My Tryst With My Circumstances

"Dekho koi drama nahi chahiye mujhko. Jaise jaa rahe ho vaise hi vapas aana. Koi natak nahi aur jaldi se vapas aana. Kuch gadbad nahi chahiye mujhe", I said, holding back those tears in my eyes.

It was about 1:30 at night, when I said these words to him, "see you back soon".

Dear friends,

I still clearly remember these words that I had said to my husband on the night of 16th april 2021 while handing over to him a bag containing two pairs of clothes, some dry fruits, biscuits, his favourite Saregama radio, and the much-required pulse oximeter.

As I opened the door that night, holding his bag, I started shivering badly even during that hot weather. (I normally get chills whenever I'm anxious) but that night, it was different. That night there was much more, for it was the fear of losing a part of my life.

The darkness of the night however hid my emotions as I gave him my shawl because he was trembling badly and handed over his bag to the ambulance driver.

And then..............

Zipped past the ambulance, taking him to an unknown location away from me, leaving me standing alone on that deserted street with my heart skipping beats and my eyes trying to catch one more glimpse of him.

Trying to hold back the tears in my eyes, I came back inside, locked the main gate, waved towards my mother who was standing helplessly in her balcony as she said sab theek hoga, tum bhi aaram kar lo ab(Everything will be fine, you too take some rest now) and then went straight to my children's room, where they all were awake, waiting for me to come to back to them.

All of them awake and pin drop silence, it felt horrifying to guess whether the silence of the night was more disturbing or their silent faces were more disheartening.

And then the youngest one asked, "Papa chale gaye kya"......

With a deep sigh I hugged them all, "haan babu, chalo ab tum log bhi so jao".

And all three of them snuggled in my arms like puppies, maybe to feel a sense of security that I would not let anything happen to them in absence of their beloved father.

The whole night went by just imagining different circumstances that I could land in from there but I had nothing in my hands except controlling my emotions and resorting to the toughness in me that night for if I would have broken, then an entire family would have broken. His parents, my mom, our trio, everyone.

Knowing that now everybody was looking up to me to take control of the situation, I had to do it, for I had no other option.

Twelve days back.............

It was the fourth of April, my mom's birthday.

We had landed in Mumbai from Bharuch due to my husband's transfer to Mumbai. During those days the deadly Delta variant of Covid was on a killing spree so taking all the necessary precautions, we had rented a fully furnished Bunglow a month before we shifted so as not to come in contact with the packers and movers or any other unwanted people for that matter, coz our topmost priority was to keep our preemie three and half-year-old triplets safe.

My mom had already shifted here two weeks earlier and maids had already been hired beforehand as a safety measure, lest we catch any infection.

And we landed in Mumbai on 4rth evening and surprised my Mom.

The next day, my husband left for his office to complete his joining formalities and I along with the maids adjusted whatever minimum luggage we had brought with us.

By evening, I started feeling very tired and developed a mild fever, which usually happens with me whenever I am overworked or exhausted, so I took a dose of paracetamol, but the next day morning I again developed fever. I took three doses of paracetamol that day but my temperature didn't come down much.

On the 7th morning while I was in the washroom I felt dizzy for a moment. Then while washing my hands, I again felt dizzy and this time I almost fell on the washbasin but revived back in a few seconds, I suppose.

I don't remember moving out of the washroom but my husband tells me that just outside the door, I had collapsed.

So this was the third time I felt dizzy and fell down, but luckily my husband was there to support me and prevent me from an injury.

Honestly, I don't remember all this. I just remember going to the washroom, feeling dizzy twice and collapsing on the wash basin for a moment, and then getting up sometime later from my bed.

My husband told me about all this later. And he said it was much similar to what was being shown on television about people collapsing here and there in China.

Anyway, looking at my condition my husband, fearing the worst, searched for a pathology lab nearby, and within an hour we were there to get me checked for......

The dreaded C.

My energy levels were going down very fast. I couldn't even manage to stand without his support.

RT-PCR sample was taken. We also had a discussion with my family doctor who too suspected the same. Still, we were hoping against hope and wishing for a negative result but all our hopes came crashing down when we saw the reports.

I was kovid positive, with a score of 18.

My husband immediately tried contacting his medical section but since his office building too had been sealed due to a large number of cases and doctors also were under a lot of pressure so he couldn't get immediate help.

Not knowing what else to do, I tried contacting one of my relatives in Mumbai whose daughter is a renowned surgeon in one of the best hospitals in Mumbai.

He immediately passed on the news to her and she was kind enough to call me back immediately and suggested that I download the Apollo 247 app and book an online consultation with a particular doctor who was her friend and was in-charge of Kovid care in that hospital.

We immediately did so. He suggested some blood examinations and prescribed medicines.

The next morning we went back to the lab to get those tests done. My husband too had developed a mild cough and sore throat that day.

So both of us took the recommended tests.

My blood reports weren't very convincing and my husband also tested positive. But his levels were just 31 and the other reports were also within limits.

We reached back home, and shared the reports with the doctor, who then started treatment for both of us.

In the meantime, three of my maids and the babies also started to develop cough and body aches.

