It Is you I Miss

As I stood there frigid, staring vaguely at distant sky,

distraught and desolate, unable to cry 

as the flames leapt menacingly in the void air above,

I watched helpless, as they devoured my first love

I must have been less than a year mother,

when I must have fumbled from one word to another

yet you must have smiled and patiently repeated,

till I said it right, all my fears defeated

And wasn't I just a little over five,

when I clung to your sari and followed you around

and at the sight of any stranger arrive,

I would hide in its folds without a sound

And a couple of years from then,

as I ran to you after school, all covered with dirt

you would remind me the rules again,

then just smile and ask me to change my shirt

And as you checked my tiffin and frowned,

don't you remember how I laughed and dashed away

after long search, when hidden and asleep I was found,

I was awake mother, as you carried me to bed, and beside me you lay

I was awake mother, as you lightly kissed me on my forehead,

as you gently whispered into my ear

I did not hear what you exactly said,

but I felt you wrap around your arm and draw me near

I shared all my secrets with you, even as older I grew,

but wasn't it around thirteen that things became a little different

for now there were things new, things that more than you, I knew,

was it then we distanced more and more? Mother, it wasn't by intent

But now I wasn't a small kid anymore,

not that obedient as i used to be

it wasn't that I did not adore you as before,

just that it wasn't as before, things on which we both could agree

And as you could not help me with my homework,

nor choose which clothes I should wear

and when you hugged me, my friends would smirk.

so you would just smile.

why dint I feel your despair?

And as I surrounded myself with friends of my age,

mother I didn't realize that sometimes you felt out of place

the pain you felt I could not gauge,

for all those years you bore it with such grace

And then came college, and I left you,

and so engrossed was I in my own life

unaware of the mistakes I could never undo,

I was sorting out my own strife

Then came the final parting, my wedding, had time slipped so fast,

despite your frantic worrying, I looked like an elegant bride

my childhood memories glided past,

was it then that i saw at last,

I had to act strong, so I wiped my tears,

but yours mother, you could not hide

Promises I had made many that day,

so many vows, that maybe I forgot the one to you

that even when I was living far away,

I would stay in touch, remind you of your pills..red, purple, blue

So I got busy, and I assumed you were too,

you seemed fine on the phone, and when we met rarely

I didn't know you worried all day through,

that it hurt you, that we now spoke barely

So it was a blot of thunder, something out of the blue,

my files slipped off my hand, I grabbed onto the nearest support

and before the voice on the other end finished, I knew, I knew,

what my heart did not want to believe, my mind knew to be true

I cursed myself, Iwished it was all a lie,

for when i finally saw you mother, were you in disguise?

these sparrow feet circling your eyes, were they always there?

and these wrinkles mapping your face, all from where?

Why dint you tell me mother, over and over again,

why dint you try and rescue me, pull me out of my vain

while I was so busy with my own work, day and night,

I failed to even ensure that you took your medicines right

I know I am late, and time is such a cruel monster,

unforgiving, so deceiving, Iwas not warned of such disaster

I wish I could somehow rewind it though, back to happier times,

when I would repeat after you, those funny rhymes

And when you threw me up in the air, for a moment I was so scared,

but then I laughed loud mother, as to catch me you were prepared

I am falling again mother, into an unknown and dark, bottomless abyss,

staring blankly with tearful eyes, it is you I miss

It is you I miss