I am not gonna make it alone

It all started when I freshly joined ‘TheHappyHouse’ as an apprentice. I was allotted a personal desk with a desktop to work on. My senior had close contact with HR. He was the best employee at the firm. He laid his hands and opinion in every critical decision the company had to go through. I must also admit that he was the most handsome man I had ever seen.

As it was my first day, HR introduced me to all my colleagues, including Rahul Vaid. He extended his hand for a formal handshake. Goddamn, his skin is so warm, soothing, and soft. I didn’t want to release his hand. Then HR continued with her work, and Rahul explained the work to me. My responsibility was keeping all the company’s production and sales records. Sometimes I had to deal with our clients too. But my guide always had my back whenever I needed him.

I loved my job, and the best part about my job was Rahul. He didn’t interact with me much apart from when I needed his help. Though sometimes, he joined me during lunch or for snacks, and that time also he couldn’t stop but talk about work. I wanted to know him personally, but he never gave me a chance. He never got bored talking about his work and asking about mine, motivating me in the process.

I had started developing an intimate interest in him because of his charming personality. I started to excuse myself to speak to him more often. He didn’t suspect anything, which let me expand my wings further. Somehow from his friends there, I got his phone number as he never shared it with me, even after several requests. I also found his address; in case I need to see him. Attraction makes you do all the stupid things in your professional life.

I somehow pretended to contain my emotions. I had started developing a soft corner for him somewhere in my heart.

*

It was his birthday, and everyone was busy decorating the office. They wanted to surprise him when he came. Thankfully, I knew about it earlier, so I got time to purchase a gift for him that would be special to him. The day before, I ran up to a gift shop, and after almost an hour of deciding and undeciding, I finally agreed on a lucky charm that he could keep on the bedside table. It was a small wreath made out of sacred twigs. I wrapped it and stuck an origami heart I made myself on top. I wrote his name on one half of the heart, and on the other side, I left a blank space. I was too shy to write my name on the heart. Also, I feared it might ruin my plans to be with him.

When everyone was busy with the decorations, I secretly kept the gift inside his cabin, where only he could find it. Everyone covered him from all sides when he came, and the celebration began. After the celebrations, he was shocked when he entered the cabin and found out about the gift, as there was no sender’s name. But he kept his shock and moved to work.

The next day was Sunday, and I was in no mood to stay alone. Also, it was getting harder for me to contain my feelings. I took my car keys and drove to his place without thinking twice and how it would turn out. I saw him in the front yard. He didn’t notice my car, so I drove past his house and parked further. I came back on foot to his house, and he was still there, sitting outside his house enjoying the sunshine. I ran to him, and the next minute I was kneeling in front of him, proposing to him. He was taken aback by my act but kept his composure calm. He took me by my shoulder and made me stand.

“I have noticed for quite a while that you find lame excuses to talk to me. And yesterday’s gift made my doubts clear. But we are no match. I am your senior, and we have no future together. Since you joined, I have been trying hard to keep my feelings for you in check. That’s why I don’t interact with you unnecessarily.” He tried to convince me, but I was in no mood to be convinced. At least he also shares the same feeling as me.

At that moment, I decided I’ll make him mine today, or today would be my end. When I fired that I could not live without him and that if he didn’t take me, I’d take my life, he finally accepted as I left him with no choice. He planted a kiss on my forehead. He was happy, but his expression was still tense. “We will work out everything together. I will always be by your side, and trust me, no one at work will ever find out about us”. My words eased some of his tension, and I spent the whole day at his house, in the arms of the most handsome man on earth.

*

It was our first date, and Rahul had made all the possible attempts to make it special, from booking the whole restaurant to decorating it with my favorite flowers and a candlelit dinner. Everything was perfect. The evening was magical. My love was with me and loved me with the same intensity I loved him. But the evening had some other plans for us. A terrible plan. A life-changing plan. He dropped me at my house. Before moving to his house, Rahul held my hand and looked me in the eyes. “Your eyes are like sparkles, and your lips are so tempting that I want to kiss…”. I didn’t let him finish and locked his mouth with mine. I could feel his warm breath. I wanted to soak into it and get drenched by the heat between us. It was our first kiss, and neither of us knew that it would be our last. He held me by my waist and kept kissing me passionately. We didn’t stop until a police car honked and interrupted our intimacy. I don’t know how long we had been kissing on the street. I was lost in his soul-touching breath.

