The Pee, The Water, and The Tea

I woke up groaning with the loud thumping of rain drops pounding savagely upon the window shields.

‘It is rarely a human,’ I thought to myself, ‘who breaks your sound sleep at such an inauspicious hour.’

Cursing the obscene droplets of rain under my breath I turned to my left to look at the time, which my evil watch refused me so politely. Apparently, I figured, it was a gentle reminder by my watch that, if I do not fulfill its demands it would be kind enough to refuse me the pleasure of knowing the right time forever.

The clock was stuck at 2:35.

And as I tried to see through the blurred shields of window, still pounded mercilessly with rain, it seemed as if the little clock was indeed showing me the right time, more or less.

It was dark, and I dreaded to go back to sleep. But seeking the opportunity of the moment, my mind decided to jump up letting me know about the issues which, he thought, needed my immediate attention –

First the bladder is trying to burst with all the excess juices I galloped last night, which meant that I had to pee immediately;

Secondly, the twitching and churning in the chest coupled with a sensation of dryness and a craving for some more juices told me that I needed a sip of water at once;

Thirdly, a strong sensation of someone so savagely hammering my head told me that I had a severe headache and I needed a tea or a cup of coffee.

Had it been another human or an animal, I would have long shot them dead with a single bullet of my mouser, and happily went back to my slumber. Alas! I couldn’t do that to my own forsaken mind, and nor to the pleading droplets of rain. At last I had to surrender to my mind.

Grudgingly I threw off the blanket, pulled the legs out of bed and onto but slightly above the floor fearing the cold touch of the ground. Through the bleary eyes I looked for slippers, put my divine feet over them and sanctified them with my holy touch. It was still cold, and slippers behaved rudely when I tried to further penetrate my feet into them.

Trying to recover from the trauma of all the events that happened so hastily in last couple of minutes, and were still going strong and adamant, I sat still for a while… Ceaseless pounding of bullets in disguise of rain droplets, over the window shield… the irritating whistling sounds of crickets and other invisible beasts, reaching to ears from some distant place… the sound of air being cut savagely with the blades of fan revolving with almost infinite speed… and the glare of light reaching the squinting eyes…

Hang on!!

Where’s the darn light coming from???

Only when the realization hit me that I never turned on the light, I saw that the glare of light had gone, and it was dark… ‘Wicked,’ I said to myself.

I tried to listen to the sound of air being cut by the blades of fan. But it was gone, as I recalled that I didn’t even turn on the fan. ‘Wickedly wicked,’ I said to myself.

I tried to listen to that irritating sound of crickets and other beasts. But it vanished in thin air. Poof! ‘Wickedly wickedly wicked,’ I said to myself.

I tried to listen to the ceaseless pounding of bullets over the window shield only to hear nothing. Curtly then I turned my head to look for the falling rain out of the window. But there wasn’t any… Not the rain…Not even the window…

‘Wickedly wickedly wic…OH SHUT UP!!’ I said to myself.

Sniffing the consternation, my mind decided to take charge of the wicked situation. He quickly reminded me of the three most pressing issues he was struggling with- The pee, the water, and the tea. ‘Wonderful!’ I thought to myself, quite happy to let go of the wickedness out of my life.

Only when I decided to pursue the first two, at first, I was hit with the most puzzling choice of my entire life- ‘which one to seek first: The water or the pee?’ No matter how hard I tried to decide, whenever I decided to go for the one, the other seemed equally weighted.

I decided to let the fate decide that and made up my mind to flip a coin only to find a coin already there in my left hand, materialized out of thin air, I don’t remember when.

‘That is indeed wickedly wickedly wickedly wicked,’ I said to myself.

In all the shock of the events I threw the coin away in full force. It hit the wall in front with a bang. Then I saw that it was not the coin. It was a small polo ball which kept growing and growing in size until it became the size of a football, as it came pouncing towards me with wind speed. I ducked in time, and the football shot heavily straight at the window and vanished out of sight, leaving a giant hole in the window shield from which the thundering rain droplets came shooting into my bedroom.

