Uncertain

Uncertain

10 mins
11.1K


 

It’s such a beautiful morning, I love how fresh and natural everything is here.  Mom, we should come here often, not just once a year or once in two years like this time. The sun coming in through the windows, sleeping in under the sky, no noise of vehicles and fresh air.

Although I miss my wife, that would have been a welcome improvement.

Okk, Okk I get it Jaya, you’re in a mood to reminisce. But stop twiddling about and get up. Contrary to your sunlight and winds there are a lot of chores to be done here as well. The tea is ready for your uncles and we have to get it to them at the shop.

So up and about dear.

Well leave it to mom to ruin the mood to reality. Well what to do, let’s get to it.

I wash my face and go down to the kitchen. That’s the fun of living in a four storied house you’re going up and down all day, makes up for all the exercise I slack on in our comfy homes in Delhi. I’m at my grandparents’ house for the summer after two long years. I’ve missed this place. We are here to stay with my grandparents, my father’s elder brothers and their families which means a lot of cousins and chacha , chichi’s along with my grandparents' family, which include their brothers' family which live next to our house with their families.

Come on let's go Jaya, we need to greet Choti Dadi on the way as well. She lives next door along with Manjali Dadi i.e my grandfather’s brothers and their families living next to each other like neighbors and a big family.

“Namaste Choti Dadi, how are you?” I said in a quick breath wrapped in a big smile.

"I’m fine beta. You have grown so much. So have you seen the new cow we bought?" Dadi replies business as usual.

"Ya I can see he is beautiful, a hybrid I guess."

"Yes we bought him last month."

Oh god, he is beautiful alright, standing so close I am as it is, between two cows and talking. I am a little shaken but they don’t seem worried so I guess it will be okk, I think to myself.

“Oh god its licking me, dadi it’s licking me”, I call out to dadi.

“Don’t worry beta it’s just familiarizing itself. You’re new to him”, dadi replied.

Oh okk. So I let it lick my hands a little, both hands. I bring them in front of my face towards the cow and they just lick. Ok I think it’s enough for now, all this slimy goo.

Hmmm… this one is still licking. Okk  let’s move back. Okk so it moves towards me. Not to worry.

What the fuck, it’s unhinged! The cow is following me now. Oh god stay calm. Let’s call Dadi, better yet let’s move towards her. Maybe then it won’t follow. “Dadi the cow is unhinged and it won’t stop licking me”, I try to hide the terror in my voice.

“No worries beta just move towards the shop, I’ll hold it here”, she replied in a calm and nurturing tone.

"Okk Dadi."

I move towards the shop to give my uncles tea and Dadi is holding the cow in place with his belt. Oh god that cow was a huge black might beast, could have easily crushed me. But cows are harmless creatures, I’m sure it just liked licking me.  Me being all exotic to it and all. I was consoling myself.

"Beta run!" what was that, dadi yelling? "Run beta run…" I turn around to see the cow charging towards me. Woo… what do I do. Oh god. It’s coming towards me, look at those horns; one big push and I’m out for the count. May be this is how it’ll end. Death at the horns of a charging cow. What do I do? What do I do? I looked around fanatically.

 Well call it good luck or thinking on my feet, I rushed to the room next to the shop and shut it behind me. There was a middle aged women on the khat talking on the phone. For some reason she wasn’t alarmed like this happens every afternoon like it a nuisance. May be it does. Maybe I’m over reacting, I was thinking to myself.

I shouldn’t have said that, the cow is charging at the door now. Slam slam…

I don’t know how long it’ll hold, a broad iron door with a big-ass latch, kind of mediaeval looking if you think about it. The lady is still not worried. God, she’s got nerves of steel.

I was wondering about her in my monotonous monologue when her phone caught my eyes. "Oh yes, auntie, auntie can you please call the animal control for the cow ramming into you room, if you haven’t noticed." I said almost apolitically.

Irony is the way to go isn’t it Jaya? Oh stop with the monologue already. Take the phone, I reprimanded myself.

Auntie, can u please dial the number? “Hello, I’m calling from Sakuch Sarai, can you please send animal control down here. We have a rouge cow”.

“Sure ma'am”, the operator replied and disconnected.

After an hour of on and off ramming the cow had stopped, I could hear mom calling me from the outside, "Come out Jaya. It's safe, we got the cow. Its owner is here as well, the one Dadi had bought it from. He’ll be tackling it out of the village."

Oh thank god, I came out running and hugged mom. God that was scary! 

"Why did it went all crazy on me like that Dadi?" I asked almost as if expecting a scientific reason behind it.

But Dadi just said, "Don’t know beta, May it ate or smelled something bad."

Let’s go home. 

We were home, I was sitting with chachii to prepare lunch, my part being discussing the menu. We were on the second floor, so the view was very unrestricted from here. We see a lot of dust and raucous coming from just outside the village, like a storm was brewing over there. In just a few seconds, a man comes running to the gate downstairs and starts calling out to chichi.

