Perspectives: Small Change Make Big Difference

Ankita and Richa have been friends since early school days, but they have been out of touch for the last year, while obviously not counting Facebook likes. Their friendship had been so deep that one cannot fathom its depth through measuring the likes. Prior to the last year, they had been active on calls once in 2-3 months, which can be termed as good connectivity in current times for friends living in different cities. However, something changed in the last year, which even Ankita could not understand or place a finger on the exact problem. She could feel that there was a lack of warmth and intimacy unlike what she always used to experience even if the conversation lasts for a few minutes. The topics were more formal and hence the frequency started to drop, the urge to talk even lesser. She could not believe how a friendship as old as theirs could suddenly feel so formal and discolored. She was not prepared for this, but she decided to work on getting back to track. Ankita was never the one to budge easily.

She deliberated on the calls which transpired in the last year as to why they were so dry. She could remember how excited she was about her new house and décor. She shared all those finer details but Richa was listening quietly. Moreover, in one of their calls, Richa mentioned that she is planning to shift out of Bangalore and leave the job.

“Oh really, why? You were quite happy with your workplace.”

“Yeah, I was, but don’t think that I should continue for so long.”                

“Hmm, true, but why shifting from Bangalore? You love the place, don’t you?

There was a long pause, “Yeah, but I want to explore…I have seen enough”

Ankita showed agreement and then had kept on talking about her new adventures from the vacation, the Bungee Jumping, and long trek which just enthralled her. She knew that Richa is not the usual adventure traveling type, but she always enjoyed Ankita’s experiences. This time her silence was the unusual one.

 Today, as Ankita was reflecting, she realized that she had never actually listened to what Richa was saying and she was busy sharing her own experience. She did not even know if Richa actually left the job or not or what made her say so. She was concerned now, “Does she need help? Why did I not talk to her properly?”. Ankita had usually been the more loquacious one among the two, but she always appreciated the warm affection which Richa showed towards her. Now she realized that all this while, she was a bit disheartened since she was not getting the due attention and appreciation from Richa, which she yearned for so much. On the other hand, she conveniently ignored her friend’s agony and did not even once took pains to know more about it. How could she have been so self-centered all this while? Ankita was feeling ashamed of her own attitude. Now, she was more determined to solve this jinx. Taking the onus, she called her friend at 12 pm in the night.

After 2 attempts, Richa picked up.

“Hi, Richa!”

“Hey, what happened?”

“Nothing. Just wanted to talk to you.”

“Okay, tell me what it is?”

“How have you been? We have not talked well for quite a long time.”

Richa was amused this time. She giggled, and asked, “What occurred to you so late?”

Ankita sheepishly said, “I was actually wondering if you have any problem in your life. You have been so quiet and sullen whenever I talked to you. I was thinking about you and felt that something is not right…and I couldn’t wait till the next day.”

Richa had been holding herself back but the genuine concern of Ankita made her open up.

She told Ankita how her life had been so topsy-turvy all this while. Ankita has had a troubled relationship with one of her office colleagues which got her into the self-deprecating mode. She has been trying too hard to make it work smoothly but the boy had been quite unpredictable. On some days, he seemed to be the most caring person on the planet, which got her all the more firm to continue the relationship come what may, while on other days, he would not talk to her for days on a small issue, as simple as not doing lunch together in the cafeteria due to a busy schedule. He would often mock her as dim-witted while they are along with his group of friends. She had come to a state where she felt anxiety all the time to lose him. A year ago, she believed that meeting him was the best event of her life. She was about to share this with Ankita but was looking for a commitment from this person. Now, it was leading to only confusion and bewilderment for her. She felt a sense of self-doubt and hurt almost on a regular basis but could not get out of this relationship due to anxiety. It seemed to her that she will not be able to keep any relationship if she broke up with the person.

“Ankita, something is breaking inside me. I do not think I am able to value myself at all. I am unable to keep him happy and always end up doing something wrong. I do not feel like waking up to another day. I do not want to tell all this to you since it sounds so depressing. I do not know how all of this happened to me”, Richa was inconsolably crying while saying this.

Ankita could not believe her ears, as to whether this is the same confident and pragmatic girl whom she knew. Richa has always been quite sensitive and an introvert, but her inner strength had seen no bounds. She had seen her overcome a lot of issues in her life with grace. She sounded so much in pain that Richa decided to meet her. She just left for Bangalore the other day and met her in person. Richa truly needed to see her but she never mentioned it because she always found it difficult to ask for help. Here she was sinking in her mind but made no cry for help, neither to parents nor to her dearest friend. They were overwhelmed to see each other after a long gap of 5 years. Sometimes, nothing can replace the feeling of seeing your friend by your side without any device and holding their hands, just feeling that it will be well soon.

