Prompt 12: The Fault in our Gender

I felt elated as soon as I received the email.

"Congratulations. You have cleared AFCAT."

The coveted Air Force exam- I had managed to crack it. Now, the infamous five-day interview awaited: The Service Selection Board (SSB). It was going to be my first time so I spent all my researching- the tests that take place, what they are looking for, how to answer certain questions, etc. I hope I clear it.

To be honest, I’m not that patriotic but the salary and the perks are incredible especially for a fresh graduate like me. Also, my ex-boyfriend’s father is in the Air Force and he’s told me that it’s a comparatively relaxed and secure life. That was the moment I decided- I will get in the forces either by becoming an officer myself or by marrying one. I will transcend to an upper middle-class life no matter what. Determined, I continued my preparation.

Varanasi was the centre I had selected. On the day of reporting, there was a throng of eager and hopeful girls. I was one of them. Before the tests began, we were given a chest number. Mine was 4.

After the screening-in- which consisted of written tests and a group discussion, they announced the chest numbers of the girls who would be staying back for further evaluation. I braced myself.

2.

I closed my eyes.

4.

Relief washed over me and I smiled. Yes, I’ll be staying for five days!

After the screening, only a quarter of the girls who had showed up remained. They gave us new chest numbers and asked us to deposit our phones. My number was now 2.

Rooms were allotted and there were 8 girls in mine. The rooms had bunk beds and I took the leftmost one because it was the closest to the mirror. A girl with a boy-cut, 5, took the bed bove mine. Curious, I asked, “Why up?”

“Up is closer to the fan.” She winked.

I realized that there were no air conditioners. Damn. She’s right.

Once we had settled, all eight of us introduced ourselves. It was the first time for all of us. Some of the girls were daughters of officers and some had a sibling in the forces. Number 5 was like me, she had also heard about the life from a friend of hers and was inspired to join.

Soon, it was time for evening tea and we went to the mess. There was tea with cookies.

Number 5 asked me if I wanted to go for a stroll. I agreed and we started walking.

“Where are you from?” She asked.

“Delhi. And are you from Assam?” I guessed based on her cute Eastern Hindi accent.

She smiled and nodded.

“Any previous relationships?” She asked.

I told her about my ex-boyfriend. We had broken up because we were not compatible and also because he didn’t want to be an officer.

She raised her eyebrows. “You have decided this early what kind of a guy you want to get married to?”

I replied, “Yeah. If you’re not dating for marriage, you’re dating for heartbreak.”

She smiled. “You are the type of girl who knows what she wants. I’m impressed.”

I blushed. “What about your relationships?”

She sighed. “I’ve had two but, I can’t really talk about them now.” She looked into my eyes and said, “Sorry.”

That was the first time I properly looked at her. She had dark brown eyes and her boy-cut suited her. It made her look a bit masculine but, at the same time she looked pretty. She walked exactly like a man and had a bit of a cool dude vibe around her. That’s when I realized.

“Are you a lesbian?” I asked her surprised.

She stopped walking and her mouth dropped open. “Man! Well, not exactly. I’m bisexual. How did you guess? Oh my god!”

I looked at her shyly. “My sixth sense is usually right.”

She shook her head. “Some of my friends don’t even know. And you guessed it when you’ve known me for just a few hours. Hats off!”

I covered my face with my hands. “I’m sorry.” I was feeling so embarrassed.

“It’s okay. What do you have to be sorry about. Just, let it be our little secret.” She smiled.

I smiled back and nodded. 

Some of the other girls from our room joined us then and we chatted away about the tests.

After dinner, when it was time to sleep I felt really hot. Because of the bunk beds, the fan’s air wasn’t reaching me at all. I tossed and turned in my bed. Number 5 must have felt the bed moving because she looked down from the side of her bed and asked me, “Are you okay?”

“It’s hot.” I said sadly. There were no top beds free. Everyone had copied 5’s decision to be on the top.

She thought for a moment and then said, “If you’re okay, do you want to share this bed?”

I was stunned and felt a little shy.

But, why? I’ve slept with girls before. It’s no big deal. Even then, the thought of sharing a bed with her made me blush.

I couldn’t refuse because it was hot, so I agreed.

She shifted and made room for me. I slowly lay beside her, careful not to make any contact. She smelled really nice.

“Feeling fine now?” She asked.

I was definitely much better as the fan’s air was reaching me. “Yes. Thank you.” I replied.

She smiled and closed her eyes. Eventually, I fell asleep as well.

I opened my eyes and saw her face right in front me. We must have turned in our sleep. She was still asleep. I lay like that for sometime, studying her face. The more I looked at her, the more I started getting this warm feeling in my heart. It made me smile.

Wait.

What is happening to me?

I shook my head and went down to my bed to start freshening up and prepare for today’s test.

Today was the psychological test and we just had to write continuously for almost three hours. It was extremely stressful and I was just happy that the test was over now.

As we were walking back to our rooms, 5 came up to me and asked me how my test was. We chatted a bit and then joined the other girls for another gossip session.

In the evening, 5 asked everyone if they wanted to play pool. Everyone declined so I said, “Okay. But, you’ll have to teach me.”

We went to the Ante room where the pool table was kept.

“Pick up a stick and hit the white ball.” She explained the rules to me and showed me how to hold the stick.

