To Breathe Or Not To Breathe

The chief justice in the world’s most polluted city woke up breathless. The capital air had penetrated his nasal tract and left deposits of phosphates, sulfates, dust, soot, and others on its way to the lungs. He had tested negative for COVID recently and ruled out the virus infection. The next day he announced setting up of a commission under a retired judge to investigate the matter of air pollution.

The American President had notably trumpeted that the air in India is filthy. The patriotic Indians could not refute this fact. His best friend chose to remain silent. He didn’t discuss this in his monthly talk.

The power at the Centre pleaded with the chief justice and said they would enact a LAW (laughable, atrocious, and whimsical) to control air pollution. Of course, the critics, liberal, leftists, khan market infidels roundly criticized the concept of yet another law. The feminists asked what about rapes? Aren’t they continuing in spite of the law against rapes? What about atrocities against Dalits in spite of the law? The scion twittered yet another instance of atrocity against farmers. It is all ‘gandi baat’ retorted the ruling junta.

Farmers of Punjab and Haryana decided not to grow cereal crops in protest against the new law, rather than putting a ban on stubble burning. Why aren’t cigarettes being banned? Why aren’t the vehicles being banned? Why aren’t the industries being banned? They retorted.

Other farmers from rice-growing states supported the farmers of Punjab and Haryana. Now they thought they would get a better price for their rice because of the short supply.

Somewhere in the south in a hill temple h’air’ collection came to pre-COVID normalcy. People with lots of hairs returned without airs about them after a temple visit. This phenomenon is called a total surrender to God.

The hirsuit guru with the flowing beard recommended pranayama to combat air pollution. A group of priests (GOP), suggested a yagna to purify the air by burning dung cakes and ghee made from cow. Along with chanting of specific mantras the air would be rendered pure and breathable. Not to be left behind a group of scientists (GOSc) wanted proof of this method and they signed a petition to the PM and released it to the press.

Some ministers who have been languishing in their homes, wanted to do a junket to Beijing as they had heard that the Beijing municipality had installed some air-purifying towers to good effect. The only problem was that the air towers were not Made in India and went against the atmanirbhar policy. Visa was denied to the group of ministers.

The Delhi Mukhya Mantri (DMM) since the beginning of 2020 had taken recourse to scriptures and chanting Hanuman chalisa and managed to retain his seat. He chose to adopt maunvrata as he did not want to release any more ‘gas’ in the already polluted air. He continued as Delhi Maun Mantri (DMM).

In the TV and social media, there were lots of debates; memes, one-liner, and two liners. Of course air quality remained the same and the common man continued to suffer. Those who could afford switched to a different mask that filtered particulates; some of them installed air-purifiers in their offices and homes.

It was then the e-commerce firms launched affordable- masks with very good offers. They refused to disclose where the masks were manufactured. Nationalistic politicians talked of the foreign hand in pollution of air in the capital. Climatologists rubbished the allegation.

One public-spirited lawyer filed a PIL asking the court to declare that right to clean air as a fundamental right. The SC got offended by the filing and fined the lawyer Rs 2 this time as Rs 1 fine had invited a lot of criticism.

Finally, the pradan sevak came on the TV at 6 Pm precisely and told the citizens of the country that air pollution is bad and the country will not reach its economic goals if her citizens are affected by air pollution effects. He declared that air pollution will be tacked on a Mahabharata war footing and in the next twenty- one day the country would become pollution-free. People celebrated this announcement by bursting crackers in a big way. That night NASA could not spot the capital city.