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Raju Ganapathy



Raju Ganapathy


The P-Cola

The P-Cola

6 mins 578 6 mins 578

At the national start up enclave to identify the best of business models on the theme of urine to urea the competition was rather severe. Mr Adhikari, Minister for Fast Track Roads and Infrastructure, known for his efficiency and good record had proposed the idea and response was flowing unstopped since then.

Venture Capitalists went into finer aspects of the business model and ROI (return on investments). Start up Serialists from various backgrounds such as production technology, logistics, packaging and human anatomy did some serious brain storming non-stop until their bladder was bursting and collected some sizeable quantity of samples.

National Pet Owners’ Association (NPOA) welcomed the idea and said they too will whole heartedly participate and contribute not only theirs Ps but also that of their pets. There was immediate demand for pet trainers for P habits.

Association of Animal Welfare (AAW) initially protested that this P-collection venture must not end in pets not being taken for a walk. All animals have their right to walk and this right must not be curbed at any cost. Once NPOA gave them assurance they too welcomed the idea.

The municipal workers too welcomed the idea for it meant the streets would be relatively free of big Ps.

The Park Associations not to be left behind also passed a resolution in support of the idea since the irritant of finding pet Ps in the park would be resolved once for all.

The PM in his inaugural address congratulated Mr Adhikari and all others and said that this is a classic idea of Make in India and the Mahatma would have been proud of this. He also declared that 3rd October would be declared as a national holiday from this year onwards as a tribute to this Make in India initiative.

Several start up ideas got funding following the national enclave. One of them said they would soon launch the India P-cola that would increase production of the P. It also said that the ageing actor who pedals everything from paan masala to protein drinks would soon be seen in an ad blitz for this P-cola.

A start up with tie up from a logistics company announced it would set up nation wide P-collection center and it would set up a pilot in the most populous state UP and then MP and so on. Their goal “doth not waste a drop”.

A techie start up said it would soon launch a P-bracelet to monitor P production in the body so that can be managed better.

A Harward educated economist presented a seminal policy paper titled the “P Strategy for Purging of Poverty ”. He said that an average P production is one litre per person /day. So, Indians are producing a phenomenal billion liters of P per day. P on an average has about 2% of Urea by volume and went on to estimate the investment required for a colossal venture but also estimated the even greater benefits that the country would accrue. He concluded that the 3Ps strategy together with public private participation adds up to 6Ps strategy for poverty removal. The 6Ps concept propelled the economists to dizzying heights of fame and fortune and rumor was that he could become a PM candidate from the opposition following another noted economist.

The opposition proved their mettle by questioning the said strategy. Would it not lead to growth of human population? They reasoned since every ml of P produced implies potential for income. They also asked if the government would declare a minimum support price for the P produced. The government retorted that they would set up a national commission headed by the doyen scientist Dr M.S Desai and would announce the MSP there after.

The women Self Help Groups thoroughly denounced the idea stating that it would increase the drinking and habits of their men folks. The Chairperson of the National Commission for Women supported their opposition. It left lady ministers in the cabinet in a dilemma.

Several vedic outfits demanded that P from cows must be collected separately and promoted for making medicines and organic fertilizers. Ancient ayurvedic science claims Gomutra was helpful for treating leprosy, peptic ulcer, liver ailments and so on.

Minority groups demanded if P from Pigs from were to be collected they should be labelled separately as it was very a sensitive matter and such Ps could not be mixed up with general P.

Men started a movement opposing this venture. What would happen to their national past time of anywhere and everywhere? Would they not be dis-empowered of their zipping rights? They argued. An unprecedented longest men chain was formed as a protest and they P.. eed gleefully in public spaces. Police in a sweep down arrested and put behind bars leading activists of p…ing men. The notable human rights lawyer Antony Gonsalves argued in the SC for their bail stating that the arrest violates the natural law for men folks.

Mr Adhikari announced that the government would soon enact a law prohibiting wasting of P. An inside report claimed that the Home Minister was opposed to this bill tooth and nail as he wondered whether the police with paucity could monitor people

One Mr Khan of Bollywood fame quickly announced a film titled “To P or not to P” and said the film would be released nationwide on 3rd October. It would be multi- lingual and would have a cameo by the inimitable “thalaiva”. “If I P one time it is equivalent to 100 times” delivered in his unmatched style had already become the dialogue of the nation.

Anyway, the 6Ps mission impossible was made possible by the PM’s direct intervention. He alone had the capabilities to pull off such a mission. For a man who had pulled off demonetisation and surgical strikes in his tenure this was no challenge.

Six months later the first bag of Urea was handed over by Mr Adhikari to the PM amidst great fanfare on 3rd October. The film “To P or not to P” was also released on the same day. It went on to become a dud by the end of next week.

It was a different matter that Make in India urea found no takers. The entire nation was caught unawares by the stealth of the Chinese who borrowed a leaf from Mr Adhikari, quietly went up setting up the entire supply chain and dumped the market with their urea at half the cost of the desi one. Chinese also had a gomutra variant at the same price as the normal one as a goodwill gesture for vedic consumers.

Last heard was that the government was mulling if under WTO they could block Chinese urea.

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