Unfortunately, he now had to leave. I had just turned my doorknob when I heard a loud crash from afar. I ran to find that Rahul’s car got hit by a lorry and his head was severely injured. The street was desolate, and no one was there to help him. Sobbing through the tears, I called an ambulance, and immediately he was admitted to the hospital. By the time we arrived, he had lost too much blood, and doctors had to operate after examining him. He was unconscious.

Two hours had already passed. The red light outside the operation theatre was still on. I was still praying for his life. Another hour and a half had passed when the red light finally stopped glowing, and doctors came out of the operation theatre. From their face, I could tell the news inside was not good. With sorrow in their voice, they informed me that Rahul couldn’t be saved. He had lost plenty of blood and had a serious brain injury that led to his death. “We are sorry for your loss.” They said and left.

It took me minutes to contemplate their words. It was next to impossible to digest. The person I loved was with me moments ago; now, he is gone forever. Tears came rolling down my cheeks. I broke down at the exact spot I was standing. My legs felt paralyzed by the weight of the loss I had just got. The overwhelming pain and grief added to the misery. My first date, first kiss, and first love all have become last in a few hours. The burden of losing a loved one is too difficult to bear. If the person is your lover, it makes the situation even worse. We all feel insecure about losing our partners, but witnessing their death in front of your eyes is comparable to a nightmare.

I found out his parents’ whereabouts from my colleagues and informed everyone about his death. His parents caught the next flight from Mumbai to Delhi. Until then, his body was at the hospital with me sitting beside it. It is so disgraceful that as soon as the person dies, we replace their name with it. My office friends arrived soon after they got the news. Seeing me sitting beside the body and crying uncontrollably made their hearts cry. They tried consoling me. But how can I stop crying? I lost my love. They tried their best to make me stop crying. And they succeeded, or I gave up, I don’t know, but I stopped crying. Knowing that everyone was there somehow lifted my pain a little. I was still sobbing dryly, though.

Rahul’s parents hurriedly arrived and broke down, seeing their son frozen on the hospital floor. Everyone made an effort to calm them down. Finally, we lifted the body and started with the ritual arrangements. Soon we were at the funeral spot. His parents gave the fire to their son with heavy hearts. I was helpless. I could see my life burning with the wooden logs but couldn’t do anything. I was crying dry tears. I could not bear the sight of him burning, so I went to a distance from where the burning dead body was not visible to me.

*

A few days had passed since the funeral. Rahul’s parents had left. Everyone was back to their regular normal life but me. I had become lifeless. I quit the job. I locked myself up all day at my house. I barely ate anything. I rarely spoke to anyone. I didn’t pick up my parents’ calls many times. Everyone was worried about my condition. My office friends visited me often, and I would put a fake smile on my face to ensure I don’t disappoint them. The pain kept growing as the days changed. I longed more for him. The suffering started to become unbearable with each passing day.

I was often awakened in the middle of the night by nightmares of the horrible accident scene. I also stayed awake through the night sometimes. I sat on my balcony, gazed at the sky, and wondered, why me? Why this misery has to happen to me? I should also have died with him. Who is he to leave me alone in this world? How dare he died? My thoughts ran at a leopard pace. There were even times when I didn’t feel a thing. My mind became completely blank during those times, and I went numb. But when the grief returned, I couldn’t do anything to help my situation.

Eventually, I decided on the worst decision anyone would ever make. I decided to take my own life. I was not able to bear the pain anymore. My horrible thoughts and ever-worsening suffering led me to this decision. I am standing on the roof of my apartment above 22 floors. I can feel the breeze calling me to lose myself to it. I see the busy cars on the street. The birds are flying in groups. But above all, I felt the desperate need to jump off the roof and end everything.

“I know Rahul, you loved me. I love you too. And that is why I am coming to you today. I know you will not like this but I can’t live without you. I just wanna say that I am not gonna make it alone.” I murmured to myself. The cold breeze was still hitting my face. I closed my eyes and envisioned our first date. I could recall every minute of the evening, including how pathetic he looked when injured. I cringed at that memory and abruptly opened my eyes. I spread my hands on either side and titled my head upwards. “I love you, Rahul. I will love you forever and we will always be together even after death”, I screamed.

I suspended one leg in the air and then the other.