TWO KINGS OF LIMERICKS

TWO KINGS OF LIMERICKS AND JOKES

 

Once upon a time

Two kings of lands

Of limericks and jokes

Composed they poetries

And stanzas for each of their parodies

One from Kingdom Jolly and one Oh! From Kingdom Holly

Two king friends as thick as thieves

Heisted a heist!

In a funny way though

Armed with fake rubber joke pistols

And double edged swords

Rolled they a pun of jargon 

Like burglars and bandit thieves

Robbing gunny sacks full of satirical humour and comic

Instead of million dollars worth of jewels

Loved they hustling with merry limericks

Funny riddles in figures of speech

Baffling every one

As they jostled with swords and maces around

They like funny clowns

Said King Henry to King Todd

"Dear King Todd now don't you remind me

Of an old life buoy

About a hundred would clutch to those tiers

On your waist

Pray tell me how your ship ever sails

'Tseems to be stuck forever in a blimey hole

Right in middle of sea

With passengers sending rockets, S.O.S's

Flares and smoke jets

Upon buoy you float so well sea tides tempestuously"

 

To which King Todd replied King Henry of course

With a smile

"Pray King Henry tell me why

Thousands of connoisseurs and critiques

Could sit on the table of your bellicose belly

With labels for every delicious pork fat and veal jelly

As you cry a fable for mine

So do I for yours

I'd indeed turn tables

And make you folklore

For you see your table generously spread food 

Like banquet dinner halls

 Double sized bed of lobsters, shrimps

Mackerel, clams, squids, jelly fishes and more

All seated side by side with knives and forks

Than those flabby tiers of my poor old 

Life buoy of course!"

He snidely cursed the jaunty good old King

Adding

"By the way I mean instead of measure for measure

Belly for belly

The way it curves!"

 

King Henry laughing hysterically like a hyena

Got tickled blue and pink

Chinny up! And head held high

Said to King Todd

His excellence as if 'twere a mate he raced 

His rally champion or maybe his ally 

Two goofy contenders if you please

Hog wash and bally hoo!

Like nursery rhymes….

Two Piggy's on a railway line picking up stones

Swatting a fly on his double chinnity chin said he to King Todd

"Dear King I fear the crown never fits

Perfectly well

It always tilts left or right

Like Leaning Tower of Pizza

Pray tell me good friend

What would balance crown

Straight without a bend

I suppose good conscience!"

 

Upon which King Todd

Laughing in vain

Like a squeaking rat and a squealing limpkin

Tickled his court men side by side

Oblong, long, short 

Even some grotesque and crude ruffians

With maces, clubs, clobbers, swords and spears

So towering and tall

All armed within their golly court

Of Jolly and Holly kingdoms of course

Laughing giddy headed

Standing heels over heads

And heads over toes

Alongside the King's queens

Who began to jabber

About pride, prejudices, crowns and flaws

Small, big or negligible

Conspicuous to eyes of only flies

As tiny as those sitting on bulbous noses

Of their fastidious Kings

Like maidens tittle-tattle

Talking gibberish they

Funny rumours of farmers and their cows

Chewing cud or moving to greener pastures

 

Retorted King Todd to Dear King Henry

"Your crown on the other hand

Balances perfectly light

Conscience as well gravity

Right in the centre of your barmy head

But I guess a little fly

Hovering nearby

Now sitting upon it awkwardly 

Disrupting perfect balance and equilibrium

That weighs the crown by gravity

Would indeed tell it all

Tall tales and truth from lies

'Twould hit the needle of your weighing scales

Inappropriately

Just do me thinks…..

A conscience from light turns too heavy as a barbell"

And laughed he swatting two flies upon his cheek

A penny from a farthing……

Would the difference be!

Like a squeaky rat, squealing limpkin

And a laughing hyena

Just like two dear Supreme Kings

Of limericks and jokes

Guffawed loudly 

With further bantering, chides

Holding sceptre and orbs

Began their next conversation of course

 

Said King Henry much like an old grouse bird

Finicking about the creases in his shirt

"I fear the cloth hasn't been ironed 

By Ironer to perfection

Like a stalk of flower and petals that wilt away

Your age Dear King Todd

Never ceases to decline

Only doddering, dwindling and decreasing

Your sense and sensibility

With age forever increasing steadily

God Blimey!

Like an old dithering fool

Of a Pendulum clock

Vacillate to and fro

Wrinkles on that strange furrow of your brow

Freckles so many upon your chin and nose

Like a fragile porcelain china cup

Pray tell me Lord Todd

Should you use vanishing creams?"

 

King Todd now replied angrily in vain

For he was a real stickler for time

Hated to be deemed late

Or called an old galloping

 Gallivanting horse

Chortled he in delight to King Henry

"Early to bed and early to rise

Makes a king healthy, hearty and wise

Better early birds to catch worms

 Before you age to crisp 58

Still being green horn at 23

Remember when we were such tender young saplings

It doesn't seem to matter much now

For age like numbers

Is just a jolly quotient 

Of a divider

A perk for every cribber

Better late than never!"