I contacted my cousin again for help, as our house had already been sealed and we couldn't go out to get tested and she very kindly favored me by requesting her pathology department lab for immediate home sample collection of the whole family.

Within two hours the technician came to our place and took samples of all the members.

The next day my cousin shared the reports. Everyone else except my Mom and one maid was positive.

We were more worried about our children and under those conditions, I couldn't recall anybody else's name except the specialist who had granted them their lives when they were born.

I searched the hospital's number from the internet, called up and requested the NICU incharge to allow me get in touch with him.

The doctor was kind enough to immediately call me back and assured me that nothing would happen to my kids as there were no reports of Kovid affecting kids and prescribed medicines too.

My cousin prescribed medicines for all my maids too as she had handled kovid patients in the previous wave.

Nobody had the energy to work, but I and all the maids together somehow managed to prepare food for the family, till one of my cousins arranged for delivery of freshly prepared home cooked tiffins.

All of us used to wear masks all the time and were very careful while preparing food for the babies and my Mom because it was important for us to save her from contracting the infection.

My husband had decided to be with the kids as he was the one who had the mildest infection out of us all, but even after a week, my husband's coughing didn't improve. In fact, it kept on worsening day by day.

His energy levels were also coming down.

We took it to be exertion because of not getting adequate rest first but during our next appointment with the specialist when he complained about this loss of energy to the doctor, he immediately advised getting a CT done to rule out pneumonia.

I remember, it was around 8 O'clock at night when he was advised the test.

I immediately searched google for a scan center nearby.

Fortunately, we found one very near to our house and immediately contacted them and requested to perform an emergency scan as we didn't have the courage to wait till morning. The center head was kind enough to help us and we immediately went there, (I remember him lying down helplessly in the back seat as I had been on the first day of infection), While driving towards the center, I was all the time expecting that luck would favor us but destiny had some other plans.

He was diagnosed with moderate pneumonia. It was around 11:00 O'clock at night when we got these reports and I called up my cousin, who advised immediate admission in a good hospital.

My husband was feeling extremely weak and didn't even have the power to talk to anybody on phone.

He gave me the numbers of concerned authorities in his office and fortunately one of the doctors picked up my call at that hour. I briefed him about the reports and my cousin's suggestion and he assured me that he would get back soon after securing a bed in one of the Kovid centers.

He called me an hour later, informing me that he had had a talk with one of his doctor friends at a Kovid center and they were arranging an ambulance and he would be admitted there soon.

The ambulance reached our place at about 1:30 at night and that is when I said those words to him while wishing him an early and healthy return back home and stealthily trying to invoke the Shakti hibernating in my heart because I had the herculean task of informing my in-laws about his condition too.

Now that he was admitted for treatment of Covid pneumonia, I had no time to think about my condition as I was the only one who had to look after the whole family, the maids and put a brave front to whatever difficulties came my way.

I knew that there was no way out for me.

My husband used to call me up, two to three times a day and talk at length about his symptoms and conditions at the center. My heart broke everytime when I had to hide my tears, talk to him cheerfully, and also keep his morale high by just repeating that nothing was ever going to happen to him.

On the other hand, I had so many relatives in our families who were falling prey to this disease and some of them left us forever, but I had to courageously keep all this to myself.

My heart was bursting aloud with buried secrets but I had to limit the noise to myself.

I had an additional task of talking to his parents two to three times a day and convincing them that everything would be well. Then talking to my mother over a video call, who was locked inside her room asking for her wellness.

Answering calls from friends and family, while attending to my children and maid's needs, taking care of their medication, and keeping a close watch on their symptoms wasn't an easy task. I kept praying all the time for all those maids to recover as I felt terrible even at thr thought of one of them contracting pneumonia. After all they weren't my family but were my responsibility.

I stopped attending my physio sessions, and counseling sessions as I wanted to save every minute of the time I had, to take care of each and every need of my family.

My husband was discharged a week later and returned home but his weakness wouldn't even allow him to stand on his own. Due to the effect of steroids, his sugar levels used to be very high and he used to feel hungry every two to three hours.

As advised by his doctor, I had to prepare fresh food every time to avoid any kind of infection. It was nothing short of a twenty-four-hour day/night duty in the kitchen. I had no time to look after the kids. They were in any case fine now.

Fifteen days had already passed since we got infected and the risk of transmission was over now so my mom too could come out of her room.

But my hardships weren't over yet.

Taking care of my husband's medicines, steroids, food, sugar level checks etc. took all the time and energy I had.

And guess what ????

We were like two banks of a river staying in rooms a distance apart but facing each other, he alone in his room trying to fight out his weakness, and I looking after my kids in the remaining time.

Just for a few minutes each day my kids would stand near the door of their room and he would smile and pass kisses to them from his room and then he would close the door and get lost in music.

Music was his only solace during those days.

Just a couple of days had passed, when one evening he complained to me about having bloody stools. I got in touch with his doctor and he changed the antibiotics and suggested some more medicines, after which the symptoms subsided.