“Bhabhi, Bhabhi, the cow you had escaped it masters' grasp and is rampaging towards your house. It’s gone mad, it’s destroying everything in its wake, close the doors Bhabhi. Hide Jaya may be its coming for her." Oh god what kind of monstrosity is this. He was terrified out of his wits.

He was a thing, short, a little stubby looking man but the horror in his eyes gathered a quick response from chachi and mom.

Chachii quickly moved towards me and they took me to her room. It was a dim lit room with a big metal frame deluxe Godrej cupboard.  They told me to hide in it and closed it like I was some precious jewelry they were locking in a safe. But there wasn’t a lot of room for argument. So I got in.

They locked me in the Godrej, safe and sound, although I could hear everything of the outside. Soon after they left, I could hear the cow crying it's mooing sound outside the house and almost half the village gathered all around it. Hissing and hauling indistinctly.

Soon I heard my Uncle i.e. my father’s elder brother asking the cow’s owner for the cow’s weird behavior. He said, “Why is the cow behaving like this, Ramlal? It was stampeding before, now it’s screeching outside my home. What is wrong with him?”

And what I heard afterwards was just too absurd to believe in, Ramlal the cow owner said, "It’s reacting as the same way any other holy animal with his keen insight would Bhayia. That girl is not human, she is a dead skeleton and her lost soul is linked to this cow. You know I am not kidding, you know that this cow was used in my magic before I sold it for husbandry.  You’ve heard of my magic and the gift Lord Shiva has awarded me. You and everyone in this village knows I don’t say these things lightly."

There was a hissing silence when he spoke, no one said a word even after he finished. My uncle looked at my dad, by now I had come out of the Godrej and standing in the balcony. You know when someone says you’re a skeleton you come out and look at the spiteful fuck.

He was a weird looking guy, he had a big red turban covered in grey ash, a big stick in his hand and a lumpy cloth bag attached to it. He was old but had a very slender and muscular body like one of those yogi’s and bod black kajal all around his eyes and red tilak on his forehead. He stood there staring at me like I was some abomination.

The villagers soon started to whisper softly conferring with their neighbor’s I could feel their distrust and distant towards me. Soon one of them spoke up. Bhayia ji, you know we respect your family a lot. You are the former Sarpanch, but what Ramlal is saying is not to be taken lightly or should I say Baba Ramlal.

No Bhayia my father instantly lashed out. She is my daughter. I don’t believe in all this. Let’s go inside and call animal control.

Bada papa (my uncle) just stood there thinking. After a few seconds he approached my father and whispered something in his ear and then both of them tuned around and started staring at me with an ominous look in their eyes.

Oh god that looked scary, there is definitely something wrong I thought to myself. Before I could think of something else, I was in Bada Papa’s arms and he was carrying me down stairs. Mom comes running towards me but papa stops her and whispers something in her ear and she stops. Now I was really scared, I wanted to run, scream but for some reason I was unable to move, terrified but frozen, my mind coming down and just accepting my fate. They then take me to the big Ayurvedic hospital south of the village. It’s a big three stored white temple like structure with a golden dome on top and four pillars around it. It was constructed a few years ago and opened just last year. We take the elevator to the third floor to the big Shivling floor, it’s called that because there is a beautiful Shivling there, and we went there once every month.

The baba was sitting at distance from it in front of the hawan and the cow sitting silently behind him, before I realized anything else I felt a certain coldness about myself and took a look at my hands.

They have converted to bones, white calcium bones like a skeleton! Oh God my legs too, my face too. Oh god, I have turned in to a skeleton just like he had predicted. Uncle handed me to the baba and I could hear my bones crackling with each other. Ramlal takes me in his arms and throws me into the fire, I was scattered all over the floor in little pieces. It’s like I was outside my body now floating above and even before I had the time to understand what just happened, comprehend anything in my anorexic state, Ramlal starts throwing sharp bamboo sticks followed by a pointy Trishul towards my brother… and well …

That’s when I woke up Doctor, all confused and terrified. Trying to comprehend reality and gather myself and find my footing.

"Good, good … I am glad you shared this with me Jaya. It’s important that we discuss these dreams of your, it’s important for your recovery.

Now let’s try to understand it. I think the ‘cow’ is a symbol of your ‘guilt’ or sins that you think of and the ‘skeleton’ the way you feel, the felling of emptiness that you felt or feel and the  ‘Trishul’ the knife you tried to take your life with.

It’s been two months now. I can see the knife wound has started to close and your wrist is healing and you’re getting regular sleep. But it’s important that you keep at this pattern and continue talking to me.

We’re all here to help you. I would also suggest actively participating in the AA meetings if not in the psyche group.

See you tomorrow for the session Jaya. Have a nice day."

Bye Mr. Whether’s.

See you tomorrow.

 


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