How I Lost My Fear

"If you wish to get over the fear of heartbreak, let it break again!" This is what my best friend, Sameera told me, Susan, when we met at a coffee shop to discuss our latest relationships. She said so because, I had entered into a relationship with someone, had enjoyed the time spent with him, and had behaved repulsively toward him later, to make him hate me. However, I did not regret it one bit. We were both narrating to each other our relationship stories. I started mine. I had suffered heartbreak some time ago. It had happened one year ago. We had been together for one whole year. Only after that, I had agreed to sleep with him.

I had invested a lot both emotionally and in terms of time, in our relationship. However, he had chosen to break away from me, after sleeping with me. Was he no longer interested in continuing the relationship? Was he done with me, now that he had slept with me and fulfilled all his dreams? He had forgotten me after that one night, in which I had given my all to him, knowingly, thinking that it would lead to something positive. It would lead to bliss. Both of us had enjoyed the moment when our bodies met and promised each other that we would never separate. However, he had other ideas.

The next day after we slept together, he received a letter from the USA. He had secured admission to Yale University in their MBA course. He would be gone for three years. Two years for the course and one year to pay back the loan that he will have to take to study at Yale. His parents planned it all for him. Only, I did not know anything about it. Neither did he feel the need to tell me. In fact, even after the letter came, he did not feel it fit to discuss the matter with me. For him, that night was just like any other night.

It had come and gone, taking with it my virginity and my trust on men. He had discarded me from his life, as a corporate company discards an employee who does not work as per their expectations. He had broken my heart on phone. After receiving the letter from Yale, he just Whatsapped me that he was going to USA and that I was to go to see him off at the airport. That was it. He did not say anything to me, whether I should wait for him or I should find someone else.

In fact, I thought that he had not even understood that I wanted to commit to him. I was under the impression that after that night, he would come to me with a ring in hand and ask for my hand in marriage. However, I received his Whatsapp message instead. The message told me that he was going to America to study further and I was to see him off at the airport. The date and time of the flight were 14th February 2016, 12 am. The flight details were also included in the message. Therefore, I presumed that the tickets must have come already. Which in turn means that he will not change his program now?

This left me to fend for myself. More than fulfilled, it left me broken. It left me heartbroken. I had been the submissive person in our relationship that night. He wanted to sleep with me and I accepted unconditionally, trusting him. However, he had broken my trust. He had shown that he was not worth being trusted. He was a man after all. I started fearing getting close to men, after that incident. I began pushing away whoever came close to me. This had happened because I had trusted a friend. He had taken advantage of my feelings and me. I was discarded after his 'fun' was over.

It had left such a deep scar on my mind that I was afraid to be intimate again. My heartbreak and betrayal had taught me to become selfish. It prevented me from letting my guard down in front of strangers. This is because your heart can play tricks on you. It also taught me to beware of what a man says versus what he does. My friends complained that I did not talk to them. I had become too self-involved. My mother would say, "How will anyone get to know you if you don't allow them to come close to you? Don't keep people at arm's length."

My heart-break was aggravated by the loss of my job. This happened exactly one month after my ex boyfriend, Raunaq, had left for USA. I was having a hard time consoling myself. I was crying like a small child, on that day, sitting in an isolated location at a beach. This was when I came across a handsome young man, who was also alone, like me. He also had come to the beach. His name was Mahesh. I decided to go and talk to him. I decided to try out something new. As it is, I was skeptical of online dating.

In addition, my mother kept on saying that if I did not allow anyone to come close to me, how will anyone know me. He had the word impulsive written all over him. He was a normal man, but with impeccable mannerisms. He had a voice I loved and was enthusiastic about new things and new people. He was an aspiring scientist with an impressive resume. All this I gauged after I started to talk to him. He had come to the beach, after attending a job interview. He had appeared for an interview for a research job in Wilson College at Chaupati.

The authorities at the college had told him that they would let him know if he was selected, by next week. He had come there to complete his evening. His French was immaculate. He had done an MS in France and had come to India to work. His French exposure was evident in the way he talked and behaved. Even his choice of music and TV shows was intelligent. And, he wanted to own a start-up. I felt intimidated by him. On our first date, he drank 3-4 glasses of water. But, as days went by, it was exhilarating to be around him, as he opened up.

I began to enjoy everything he said. I could see Diwali lights in his laughter. I would wake up with his "good mornings" texts and more all through the day and night. It was what I had wanted for so long. Yet, the moment he would try to come close, I would shut him off. I would not reciprocate when he would say something romantic or flirty. He would try to hold my hand, but I would take it away hurriedly. I always avoided talking about myself, whenever I was with him. This is not to say, I was not attracted to him.

But, there was something in my head that would go off like a fire alarm the moment he tried to come closer. I would start feeling that he had an ulterior motive. Like scores of other guys, he just wants to get laid, although he was not doing anything that suggested that. But, the pangs of fear had risen and it began to work, making me go all crazy and insecure. Then I began to have doubts. I began to ask myself, "What if all this was a farce?" "What if there is an ulterior motive behind these gestures?" "We met at a beach and then got to know each other.

But, I had also met my first boy-friend somewhere and I had got to know him likewise. However, he had dumped me. What if, once he is done, he abandons me, just like it happened before?" I remember that night, when all these fears were lurking within me. But, I subdued all of them. Even though I told myself that I was setting up for heartbreak again, I did not choose to run away. And after that moment, I let go. Thank God, I did that. And he understood what I wanted! He was careful and gentle and gave me my own sweet time to express what I had begun feeling for him.

I did not know when a man made me felt so comfortable and secure. And, how many guys ask for consent? Well, he did! Enclosed in that space, he looked right at me and when his lips touched mine, I felt complete freedom, a freedom I had not felt in my first relationship. Just one moment and I was free. I was in the present. Too bad, my fears won, ultimately. No matter how much I tried reasoning with them, arguing, they would not budge. And, then it all went to dust. In an insecure moment, I asked him blatantly if he intended to dump me.

I asked him, if he met me to fulfill his fantasies. I regretted it immediately after putting this question to him. Today, I can say in retrospect, that I pushed someone away. Not everyone wants to hurt you and abandon you. The emotional baggage and the trauma I carried created its effect. In addition, I tried hard to blame my heart breaker for it. However, I could not. It was then that it hit me. No longer did I want an apology or a payback from that person. I did not care anymore. Its crazy how it happened.

But, it transpired in a month. All the suffering of my first relationship left me, like a demon leaving a body it had possessed for so long. I understood how I had let the poison engulf me when I still had a lot of hope and love to people who loved and cared for me. It was harming me, hurting people who cared for me. Nobody else would suffer from what one screwed up soul did to me, not even me! As I remember those moments spent with him, all I can think of is how grateful I am to have allowed, if only, a few moments of pure joy, with someone who was not a known soul. Though it did not last, I gained a friend and LOST MY FEAR.