A week later he called me in his room at around 12:00 O'clock at night and asked me to be with him. It seemed as if he wasn't able to fight his loneliness. He was experiencing rapid palpitations and couldn't get up from his bed. He didn't even have the energy to move his fingers.

I immediately called his doctor, who asked me to check his BP but we didn't have the monitor. His sugar levels were normal.

The doctor talked with him at length and prescribed some blood tests.

He couldn't sleep the whole night nor could I. The next morning I took him to get the reports done. While we were waiting in our car for his turn, he started sweating profusely. I immediately called up my cousin who also got worried after listening to all his symptoms and asked me to get him admitted into some good hospital for post-kovid evaluation. The symptoms seemed to be pointing towards some heart-related issue

I called up the medical section of his office and they assured me of getting him admitted to a good hospital for further treatment. We returned back home and waited for a call from them.

After about an hour we were informed to go to Raheja Hospital, Mahim. The medical incharge of his office had already briefed them about his condition.

Meanwhile, he again started facing similar symptoms as he had faced the previous night.

Somehow I took him downstairs and we took a taxi and with his hand in mine and we both were just hoping that it would not be anything serious this time.

After a preliminary evaluation of his reports, especially his cardio check, he was immediately admitted into the ICU of the hospital where further examinations were done.

For the next three days he remained in the ICU, where all the CT scans, heart scans, brain scans and various other tests were conducted exclusively.

Their team of neurologists, cardiologist psychiatrist and many other specialists tried to evaluate why his blood pressure levels were so high the day he was admitted to the hospital.

His CT chest also was done once again which still pointed towards moderate pneumonia. He had developed kovid eyes, brain fog and various other skin symptoms. He had suffered severe anxiety attack. His blood flow was so sluggish that the staff couldn't retrieve blood in syringes for examinations.

His treatment started.

During his course of stay there which was for about a month I used to leave for the hospital after finishing all the tasks at my house and directing my maids about what should be fed to kids, to be with him the whole day and come back in the evening, take a bath, sit with my mom for sometime and then go meet my kids in their room and be with them.

Sometimes during those days my husband used to talk to me on the phone, the whole night.

Many times he would feel some awkward symptoms and would call me asking me to contact the doctors immediately and discuss those symptoms.

In short we both spent many sleepless nights, he in the hospital and me at home with kids.

And at the same time making my kids comfortable with me so as to prevent them from getting affected due to their father's long absence from their lives was also a task for me.

During my journey to and from the hospital, I used to be like a resident doctor issuing medical bulletins about him to mine and his family members. My mobile would start ringing as soon as I took a taxi.

If left with some time after these briefings, on my way back, I would quietly let my tears float in my eyes while listening to a deep bhajan which I came across accidentally during those days.

Today when I think back, I feel that perhaps it was God's way of helping me out as that bhajan had out of nowhere popped up on my notification panel and comforted my soul when I heard it for the first time. Even today I listen to that bhajan almost everyday.

My husband was finally discharged on the 20th of May, and we came back home hand in hand, the same way as I had taken him to the hospital.

His discharge was followed by a bed rest of about six months and regular medical checkups and psychiatric help after which he felt as if he was gaining his energy levels somewhat back.

Slowly he started coming to our room to sit with the kids and talk to them and sometimes play with them.

The first day when he entered the kids room to play with them, probably about three months after his discharge, I felt that I could ask the warrior in me to rest for some time and behave as a normal human being does.

He joined his office another 6 months later and slowly returned back to his normal life but those two months have been etched in my memory for a lifetime and I still tremble remembering those moments.

I still think

What if the power and toughness in me hadn't arisen that night

What if my inner strength hadn't helped me stay afloat and sail through that period

What if I hadn't kept hoping that nothing was going to happen to him

What if........

There are many what-ifs unanswered........

Again in January 2022, I had to invoke my powers once again, when we all contracted Omicron.

This time again I was the first one to get the infection, and then one by one all my kids and then my husband.

Moreover this time without any help, I did everything from cleaning to washing to cooking to looking after medications and other needs of us all, alone.

I again put that mask of courage on my face but one fear that was all the time hovering over me, was that what'll happen if any one of us needs hospital support. How would then we manage alone?

So I kept on praying to Maa Durga, not to put me in such a situation again and at the same time I kept on asking the Durga in me to tackle the situation courageously.

For a complete month we all suffered alone without any help, my husband with one kid in his room on the second floor and I with two kids in the room on the first floor.

I still remember how I used to ask my youngest kid to just keep on lying down on the bed and take care of his elder brother too, when I went to work in the kitchen, how I used to clean and mop only these two rooms with wet tissues, how I would wash the utensils after putting kids off to sleep and then massage hot oil on my husband's chest so as to relieve him of his dry cough symptoms, after which things started getting better.

Today I sometimes feel weak and helpless, I feel as if things are getting out of my hands, and I feel like difficulties have always blown themselves out of proportion to hurt me mentally and physically.

This feeling might have developed may be due to a long tiring battle with Kovid, post Kovid and then omicron but one thing is for sure that we must always fight back whenever we encounter troubles in our life.

Vo kehte hain naa..

Himmate marda toh madad e khuda

That's perhaps true in my case too.