The Black Sheep

I was in eighth standard when we were taught this lesson "the ant and the grasshopper". I do not remember much but there were two brothers, namely, George and Tom who were representing the lives of the ant and the grasshopper respectively. George, the elder brother, worked hard and lived an honest and disciplined life while Tom, the younger one, procrastinated and lived an idle, reckless and care free life. I remember there was this phrase "the black sheep of the family."

They say that there's one black sheep in every family and I think I'm the one in mine. I do not help my mother with her daily chores. I do not sit with my grandparents. I do not listen to those heroic stories of my great grandmother anymore even though i know it needs to be heard. I hardly talk to anyone. Perhaps one or two. I'm losing my interest in everything around me. I'm not doing anything. I started forgetting things. I started making mistakes that I never made. I can't feel things anymore. I sit idle for the whole goddamn day and I don't regret doing that. Well, on some nights, I do but the next morning i repeat it all again. It's getting worse day by day.

I don't talk about it with anyone in my family because i know they wouldn't understand me. They'd tell me that I'm making excuses. In fact, they do tell me that i make excuses. Some of my friends think the same. They tell me not to blame the situation nor time nor fate. I wanna ask them all, "Whom to blame then?" Myself? That's alright! I'm taking the blame but what to do next? Taking the blame on my head would solve the problem? I've been dealing with this for i don't know how long but i want to stop it now.

I don't want to become "the black sheep of my family". I'm tired of being someone i never wanted to be. I've lost my path. I never choose this life for myself, I swear.