 “Richa, just remember that nobody is worth enough to devalue yourself. Your self-esteem makes you the person that we all know. If he cannot appreciate you for your qualities and does not understand your depth of emotions, you need not feel belittled. It is his mistake, not yours”

Richa was in much deeper grief. She understood all this, but her mental condition was not good enough to act upon these. She was looking at Ankita with pale eyes, embarrassed at her own condition, showing discernment but not quite following it. Ankita understood that explanations and preaching will not help. She just held her hand and smiled at her, “Okay let us do a deal. We are going to do some stuff together for a week and you will not talk to this person for the whole week.”

“He will be angry at me…” Richa showed signs of concern, but Richa was in no mood to relent.

“That will happen anyway for some reason, so let us give him a real reason this time. Anyways your friend has come here after 5 years, so she deserves more time.” She winked at Richa to cheer her up.

Richa pondered over it. Abhinav had always shown disagreement with friendly meetings of hers, but this time, she decided to go ahead with it, thinking that she will drop a message. “Okay, let us go for poolside dinner today. Then we will plan for the rest of the week there itself.” This was the first time today when her smile reached the eyes and there was a slight twinkle, which Richa noticed immediately. Both took leave accordingly to just have a great time reminiscing old times.

The whole week, they planned an itinerary of activities, sporting, relaxing, going to quieter places, and talking their hearts out. Richa was visibly delighted as if she had forgotten happiness. At times, there was a scare in her eyes, as to what will ensue once this vacation ends. How she wished that she could escape the reality of emotional turbulence and remain in this zone. Ankita finally asked her, “Why do you fear him so much? Why do you want to get back to this misery again? Why don’t you leave him?”

Richa had got much calmer so could think a lot more clearly at this point.

“He had been genuinely nice to me at a stage when I was deeply hurt, and his love seems very sincere. He has never shown any interest in anybody else except me. Nobody can love me like him.”

Ankita was a bit agitated, “Yes, he loves you so much that he hurts you every day and finished your self-worth.”

Richa was quick to retort, “He has had his own problems…he is a troubled soul due to his previous relationships. You know he never really had friends, his family is separated, so tends to be insecure.”

After a pause, she continued, “He mocks at me, also I think because he is too insecure to let me go anywhere and be a bit dependent on him.”

Ankita was a bit confused now, “So how are you going to deal with insecurity lifelong, keep getting mocked and rebuked like this? Can’t you see that this is a toxic relationship?”

Richa did not say much but could see things clearly now. She decided to sort this out with conviction. The problem lies in the insecurity and that is where she needed to work it out with Abhinav. She realized how this change helped her see things with a clear lens.

At the end of the week, Ankita had to leave, hence they were parting. Ankita was not sure if she had been able to help Richa out of this. She was very tentative about the whole situation and it was quite visible even while both were waiting for the cab. There was a roaring silence among the two.

Finally, Richa abruptly broke the silence, “I will take care of myself so just relax!”

Ankita was taken aback at this for a moment but recalled how it used to be just a few years ago. They did understand each other too well even in silence.

“Yes dear, I know what you are thinking, like always. Your being with me had changed a lot. I feel much more in control. I got the space to reorganize my thoughts and feelings.”

“Promise me that you will not go in mute mode, come what may.” Ankita showed her concern.

“Absolutely, I do. Moreover, I will not let myself be mocked or belittled. But I can change his attitude, trust me on this.”

“I trust you, you can do this, but if it does not, remember that you are not alone.”

Both smiled while parting and held on their gaze till the cab had traveled out of sight. Richa was a stronger soul again, and Ankita, a little calmer inside.

A few months later, Richa called up Ankita, again around 1 am. Ankita picked the call, with mild fear.

“Richa, are you okay?” Ankita asked tentatively.

“Hey yeah, I couldn’t hold my excitement so-called you this late.”

“Now, I am curious. Tell me.”

“We are planning to get married after 3 months.”, Richa said excitedly.

Ankita was not sure if this was a great decision. Yet she patiently asked, “Are you sure, things will go well? Are both of you ready for this commitment?”

Richa replied confidently, “Of course dear, I have not been so sure ever. This is not an impulsive decision, but we have been discussing it out. All this insecurity and agony had been emanating from the fear of losing each other. We have decided to deal with our problems together.”

“How about his erratic behavior?” Ankita was not convinced yet.

Richa said smilingly, “All of this had been back and forth. You have only heard my story, so your judgment is biased towards me. Fact is, we have both been hurting each other in some way without any intention. We can change it.”

Ankita was not sure about how they can make it work but she was happy with the change in her friend’s attitude, “You seem to have got back to your own pleasant self and even more…Most likely Abhinav is not hurting you anymore. I am happy for you.”

“It was all because of you! YOU made me realize that I CAN ask for help, I CAN be myself and do much better when I am not weak. I am not a VICTIM and need not be that. Often, this blame game becomes the easiest thing to do, but makes us really helpless to combat our inhibitions and shortcomings.”

Ankita could relate to it very well because she had also been feeling the same some time ago till she took the onus in her hand to transform her relationship.

This time, she truly congratulated Richa for her new life and was even more determined to change herself in making quick decisions.

At this point, we do not know if it will be a “Happily thereafter” story, but surely the accountability to change things for the better was acknowledged and on most occasions, this is what counts the most.