Before I could think about anything at all, the room was drenched in rain with my feet already beneath water. It felt hot- the rain water… and it was wicked.

Merciless droplets of rain then reached over the electricity board, and the sparks came out. The light bulb began to flicker in intensity struggling between turning on and off until it decided to shut off forever as the fan too decided to come to a halt after making a creak. The tiny sparks emerging from the electricity board turned into a wild fire.

And a spontaneous duel broke between the rain and the fire…. Either one trying hard to tame the other… The fire won at last now spreading more savagely, more voraciously; ready to swallow whatever comes in its way.

I decided to run there and then, out of the room and straight out of the front gate of the house.

And I kept running and running until I stopped dead to realize that I was not getting wet at all. In fact it wasn’t even raining at all. And… it wasn’t even dark…

I turned around only to find that there was no fire… And not even the house.

I thought I was going to faint…

And in all the exasperation I grabbed the arm of the chair and forced myself over it with a thump, and stood up at once as I heard a loud and shrill meow of a black cat, which scurried away at once.

I didn’t know there was a cat…

But then, I didn’t know there was a chair either…

But then, I didn’t know that there was a huge ground in front either.

‘Holy Shit!’ I opened my mouth to say those words when I heard the exact same words come sweeping in through my right ear… I turned to my right to find an old man sitting at the far end of that same chair which was now a big bench. He was gazing at me derisively and opened his mouth again to repeat the exact same words again- ‘Holy Shit!’

I turned away from him. I sat there for a while to relax and try to get hang of the moment, when I saw a couple of boys playing in the middle of the ground. They were all dressed in the same white shorts and a maroon t-shirt, running wildly. They were playing football.

But, I thought to myself again, ‘It is not possible. There’s only one team. How could they play football?’

And the boys stopped running at once, and each one turned to look at me. One of the boys came forward, with the ball under his feet. I looked at the ball only to find that it was the same ball which broke my window shield, the same ball which tried to knock me out. A wave of fear crossed my heart.

The old man began to laugh louder than ever…

The boy adjusted his feet behind the ball preparing for a mighty kick. He took his feet back in the air and with a swift motion he kicked the ball which flew in the air, reaching towards me hungrily. The laughs grew louder… the ball drew nearer and nearer… As it was about to hit me, I turned to look at the old man who opened his mouth again to utter the same words- ‘Holy Shhhhh’….. The ball hit him hard before he could finish the ‘Shit’.

I stood up and walked towards the old man. He was dead. But there was still that derisive look on his face and his jaws were stretched in same big laugh. He was laughing at me even after death. I turned around to look at the boys. They too were laughing at me.

I decided to join them in laughter. And I began laughing louder then all of them, and I laughed and laughed, until every one of them fell silent and decided to mind their own business.

I looked at the old man… He was still laughing…

‘MURDER… MURDER… HE KILLED THE OLD MAN!…’ I looked in time to see a hoard of people running towards us.

‘A suspect at a crime scene,’ I thought to myself, and broke in a mighty run.

I ran and ran, leaving behind the old man… leaving behind the crowd… the ground… the boys… and the ball… the ball… ‘I left a mark behind, over the dead body,’ I thought to myself and kept running harder than ever.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of my house. It was still burning. I wanted to go in but I couldn’t. And then I remembered something faintly: The three pressing issues… And I kept running and running until I saw a board in the middle of the road which was pointing to the left and upon which, written were the words- ‘YOU MUST PEE HERE & NOW!’ in bold letters. A swift left and the next moment I was in the public toilet, releasing all the pressure out of my bladder…

‘Aahhh… So much relaxation,’ I thought to myself.

‘Are you the one who killed the old man in the park?’ somebody snapped from the back.

I zipped my pant, turned around, looked at the man in the eye and said, ‘NO!’

‘Alright then,’ he said again, ‘better keep running. They are looking for you.’ Then he looked me in the eye with fake sympathy and answered my confusion- ‘You left your mark behind at the scene. A coin! Now run!’

And so I did.

I ran harder and harder.

