Who Am I?

“Why am I still living? Why didn't I wither away yet? What's my purpose in this world? I don't belong here.”, I wake up from these thoughts as my alarm rings. It's my first day of high school after winter vacation. I mourn and get out of bed. There's no uniform in my school hence I pick up a black hoodie matched with black jeans. I met my brother and father in the hall. They wave at me. My brother’s winter break is still going on as he is in college now. My brother says, “goodbye sis, have a nice day. And don't stay alone this semester, make some new buddies.” I just lie to him and say “yeah sure” while putting on a fake smile.

I am willow, well that's just for a name. It doesn't mean anything. I am currently suffering from depression and anxiety stage 3. My dad knows whenever I smile, it's mainly a fake smile but he doesn't usually say anything in front of my brother. He has confronted me once or twice to stop hiding my emotions but I feel that if I keep hiding my emotions then people will truly accept me and not bully me. Yea it's true I get bullied for being in depression and looking like an emo girl. If only none of this would have happened, then maybe I would be knowing my purpose in this world. 

If you're wondering what happened, well it's been 2 years now since my best friend and my cat both died. My best friend died due to an accident while my cat died because of ageing. Though I know her death is by a normal factor she meant a lot to me. I feel like I am empty without them, it's like my heart has broken into pieces that can never be joined again. I am just a walking vessel not knowing who I am or my purpose in this world. Do you know who am I or what my purpose is?

I go to school by car. My dad has hired a driver to drop and pick me up every day because he feels that I will be safe like that. My school doesn't practice the bus system because many students are bullied on the bus.

I walk inside the school and as soon as I walk in, the bullies surround and beat me up. I don't do anything because they are right. I don't belong here, no wait, I don't belong in this world at least not anymore. I reach the class late and the teachers scold me for not coming to class on time. The school ends with me in bruises (due to getting bullied) and being told to ask my father to come to school tomorrow. Before going to the car, I go to the washroom and put makeup on to hide my bruises. Then I go to the car, not caring at all if anything bad is going to happen to me or not. As I am fed up with this world, I feel like I want to close my eyes and sleep. 

I go to the car and soon reach home. My dad was waiting for me with my brother outside, they had a serious look on their face. I don't care if anything worse happens. I get out of the car and just stand there. My brother opens his mouth and says, “sis, dad told me everything that happened. We got a call from the school saying how you are bullied every day and when he enquired why you don't have any scars when you come home they told us that every day before going back you go to the washroom and put on some makeup to hide it away from us. Dad also told me that you suffer from depression and stage 3 anxiety. And that you always show a fake smile while talking to me. Before, I used to think something was wrong with you when the news of your best friend’s death came to us. But then I cleared it of your puberty. Now I feel like I was right all along, you had changed that moment.”

After my brother completed his long, boring and useless lecture, dad told me to sit down on the adjacent sofa, I just sat. He then continued by saying, “sweetie, you know me and your brother care for you. So why didn't you tell us the truth? You know you can share your feelings or anything with us. If not with me atleast share with your brother.”. I just listened to him. Dad stopped and looked at me then he said, “willow… just let it all out”. Thinking that it would help me finally find my purpose in this world or perhaps the reason why I am still alive.

I said, “It's easier for you to say cause you didn't lose anyone as I did. You would never feel what I am feeling. Why? Because your life is perfect, unlike mine. You said you care for me. Well, then where were you when munchkin died because of her age. Amaya supported me throughout that time while you just said that she was an animal. That I shouldn't be stuck on her death. Did you ever think about my and munchkin’s bond? No, you didn't. Now you say that you care for me. Amaya cared for me but yet she died. Yea, you did support me ONLY for 3 days though. Then you felt that I would soon be ok because she was just a friend to me. When she was my only friend. The only person with whom I could ever share something. Now when those teachers called, you thought of caring about me. I don't think you would have cared unless they would have called you. So don't think you can play those useless mind games of yours on me. Just admit that you don't care about me, that you see me as a burden, that you also think that I don't belong in this world. Even you know that I don't have any purpose in this world ”.

 They were shocked for a while. And the room was filled with intense silence. Then finally my father broke the silence by saying, “willow… I am so sorry that this happened to you. I was busy at work and your brother had to decide his stream so we neglected you. But this isn't continuing anymore, tomorrow we will go to your school so that I can file a complaint against those bullies. I didn't know you had gone so high in depression that you wanted to leave the world, that you couldn't find your purpose. Don't worry, I will arrange proper medications and therapy for you to bring you back to normal like you were before it happened.”

Dad kept with his words. The next day we went to school, and he filed a complaint on those bullies who were then suspended for 2 months but eventually left the school as their parents felt shameful. Dad also arranged therapy for me to get out of depression and we met with a psychiatrist who gave me medicines that I had to take every day. Because stage 3 anxiety cant is removed. My brother also gifted me a white cat. He knew he couldn't remove mine and munchkin’s bond but according to him, he could at least bring someone whom I can take care of and eventually develop the same bond.

3 months have passed after all of this took place, and now I have a friend in school, her name’s Amber. I don't have depression anymore and my anxiety is also stable. I also found out something which I never had hoped that I would be able to find, I found my purpose in this world. And it's to live on and chase my dreams because there are still people who care about me. I also don't feel broken anymore.

I finally learned that I AM WILLOW AND I AM MEANT TO LIVE A LIFE FREELY. AND THAT I MUST LIVE MY LIFE NOT JUST FOR MYSELF BUT ALSO FOR AMAYA AND MUNCHKIN.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Don't ever think of quitting your life because there's always someone in the world who cares for you. And you also get to live just once, so make full use of it.