We were at our regular spot, in a secluded park away from the city with hardly some couples spending time together. She was seated right beside me on the bench, but looked straight into a tree where two squirrels were playing with each other, unaware that their privacy was being invaded. I couldn't face myself to look at her either and there was awkward silence for quite sometime, until I decided to break the ice myself.
'So how has it been going?'
'I don't know, I'm fine I think.'
I didn't quite want to meet her today, but she had insisted on it. And when she wanted something, she was stubborn about it. She had convinced me by saying it would only help us if we met today.
Was it doing any good? I wasn't quite sure.
'How have you been handling it?' She asked, looking at me for the first time since we sat.
I noticed that she was paler than usual today, with much less make up. The lipstick she would never go out without was missing. Her golden eyes were sad yet dreamy but my gaze was stuck on her lips. Even without her lipstick, her lips looked bright, and beautiful. My mind just slipped, and I wanted to trace my fingers along the outline where her lips met mouth. She became a little conscious, licking her lips with her tongue which made her look even more attractive. I inadvertently pulled myself closer to her, her gaze looking confused, yet intimate. When my lips reached hers, I could hear two hearts pounding in resonance, looking for solace with each other. My lips moved over hers, and hers didn't hesitate. I put my arms around her neck , behind her hair as she gently stroked her lips over my mouth, with her hand clamped tight to my hair. I realised that the passion was still alive and nothing had changed the chemistry between them. We were beautiful, and we were perfect for each other.
And suddenly, she pulled away, and I could notice a tinge of guilt in her eyes. It pained me, and I almost felt my watery eyes.
'I... Umm. I'm sorry! I didn't...' She said.
'It's okay. But I told you it was a bad idea to meet.'
I tried to laugh it off, hiding the pain inside.
I always felt it was right to have a control over my emotions, to hide anything even slightly subtle. I had never cried in my life, except once after the death of my mother. I was always scared to show my weaknesses, since I always lived under the impression that every weakness of mine was a strength to others.
It was only in her presence that I had learnt the importance of letting others know how I felt. She had changed me, brought me out of this cocoon I had been and taught me the beauty of love. She taught me how to love someone completely, and how to trust instincts and believe my heart instead of my head.
And now, she was taking it all away, and I don't know what to feel anymore.
'You're hiding. And I know it.' She said.
I've always wondered how she knew about me more than I knew about myself. It was some kind of magic, and I've always been intrigued by this talent of hers.
She put her hand on my lap, and she looked at me with those intense eyes and signalled to me that everything would be alright.
I didn't believe so, but if she said it, it must be right.
'When is it?' I asked
'What? The marriage?'
I nodded. I knew the date, it was stamped on my head, and I don't think I'd ever forget it. But I asked anyway.
Silence took over.
'Listen, I know how you've been feeling, and if you trust me, I feel horrible too. But there are some things that are out of my control here. I really wanted us to happen....'
'I know. Family and society and blah blah. I know.' I interrupted her before she began to preach again.
She had told me this a dozen times, and sometimes I just didn't bother to listen. What could be more important than love? Than me? I failed to understand every single time, but I'd rather ignore her. Every time she mumbled something about how being a woman was tough and she had to listen to everybody but herself and that her family would never allow her marry an orphan, I just accepted that perhaps she was right. She had to be, she always was.
I stood up, ready to leave. I couldn't stand this pain no more, and in her presence, it was inevitable now. I had to let it go, find myself a distraction. A distraction that could last for a long time. And I could, I was sure about that.
As I turned away, I felt a soft hand grasp my arm. I looked back, and she was holding me, tears rolling down her eyes. It were those tears that I hated the most about her. I couldn't stand them and I've always had the urge to make her pain go , as soon as possible. I'd do anything for her right now, to make her happy, kiss her, stroke her hair just like she loved them, or even crack a joke, but I couldn't. It was wrong. I just wiped her tears off and tried to smile.
'Would you remember me?' She asked, gulping down most of her words.