Miserable Autumn

Dear diary,

Your friend Sheena is back again. You know I am very sad for a few days. Do you know why? Because monsoon is about to end and autumn follows it. This season makes me remember my heartbreaking past. Every year this season is the worst for me. Whenever I step out during autumn, I see trees with falling leaves. Trees lose their green cover and look deserted. My life has been just like those trees. Completely barren and tasteless. Deserted and depressing. Two years ago, I was dumped by my lover. He had to move abroad for his studies and he had no courage to be in a long-distance relationship. I convinced him many times that long-distance relationships can also work but he had already decided to leave me. Coincidentally, the season back then was also autumn.

The season relates so closely to my life. Sometimes, I feel why autumn falls every year, and other times I feel why it ends. I never feel like stepping out during this season because seeing the environment reminds me of my lonely and desolate

life. Trees lose their greenery which was destined to make them look beautiful. Similarly, I felt happy when I was with him. But he left me and now I don’t look happy as I used to be before. We decided to marry each other but destiny had already planned to make my life miserable and unworthy of living.

Whenever I see a falling leaf or flower, I remember the day he left my hand and walked on his own way without looking back even once. The leaves also leave the tree. However, the leaves die after getting detached from the branches but the tree survives. The same is the situation with me. I am like that fallen leaf who is dying every day and he is the tree who has never tried to contact me or asked me if I am okay. He walked out of my life and moved on very easily but I am still stuck with his memories and dreams. I still dream about marrying him. His thoughts have never left me alone and the autumn makes it even harder to forget him. You know, being alive feels like a crime to me now.

I get so many weird thoughts that it is so embarrassing to share with anyone. There is no one with whom I can share what I am feeling for two years. He has enchanted my mind and heart in such a way that I don’t think I will ever be able to get over him. Autumn, why do you have to fall every year?