The Goodbye...

Ever since the past three years, 29th May has always been the hardest day to survive through. I took my diary and got myself settled in the most comforted place of the house. Her bed...As soon as I neared myself to her room, I started tensing up. My body stiffened and my steps started to feel heavy. It felt like my body was trying it's best to resist the urge in my heart and stop me from entering the room that held memories of her...

I opened the pages of my diary dated back to 12th February, 2016, and inched it closer to my chest. My diary was like my 10 year-old self whom I told everything. Every conversation, every thought, every moment spent was condensed in between the pages of this book. Even before I could realize, tears trickled down my eyes. I closed my eyes as the memories of the days past fled through my mind.

Three years earlier...

"It is tough, isn't it?", I wondered as I saw my mother lay on bed, struggling and groaning, trying to sleep through it all. She had been like this for months and there was nothing that I could do about it. It felt like her disease was eating her alive from within and she was trying with all her might to fight it. She has been utterly strong all this time. But since the past few weeks, the pain was too much for her to bear.

My mother had always stayed happy. Her lips were always spread in a beautiful smile. She'd always sing when she cooked for me. She would never let any situation break down her happiness. And now...her melodious voice was replaced by a deafening silence. Her smile was long lost from her face. All that remained on her face were dark half moons under her eyes and her skin had developed folds and looked pale and worn out.

I had always taken her for granted. Never followed her instruction, or valued the time and affection that she spent on me. Five years ago when my father died, I saw her break down for the first time. She held onto me tightly. She was crying. She felt fear. Fear of losing me. "Promise me something, will you?", she had asked, barely audible. Sitting near my father's coffin was the first time I saw her so vulnerable. "Yes ma, I will". "Don't ever leave me alone. Please". I want to beg her to be there for me too but nevertheless, I assure her that I will always hold her hand and never leave her side.

I turned the pages of my diary to when the days of my misery had just began...

Breathing was becoming difficult every minute I stayed with her and watched her fragile self lay on the bed, yearning to get up and move about. But she could not muster the strength to do so. I wanted to break down. Let it all out. Not wanting the burden on my shoulders. I wondered what it would be like to spend my evenings like the rest of the kids. But I had to stay strong for my mother. I could not let her see my vulnerable self. She wanted to be my strength and I could not let her be my weakness. She had written a poem for my father and she would read it out loud to the starry sky every night, with hope that someday, one of the stars would descend from the sky and grant her her wish. I had always loved it. It seemed that reading the poem was the only way that she would pour her feelings out and not keep them bottled up inside her.

But that was till it all became claustrophobic...

"Eat your food properly. Don't go alone in the night. Don't take your bicycle out late night. Don't be friends with those children. Why aren't you thinking of your future?"

I flipped through the pages of my diary to day I dreaded the most...The day I spoke words that I wouldn't have in my several lifetimes.

She had become over-protective of me. She had developed a fear of losing me to the outside world. It was only obvious that after what had happened to her after my father died, I couldn't imagine what she would be like if she lost me too.

One day, I snapped.

"Take your helmet with you", she'd commanded. "I can ride my bicycle alright, mom. Stop pestering me about everything. You are scared. That doesn't mean you shouldn't let me live my life the way I want to". I had never spoken to her in that way in all my life. The look on her face crushed my heart to a million fragments as I heard her gasp at my sudden outbreak.Tears were threatening to escape as her eyes welled up. To top it all, I did not even apologize and rushed out of the house. The impact of my own words on her mind and the look on her face stabbed my heart but I couldn't stay longer, hence I left immediately.

I realize now, how much my words must have stung her...

Every evening I would accompany mom to my father's grave. On our way, we would stop by a florist to buy a bunch of red roses and white tulips to put on my father's grave. He had loved them. He used to always give her these to symbolize his pure and unconditional love for her. My mom would sit in front of his grave and tell him about her day, her sorrows, and complaints. It was perhaps the best part of her day. The look on her face reminded of all those evenings when she would squeal with excitement as the door bell would ring indicating my dad's return and how she loved to cook dinner for him.

And then came that most unfaithful day, 29th May, 2016, the day I wished never existed. The day, I wish I could wipe out of my life, out of my memory.

That day...After an hour of spending time in the cemetery, my mom stood up and turned to the next grave. Her eyes glistened as tears started to fill them up. With trembling fingers, she placed the remaining of the tulips on the grave. I cocked my head to the side as I watched her in confusion. She turned to me, held my hand and started drawing circles with the pad of her thumb on the back of my hand. I watched her as she brought my hands to her lips and kissed the back of my palm. She then cupped my face and lowered my face to place a kiss on my forehead. She spoke in a low voice, although loud enough for me to hear, "You've been the best child that any parent could have asked for on this Earth. You kept your promise. I want you to be strong and be brave. I want you to know that I am very proud of you and the person that you have become. I love you so much, swee-", she choked even before she could complete.

At that moment, I felt as if the time stood still as I watched her collapse and fall into my hands...

I was not ready to accept that I had lost my mother until the day of her funeral arrived. Nothing could have prepared me for that day. I sat next to her as I watched her lay in her coffin, lifeless. I intertwined my fingers with hers and lay my head on her chest, hoping that would rise again and I would be able to feel that rhythmic heartbeat again.

I did not want to face the next day. I did not wake up the next day only to realize that, the hands that once held me tightly when I took my first step or rocked me to sleep, were now slipping away from mine. I did not want to let her go. But I remembered what she told me the night she died. She was proud of the strong person that I was, and I couldn't be weak now. I had to be strong. Especially for her. I gathered my strength as I proceeded down to see a few of my relatives already crowded in the living room with my mother's coffin in the center.

I watched as a few of the men lifted the coffin off the ground and rested it on their shoulders. And that is then, it struck me that I had to face the reality now. I followed behind them, and watched them as they carefully put her coffin in the hearse. I placed a soft kiss on her coffin along with roses and tulips. "I love you mama. I know this is where we part but I know that you will never my side. I know you will be watching over me. You are going to a better place, a place where you would feel no pain, no sorrow, no disappointment. You are going to Dad and that thought is enough to satisfy that you are now going to a safer place. Goodbye, mama. See you soon..."

With those parting words, I stepped back and watched the hearse being driven out of the gate. My lips curled into a slight smile realizing that she was now going to happier abode.

With that, I said Goodbye to the first woman who I fell in love with. To the woman who had carved me into the person that I was today. And I was not going to let her down...

I closed my diary, only to notice that my face was now stained with tears that seamlessly ran down my eyes. I pulled myself together and walked out to the cemetery to spend the evening with my parents...