Pansies

A few rays of light beamed through the curtains.

As I removed the curtains,

The sunlight passed through me lighting up the whole room.

I slide the glass window and stepped out,

A soft sweet floral scent hit to my nose,

The birds singing the 'dawn chorus',

Indicating the arrival of spring season,

Which makes anyone feel alive.

But I felt nothing inside.

The winter still remained in me.

The peace behind the balcony rails,

Makes me to stop forward,

To end this eternal pain.

My hands clutches the rails,

Making the knuckles go white.

I close my eyes and feel the breeze,

Making me to be free like them.

Now, this is how my chapter will end.

I start the countdown,

Five, four, three, two, one...

Suddenly, my mind flashes my parents image,

Making me to stop.

The tears roll down my eyes,

Making the vision blurry.

I neither have the courage to live not to die.

I came into the room,

Stood Infront of the mirror,

The reflection shows of a girl similar to me.

In a hospital gown with pale face,

Tear stains and scars on the face, hands

And maybe on the entire body hiding beneath the gown,

With undetectable internal cuts.

They are mostly healed indicating

It's been weeks since it took place.

A face with no emotions,

Eyes with no life,

Just as the trees in the winter.

As a broken glass ready to give up.

Then the realization hit me,

It was no one but me.

Making me to remind the reasons for them.

I believed it was all a dream till yesterday,

Praying to open my eyes soon,

And everything to go normal.

But now I realized that I was wrong.

I'm not normal,

I can never be normal again

My legs gave up and I fell to the floor,

My tears starts to roll down the known stream,

But again no voice comes out.

I want to shout,

I want to scream,

But a smile comes to my face,

A pain smile which clenches anyone's heart,

A known smile for the future.

My eyes laid upon the blooming flower through the mirror,

Which makes me want to forget all of this.

A new life as a flower,

Enduring the hardships in the winter,

And taking the risk to blossom.

Then I questioned myself can I do it?

Can I get through this?

Can I forget that night?

Can I still be the same person?

I know the answers.

My scars will fade away by time as the spring go,

But the memory will never go,

The blurry faces will never go,

The pain I felt will never go,

The hits I took will never go,

The nightmares will never go,

The feeling of helplessness will never go,

The past will still remain,

They remain within me,

They bury with me.

What did I do to deserve this?

Was it my clothes? Was it my face? Was it my body? or was it this world?

Would this be different if I wasn't out?

Would it be different if I fought a little more?

Could I really stopped three of them?

I laid on bed watching the wall Infront of me,

The pain white wall similar to my heart,

With no colors, no emotions, but pure.

Am I really pure now? No...

A color which brings out life,

So, we are not same anymore.

A knock brought me out of my thoughts,

A lady enters the room,

A smile adds her face seeing me,

Maybe a forced smile suppressing everything within her.

The reason for me to stay alive.