Lost

What if I were Alice?

What would I see?

When I took the plunge down the rabbit hole

I was expecting it to be darker

Pitch black and hollow

But it isn’t all dark, is it?

There’s a light somewhere

Dim, mysterious, alluring

Soothing, yet unsettling

Beckoning me, seducing me

Predictably ensnared I follow

Reaching out for the glowing orb

It’s devious grin waxing and waning

Pulling me along

Another curious cat led to doom by the Cheshire that started it all

Suddenly there’s a flood of light

Making me wince

Lowering the hand I’d raised to shield my eyes from the glare

I get accustomed to the bright scene ahead of me

It was so familiar

The room I once called mine

A childhood secret shelved in every nook and cranny

A room that had witnessed it all

Looked upon me as I grew up

But itself remained the same

Walls that had heard all the whispers, all the cries

Promises broken, hopes shattered

All safely locked inside the books that had assuaged the pain

Sunshine flooded through the windows

Illuminating a cozy mess on the bed

An endearing mess comprising my once favourite things

Things that had once carried the entire weight of my being

But that now seemed so much smaller and lighter somehow

Petty little things

It seems like a happy picture

It should make me smile

But something was off

It was like a forgotten ghost from the past rather than a vivid childhood memory

As I scan the room, I see a long mirror tucked away in the corner

Walking closer I see myself approaching

But again, there was something wrong with the reflection

It wasn’t me now

It was me then

Small, skinny, pigtails, bright eyes

And a huge smile

That was what was so wrong

Why was I smiling so wide?

I don’t remember ever having that big of a smile

Was I remembering wrong?

It was infuriating me

I reach out and pluck the smile from little me’s face

Slapping it on my own adult one

It doesn’t fit anymore

However much I stretch or pull

It’s out of place on my already woe congested face

I wish I could shrink myself

Get rid of the weary lines and make the smile fit again

And of course, as allusion would have it, looking around I find a small box labeled “Eat me”

Closing my eyes, I empty the contents of the box into my eager mouth

Lo and behold, I start to shrink

I open my eyes to see that the reflection has changed

The little girl is all grown up

I see me

But the smile is now flipped over

A frown that should’ve been too big for my face, fitting perfectly

Accessorized by matching soulless eyes no less

It was revolting

The girl in the mirror had grown up

But why did I feel so small inside?

I couldn’t stand to keep staring at it

Horrified by how accurate the image was

I had to look away

My gaze falls on the orb again

Enticing me into another treacherous alleyway

Foolishly I follow along

Thoroughly disturbed by what I had just seen

Dreading what was coming next

Walking through a long narrow corridor

I hear soft indistinguishable whispers

The light was getting dimmer

Casting long menacing shadows on the jagged walls

As I adjust to the diminishing light

Looking closer I begin to recognize the shadows

And my heart stops

I thought I had left them behind

But here they were

Out to get me

Black gnarly fingers clawing out at me

The whispers were getting louder

Spitting out guttural cries

“How could you do this to us?”

“You left us behind to rot”

I cover my ears to block them out

“We were there for you”

“We wanted to go with you”

“Why did you punish us like this?”

What was this feeling?

Remorse? Regret? Shame?

The shadows were chasing me now

But I had to run away

I had to run as fast as I could

My legs burning, my lungs screaming along with me

I had been running from them all my life

My entire life, I had thought that they were the monsters that had given me my demons

Made me who I am

But had it been the other way round?

Did I create them?

NO!

They did this

It was them

How could I ever forgive what they did to me

They had hacked at my soul

Each one claiming a piece

Maiming and marring

Ravaging and burning

Till all that was left was this miserable piteous charred lump

They ruined me

Or did they?

They were catching up

I had to run away

It was as if they were hurling my lifelong hatred for them back towards me

Running with all my might

Trying to dodge the blows

I misstep

And am lurched headfirst into an endless black abyss

I am falling

And as I fall I see flashes

I see faces and places

Hear voices once known

I see smiles and sniggers

Affections once dear

I hear songs and laughter

Echoes lost and gone

Remember stories and moments

Of times left behind

Memories that I had discarded

Feelings that I had abandoned

Emotions that I had tucked away so deep

Even I didn’t know how to find them again

They were all resurfacing again to taunt me

To haunt me

Why was this happening to me now?

It was agonizing

I was past all this

I was out

I hadn’t come this far, only to be heaved back again

I hadn’t gasped my way to shore to be dragged into the ocean again

I couldn’t take it anymore

Would this fall ever end?

And as if my prayer is answered

I immediately hit the ground

A little knocked out but relieved beyond belief

I scramble up and steady myself almost tripping on something

Reaching down I pick up a small vial in front of me

“Drink me”

Against all reason, I obediently comply

Wishing immediately that I hadn’t

For the mirror reappears

My heart pounding, I look at the reflection

At first glance, it’s me

Just as I am

Same clothes, same face, same hair, same eyes, same nose

But wait

There it was

The vicious trick

The grotesque mockery

It was like a cruel game of spot the differences

I looked happy

The smile now seemed to magically fit on my face

I desperately ran my fingers across my own face to see if I was indeed smiling

I wasn’t

I longingly reached out to touch the smile in the mirror

But I couldn’t

It was beyond reach

She was beyond reach

She was at peace

What if I were me?

Is this who I would be?

As I took the plunge down the rabbit hole

But this wasn’t me

Who was I?

Who am I?

I’d had enough

This sick nightmare had to end

With an almighty effort

With everything left in me

I punch the mirror

And it shatters

Into smithereens

That haunting smile reflected in a million little pieces

As the picture dissolves

I am engulfed by a new sensation

Something familiar

I am drowning in the cool comfort of a vast hollow nothing

With a final exultant grin, the orb extinguishes

As I sink deeper and deeper

Into the plain dark empty

And float away into oblivion

Lost