‘Why didn’t the guy hand me for the murder?’ I thought while I ran. But I was feeling a little better now. ‘All I needed now,’ I thought to myself: ‘The water, and a cup of tea.’

I didn’t know why, but those were the issues I was worried about most.

And I ran… past the squares… past public buildings… past the passing vehicles and the people who were all looking at me for some reason. And then I heard all of them shouting and talking, ‘Hey look! The murderer… Hey look! He murdered an old man… Hey look!…’ I thought about the coin… I thought about the guy I found in the public toilet… I thought about the girl dressed in dark red…

‘The girl???…’ I stopped running.

She was looking at me. Perhaps she was waiting for me. She was dressed in dark red mini dress, a big hat, and the slippers… The slippers… She was wearing the same slippers which acted so rudely when I tried to penetrate my feet into them.

Now I knew why. Those weren’t my slippers. Those were her, the girl who looked beautiful in her red dress, the black hat, and her slippers. She smiled at me and winked. I winked back. ‘How the hell did I get her slippers last night?’ I thought to myself.

As the accusing crowd of people drew nearer, the fading accusations of ‘Murderer… Killer…’ reached my ears, she drew out her hand and pulled me with her inside the gate. ‘Let’s go now!’ she said as we both entered into the restaurant. Her voice was soft, and familiar. But I couldn’t recall.

As we took a seat at the back end of the room, I peered at the crowd now glued to the glass front of the room, all gazing at me, cursing, and laughing.

‘Why are they laughing?’ I thought to myself.

‘Don’t mind them sweetheart…’ the girl said reassuringly, caressing my hand with her fingers.

I filled a glass of water that was there on the table and took a large sip.

I smiled.

She smiled at me and came closer, her face close to my face. Close enough to feel her breathe over my skin… it was cold, and it was calm. I drew close further to cover even the breathing gap… and kissed on her lips… She kissed back.

A fleeting thought came from somewhere- ‘The tea.’

“Are you the one who killed the old man in the park and left a mark on the spot?”

Grudgingly I broke from the kiss, and parted only a little to find the obnoxious waiter standing there, smiling so cheerfully for some reason. He was the one who put forth the question.

She turned in time to reply, “Yes! He is the one…” And the waiter looked satisfied.

‘What in the name of Merlin!!’

‘How the hell does everybody knows?’ I thought to myself, and before I could put forth my query to her, she planted another kiss upon my lips.

The waiter placed our order on the table and walked away.

She broke her kiss for last time as we looked at our order- ‘Two cups of tea!’

I looked at her… She was smiling and her eyes were glinting mysteriously.

I remembered… the three pressing issues- The pee, the water, and the tea….. The tea! At last…

I picked up the cup in one hand, moved it closer to my lips, and took the divine sip. And I was finally at peace. ‘The three pressing issues,’ I thought again to myself, ‘The pee, the water, and the tea.’

As I finished the tea in all the cheerfulness, I turned around to see that the crowd had now gathered all around me- the boys, the guy from the public toilet, the other passersby, the waiter, and the girl… and the girl…

The girl was standing right in front of me, one hand outstretched and at the end of it there was a gun. She was pointing a gun at me. ‘It was the same gun I had… my mouser!’ I thought to myself. She looked even more beautiful with the gun.

Every one of them was gazing at me in amazement. But I didn’t care about anyone then. I was at peace… My mind was at peace. And again I thought to myself, ‘The three pressing issues…’

The girl fidgeted with the gun. “You have come too far…” she said to me, “And you shouldn’t have killed the old man.”



And I laughed a heartfelt laugh. The next instant she pulled the trigger… and I drenched into the eternal silence forever. The mind was finally at peace once and forever.

The three pressing issues… no more…

It was only after some infinite time in some distant eternity when I heard a familiar sound coming out of some distant place… I opened my eyes and woke up from my deep sound sleep. Turning to my left I pressed a hand on top of the watch to turn off the alarm. And the familiar sound died forever.

But!!!

As my eyes fell on the hands of the clock, I was shocked!

The clock was still showing the same evil time- 2:35.

And it was stuck only there.

“What was then that familiar sound that I just silenced forever?” I thought to myself.