I observed carefully and once I understood, I hit the white ball carefully and it managed to put an orange ball in the hole.

5 smiled. “Are you sure you’ve never played before?”

“Yes. You’re just a good teacher.” I replied cheekily.

She laughed. She played well but even I was able to score a few balls.

“You’re a sexy learner.” She said in a low voice.

 That made me feel something. Something I had felt before. Once I realized what it was, I blushed really hard and covered my face with my hands. She laughed.

“It’s so easy to make you go red.” 

Well, it’s not that easy as I’m usually pretty confident. But, it is easy for people I have a crush on.

Damn. How did this happen? I like boys! But, being around her gave me the same feeling of giddiness and butterflies in my stomach the way my other crushes on boys had.

Let me assess this more. I asked myself if I wanted to kiss her.

I looked at her as she was adjusting the pool stick.

Yes.

I shook my head. Shit. What is this? I’ve never felt like this for a girl! I was questioning my whole existence when I was interrupted.

“It’s your turn.”

I tried to act normally but my hands were shaking. Frustrated, I kept the stick down and went outside.

“Hey, what happened?” She asked after she had caught up to me.

I closed my eyes and started mustering up the courage. “I…”

“Do you miss your phone? Your parents? I know this interview can be a bit tough.” She reassured me.

I lost the courage. “Yes. I uh...miss my parents.”

She looked at me with concern and then hugged me. It felt so nice that I hoped it never ended.

“What are you guys doing?” One of the girls in our room asked as she was passing by.

“None of your business.” 5 replied and kept hugging me.

When I was again in 5’s bed, I asked her, “How did you know you liked girls as well?”

She smiled and then said, “I met a girl and then I fell in love with her. We dated for a while.”

My heart dropped. “Oh.” The familiar pang of jealousy. Crushes make me feel so many emotions.

“Why did you break up?” I asked her.

“She cheated. With a guy.” 

“Oh.” I replied sadly.

Relationships and their problems remain the same, whether it’s between a guy and a girl or two girls.

I woke up the next morning again finding myself face to face with her. And so, the days flew by. Sleeping together in the nights and being together all day after the tests. We talked about anything and everything and my feelings for her just grew stronger. I dreaded the final day of this interview because it would mean separation.

On the final night, she asked me, “Have you ever liked a girl?”

I knew we didn’t have much time left together so I nodded my head.

Surprised, she asked “Really? But, you’re straight right?” 

I looked in her eyes.

“Not anymore.” I whispered and leaned in to kiss her.

She kissed me back and it felt like fireworks going off in my head. We spent the night talking, kissing some more and laughing.

It was time for the final results to be announced. I closed my eyes.

5, 12, 26...

I looked up at 5 as she stood up and walked towards the stage. Everybody was clapping for the recommended candidates.

My heart felt heavy. I was not sad because I hadn’t been selected. I was sad because I probably won’t see 5 again.

The rest of us were dropped back to the reporting point. I said farewell to the other girls I had made friends with and went to the airport. I had to continuously wipe my tears with a handkerchief.

A couple of days after I had returned home a Whatsapp group of all the girls in my room was created by one of them. I saw 5’s number there as well.

I posted in the group, “5! When and where is your medical exam?”

Once I pressed send, I kept checking my phone every 10 seconds to see if she had replied.

She replied three hours later. “Delhi! On 20th! We’ll have a little reunion.” Two more girls lived in Delhi as well.

I saw that she had sent me a personal text as well. “Looking forward to meeting you in three weeks.”

I replied “Me too.”

20th arrived and all four of us met in a mall in the evening. My heart fluttered when I saw 5. She looked as pretty as ever.

We exchanged ‘how have you been, what’s up and future plans’. While walking, 5 held my hand. It seemed normal to everybody else but for me it was one of the happiest moments in a few weeks.

The other girls left early leaving only her and me. We had dinner together and I asked her how long she’ll be in Delhi. “A week more.” She replied.

“Do you want to stay at my house?” I offered.

She smiled and replied, “I thought you’d never ask.”

Everyday after she came back from the hospital, we went to various tourist places in Delhi. It felt like a little honeymoon and my parents thought she was my best friend. Even for my ex-boyfriend I had never felt feelings this deep.

A week went by in a flash and it was time for her to leave.

“I’ll miss you.” I said tearfully.

“I’ll miss you too.”

This time, we definitely didn’t know when we would meet next.

I tried to keep in touch with her but she was a bad texter and didn’t use her phone much. So, the distance between us started to grow. 

A month later, the merit list for the final selection of candidates to the Air Force came and it had her name in it. Wow. She is going to be an officer.

I called her. She didn’t pick up.

At around 12, she called. 

“Congratulations! Your life is set!” I exclaimed.

“Thanks.” She said. She didn’t sound happy at all.

“What happened?”

“2, I’m really sorry but, we can’t keep talking like this. You know that none of the armed forces allow LGBTQ to join. If anyone finds out about us, they’ll kick me out.”

As I processed what she had said, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I was left speechless. With a heart full of gloom, I cut the phone. As always, she’s right.

Six months later, as I was scrolling through Insta, I saw 5’s picture. It was of a guy with her pecking him on the cheek with the caption “My heart!”

I sighed, put my aside and continued searching for an officer on defencematrimony.com.