Suicide...

Life was so boring for me. There was nothing left in my life to live for. My family was happy and busy in their own lives, my children were settled in their respective jobs, friends were busy in their own lives as well, and I was feeling as if I have lost my importance somewhere. There was no purpose of my life anymore. I was content with the fact that I have nothing more to achieve, nothing more to look forward to. All of a sudden I had started questioning my existence now. Yes, I wanted to end my life!

It was still dark outside. Sleep was miles away from me today. I looked at my watch. It was 5 AM. I came out from my blanket, put on my slippers, and quietly came out from house, shutting the door slowly so that it doesn’t make any noise. I once looked back at the house I was leaving back - my sleeping kids, my wife, my parents; I bid all of them a final goodbye silently. I started my car, and drove off for Nandi Hills. All of a sudden I was totally calm with no fear of leaving this world now. Probably my mind had also accepted the fact that suicide is bliss.

I passed by all the places where once I had spent enough time with my near and dear ones, and there were so many memories associated with each of them - the park where I played as a kid, the school where I grew up, the coffee shop where I first dated my wife, IIM from where my kid passed out. But nothing was significant for me now. I tried to shrug off those thoughts, so as not to become emotional, as it will only hurt more while leaving the world.

I reached the topmost hill of Nandi Hills. It was quite windy at the top. I was barely able to stand still. I pulled up the neck of my jacket. I climbed the barricade, went near the edge, and I could see the deep valley down. It was beautiful! Soon I was going to be lost in the same deep valleys, I thought. And all of a sudden, the same beautiful valley appeared frightening to me. I stretched my arms and was about to jump, when my confidence gave up. My heartbeat was fast, and legs were fumbling. I was unable to jump from the height. It seemed frightening to me. I was now frustrated at myself, being unable to even take my life.

Visibly irritated, I returned back, kicked my car in anger, put it in ignition, and thought to drive it down to the forests. May be I will find some wild animal which will tear my flesh apart. Soon, I was amidst the dense forest, with no trace of the human civilization which I had left by now. I switched off the ignition, and came out of the car. I was now waiting for the animals, may be a leopard or a bear to do the rest.

Suddenly, I saw an old man slowly coming towards me. He was quite old, with his wrinkles visible on his old skin. He was walking with the help of a stick making a strange sound, but his eyes were full of energy. We exchanged eye contact for a while, and he smiled. The smile was contagious. He came near me, and asked whether I have lost the way, or the car has broken down. Irritated by his appearance out of nowhere, and causing disturbance in my suicide plans, I just ignored him. He asked me again, and this time I had to say that I am fine.

 

He probably understood my irritation and started walking away from there. He was almost 100 meters away from me with his back still visible, when suddenly the thought struck to my mind that why not utilize him for killing me. I had just experienced that I am unable to kill myself, so it was better to get killed by someone else. And what better place than this secluded forest, where nobody will come to know about the incident at all.

I called that old person. He stopped and saw me calling him over through the gesture of my hands. He was soon in front of me. “Yes son, tell me, you need any help”, he asked with the same contagious smile. I was a bit hesitant how to tell him that I want him to kill me.

 

I said, “Baba - to be honest, I came here to commit suicide. But after 2-3 attempts I now understand that I can't kill myself. It’s too tough take own life. But at the same time I don't want to live anymore as well. Please do me a favor!

 

The old was perplexed and started scratching his head, unable to understand what favor I am talking about from him.

 

Without looking at him, I continued – please slit my throat with the knife which is hanging near your waist. It will be a great favor on me. Please!”

He was speechless at my revelation. He paused, looked at my face angrily, thought for a while, and then asked that how much I will be giving to him. I happily handed over my wallet to him, which had more than 15,000 rupees in it. He took the wallet, touched the money, and gave me a satisfying look. He gave the wallet back to me and said that he will take it once he completes his work. But he had a condition - he wanted to visit his son and consult him once about the consequences. I happily agreed and both of us proceeded towards his hut. I was sure if not this old man; I will be able to convince his son at least.

On the way, he was very happy, may be because of the huge money he was going to get. INR 15,000 was a big amount for him anyways. He asked me whether I have ever realized how beautiful the forest was - the greenery, the mesmerizing beautiful butterflies, the dew on the leaves, the squirrel running across the tree, the sound of the cuckoo, the smell of the soil. Oblivious of all these, I was just casually saying a yes in between to make him happy.

 

He then asked me to look at the sky pointing his fingers towards the rising sun – “Isn't the world beautiful?” I just laughed at him, because he has never seen what world is all about, how big it is, what all luxuries he is deprived of.

We kept walking for another few kilometers. I was tired by now. Suddenly, we saw a small hut amidst the forest. We reached at the entrance. I was not too keen to go inside. I asked him to go inside and come back soon, and take his son if he suggests you not to do that.

 

Before going inside, he once again asked me the same question – “Isn't the world so beautiful?”

 

No, I replied sternly – “I don't think so. The world will be the same even if we live or die. It’s not beautiful, it’s just bland and boring”, I said. “Now, please meet your son, and come back soon. Else I will have to regret my decision of picking you as my savior who will put an end to my boring life”.

 

As if, the old man's entire energy vanished all of a sudden. It seemed his blood has been sucked by a vampire. His eyes were moist, and with a murmuring voice he replied - you can't understand the meaning of regret at all. Saying this, he quickly went inside the hut.

I kept waiting for him for almost an hour, anxiously passing my time, having smoked 10 cigarettes by now. But still there was no sight of him coming out. Irritated by his laziness, I decided to enter inside and tell him to be at home, I will manage to find some other way to kill myself. I entered the hut in frenzy, and noticed there was no one except a middle aged man resting inside.

 

I asked him, where is your father? The person was staring at me as if I have gone mad. “What happened? Why are you staring at me blankly? Just tell him that I am going back. He need not come with me anymore.” I was furious and yelling at the top of my voice.

“Excuse me Sir! What are you saying?” He pointed his fingers towards an old photograph of the same old man in a corner – “He died almost 7 years back. He had committed suicide.” I was stumped! My entire body was trembling, and only the voice echoing in my mind - "You can't understand the meaning of regret at all!”

 

I came out of the house, and looked at the sky. All of a sudden the sun, the world, the trees, the butterflies, and the fresh dew smell – everything was looking beautiful to me. I wiped off the tears from the core of my eyes and started the car, driving back home…