my wits back, I told them everything about Ashfaq and Qazi Tariq. The places where all we met and the other members of the group. “What was the name of the group, Mr Harshad asked me.”

‘I don’t know, they never told me.” I replied.

“Don’t worry, we will get the details. Anything more you remember and any specific person maybe some tall, dark, well-built man with a beard but no moustaches.”

I said “No.” after recollecting my thoughts.

Mr Harshad said, “Alright, I think you have told us everything you know. But we need to find more about this organisation and its people. What are they up to in Delhi? You will help us find those details, Rashid.”

“Me” as surprised as I could be. “I will not go there again. You know me Mr Harshad I cannot handle this. They have already tried manipulating my mind and they even succeeded a bit. Thanks to you that I am back in my senses. I am also thankful to God that I could not do anything wrong.

“That’s what you think, but you have already tried to get the data and it's an offence. You will have to prove your innocence to be able to join your work.” Mr Harshad told me with a fierce voice. I was stunned and turned pale. Harjinder tried to mollify me, but I was shaken beyond my capability.

Harjinder said, “Rashid, you are already into the group and now it would be easy for you to 3get us the required information. We will train you for this. Don’t worry, I am there with you. This is the golden opportunity we have to ensure that we are able to stop the nefarious activities of these people and maybe you are able to save a lot of lives.”

“No, Harjinder, you know it's not possible for me. I cannot do this.” I spoke after getting my wits together.

“Well, in that case, we will have to arrest you and hand over to the police for treason and abetting terrorism.” Mr Harshad said sternly.

“What! You think that I am a terrorist.” I shouted unbelievingly.

Harjinder interrupted and said, “Well, you have an opportunity to clear all this mess and you must think about this offer and can reply tomorrow morning.”

“Isn’t it Mr Harshad?” asked Harjinder. To which, Mr Harshad nodded, reluctantly perhaps.

While dropping me back at my house, Harjinder told me to come for dinner at Hemant’s house tonight. I said, “you wanted me to think, I thought.”

“Yes, but I think we are friends and we can help you and above all, you have not met Hemant, since the last two weeks.”

I reached Hemant’s house at 8 pm and Harjinder was already there with his family. I was welcomed by Mrs Hemant inside the house. It felt nice to be with all of them and especially after a long time and moreover after my misadventure of the last couple of weeks. I was surprised to see that everyone behaved normal and even Hemant, who was still on crutches, did not have an iota of bad feelings towards me. I am sure he was aware of my doings. Harjinder would have told him, for sure. And then the moment came when three of us were alone at the Hemant’s balcony on the 15th floor from where we could see a large part of the city.

After a brief pregnant silence, Harjinder started, “Hemant, you know, soon Rashid is going to join the inner circle.”

“Oh! Great, is he prepared to join,” commented Hemant.

“I am yet to make my mind, for this,” I responded cautiously, ensuring that I don’t annoy them both.

Harjinder said, “Yes, we know. But I am sure that you will join. I know you. Don’t I?’ He asked me.

“Yes,” I replied promptly.

“Well, Rashid, I will make you understand this. There is a naïve mistake you have done and you are aware of this. They played with your mind and succeeded it too. You have been thankfully saved in time and have an opportunity to reverse this all and make your parents and most importantly yourself feel proud of your actions. We are sure that you will not want to live such a life and curse every second of your life, thinking that I should have act sensibly.” Said Hemant.

Before I could respond, Harjinder added, “You have a golden opportunity and with this, you can help your countrymen and save thousands of lives which these terrorists will take in due course of time, if are not able to stop them in time. We all owe at least this much to our motherland.”

After thinking about what they said, I took a deep breath and sighed as of relief that I have such good friends. I said, “You know, I would love to help and reverse the situation but you know I am petrified. Unknowing of the consequences, I did all that. But now I when I know their evil intentions, I may not able to muster enough strength. I am not that strong physically and mentally to handle this work. In other words, you are asking a person who is happy in his average desk job to become a spy. I am not capable of doing this job. Why don’t you guys do it? You have a family that is why? I suppose.”

Harjinder replied “Rashid, firstly yes, you don’t have a family. But I do this work, occasionally though. Where do you think about these tours for such a long time? Moreover, you have an access to the group, which is the most difficult part of this work. You are already halfway through. It will not be difficult for you to get information. The agency will help you with all that. Lastly, you don’t have many options, either you help or you know, What Mr Harshad said.”

Terrified with the situation I am in, I told them “I would need time to think and even if I do this task, you will have to promise that I will not be asked to do it again. I don’t want to become a spy.”

Both of them replied in unison, “That we guarantee.” “Unless you want to do it again.” Added Harjinder. And we all started laughing together trying to forget the past. Though, I was still in shivers with the thought that I am going to this work. I never thought beyond tables.

The next day, I confirmed to Mr Harshad that I am ready to do this job. My training started while I was still made to continue my relations with Qazi Moin and others.

Thus began my task to get the details of this tall man with a goatee beard and purportedly a spy of ISI. Little did I knew that it would just be my first task and the I will get engrossed in this world of spies….