 

Whilst Queens looked to preen into their vanity mirror

Fully carved in gold and precious gems

Decked finicky queens in jewels full of

Sapphires, rubies and emeralds galore

Like a heavy laden branch hung they like chandeliers

A diamond drop earring

And a necklace full of moon pearls

Sometimes even as huge as rock stones decorated

 Upon their necks and ears

Their strange buttons and chamberlains

Wearing roses and dandelions

On their boutonnieres

Presented to them in their bows and ribbons

For pretty Queens to titivate their fastidious kings and dress up

In their chi-chi, dear vanity mirrors

Buttons and chamberlains trundled along

Such vast arrays of their invaluable treasures

In special trolley wheels on wheels of course

Hoping queens always looked younger for their cherry

Rubicund Kings

As a showcase of antique marionette dolls

 

Said King Todd to King Henry

From moody and petulant

To happy and rejoicing

"Modern Doctors pinpoint

Age is like a yo-yo ball

Or a dice

Yo-yo balls… as you fling high

Or anywhere beyond sky

It just reverts back with a bounce

Neatly in the cup of your palm

Just like when dice you roll

One to six

Till hundredth square of board dice games

Snakes and Ladders or Ludo

One you climb and never grow old

Just be rattled by a den of wispy snake tongues

Or one you reach to the finish score

Just keeps getting younger

Age and numbers

Games for the young at heart!

Racing four tokens against time and tide

From start to finish as per rolls of a single dice

Alas! Time waits for no man….even Ludo King!"

 

"What a steal "Ageless wonder of wonders"

You face as flawless without a crinkle or crease

My strange doctor magic invented

Lines and curves that vanish

As you turn grey and wiser

You mentioned

Vanishing Cream

Not varnishing with age

Or ripening like wine

Ole Wine in New Bottles

My Dear old King Henry

So do we vanish our wrinkle lines

Forever varnished young at heart 'joy de verve'"

 

King Henry now possessed one cat

One dog and one Alexandrine green parakeet

Did he comment to King Todd

"My friends cherish me forever

One barks, one mews and one repeats

My name by heart

What more could a King desire

Whilst you crocodile tears

Spots that never change

Water off ducks backs

Monkey that gibbers and chatters

A bundle of lies and rumours

Or a Donkey King

That's old as a stubborn mule!"

For King Todd possessed a crocodile, leopard

Duck, monkey and donkey his favourite pets

Replied in good time the funny King Todd

"I suppose they all like me

Wild, hilarious and rowdy

Whilst you see yourself on the other hand

Like those ones that were born only to bark, mew

Maybe learn a few lines of poetry by heart

In vain like pedigree domesticated animals and birds

Whilst I buck skin thick as hide and leather

Like a thorough Junglee

Our queens now who would you prefer?

Passive or active, poker faced, phlegmatic

Or lively, wild and dynamic

Instead of tame--- brute and radically radish

 

Each Queen supporting and sidling up to their kings proudly retorted

Queen Irene 

"I'd love to tame my pet King Henry

In doing absurd tricks

And fetching dog bones

Which he'd contently do

Fetching me bones as big as gold bar bells

Would also beat Dinosaurs through beyond stone ages

He be my pet dog

Purring kitten or Alexandria the great Parrot Munch king

Putting on him a leash

I'd give the purring cat a bowl

Of milk, full of cream

Whilst put him in a gilded cage

With prison bar barricades

No other could have him

For I'd shorn his feathers every three weeks

Good Gracious me

Now wouldn't you be my pesky little darling

One tamed King Henry

All of eternity!"

 

Whilst said Queen Theresa to King Todd

"I'd love a wild beast of a King

Changing his shapes and colours in moonlight

Oh how romantical!

Like chameleons and werewolves do

A crocodile with jaws that snap

Dear me
 I'd have to feed boneless veal

To see such terrifying fangs O' dear

Or a Donkey so stubborn

I'd sit upon without ever going downhill

All days staring at a beautiful valley

Right down my precipices so steep

Like a monkey for he'd jibber jabber

All day along

Mimicking my clever antics

Like a duck and leopard

Water and spots

Collecting them would be my favourite hobby

Water rides and sporty cars

Well he possesses all too many"

Now waving her hand as if showing off

A priceless key only she possessed to his heart

Like chafing grain from minnow

Dry scaly bracts, glumes and husk

The rest of her jolly bystanders

And fanning herself vigorously with a fan

She went on further…….

"Like jaguars, limousines, jets and hovercrafts

Though dear King Todd wild he may be

But gives me so many pleasures indeed

Like his jangling penny strings

A whole loot of them

The marquess and her puppet King on a string!"

 

This ended their strange confabulation

Declaration of pure love

For each their funny kings

In their two kingdoms

Jolly and Holly

By Golly!

Putting on each their curly golden heads

Holly wreaths and offering them

Plates filled with jellies, custards

Fruits and cherries

Far beyond hills and mountains

Echoed and reverberated two kingdoms

A truce to sound of Music

Enchantingly shrill

Forever and ever!