My Realization

I watched in agony as the people lifted her frozen body, I stood still not being able to utter a word; wondering when I had grown so fond of her.

It never used to be like this, I never remembered when she faded in or out of my life. All I knew about her was that, she was my great grandmother. She was old and slow in each thing she did. Our shifting from Kerala to Bombay marked the start of my adventure. I was just a small girl arrogant, stubborn and ignorant. It all began when we shifted to a new home; she came from far and started living in my grandma’s house. She had wrinkled face, brown eyes, and her pure white hair knotted behind her head, a fake set of teeth and had a warm smile that adorned her face. She loved children especially me, but she never had children of her own. She was married to an elderly man at a very young age. She couldn’t finish her studies due to the presence of social evils that prevailed during that time. Every day when I returned from school, she would sit on a particular chair in the middle of the living room waiting for me, and when I would enter she would greet me in with a smile as bright as the sun; after changing my dress she would fold my uniform with care and affection. I can still remember her smile as warm as the golden rays of the sun.

The one thing I loved about her the most is her playful attitude. Due to old- age she suffered from blood pressure thus doctor had forbidden her to eat any fried or salty food. As soon as she realized her restriction her greed for pappadams (papad) grew more. She was tempted each time my grandma forbade her to have one. She loved pappadam and would quietly steal one or two during my grandma’s absence and, whenever she spotted me, she would hand me over a piece saying, “here take this and don’t speak a word of this to your grandma.” Even though she had a loving attitude, I was a stubborn kid. Whenever she would exchange a smile with me all I would ever give back was a cold frown. I still remember her asking me,” Why, girl, why do you always frown when I smile,” that touched my heart. I apologized for being rude to her. Our story was like the two sides of a coin. Although we didn’t get along very well at first, we became friends later on. Then there came my uncle’s wedding it was celebrated in a splendid manner. But her fate was so that she couldn’t travel so far to be a part of the wedding.

 Years after years passed and as my great grandma was enjoying her early nineties, she suffered from a fatal liver disorder. In due course she had some memory loss. She forgot my name and called me my mother’s name. She imagined that our long lost relatives and those who rarely visit her had come to meet her. She was then admitted in a nearby hospital. That was when I started recognizing her importance, her value. She was far more important than I could have imagined. I started repenting for my past deeds so, I kept hope. I thought that she would come back to play another game of catch n catch, steal more pappadams, and welcome me in with a warm smile after the school. I promised myself I would never frown at her again, never let her feel alone and this time make her feel proud.

One day I went with my father to pay her a visit in the hospital ICU. When I stepped in I was gleeful to see her welcoming me with a smile, the way she used to do when I returned from school but, there was something new about the way she smiled it was the best smile that she had. In her deep brown eyes I could still see the pain, unsure of whether it was the pain she had from her failure or, the scars that I had slowly inflicted on her; with my sharp stinging words. Slowly she called me close and kissed me on my forehead and said, “My dear, how are you? Don’t worry. I’m perfectly fine. I would be coming home soon. How are your studies going? Study well, ok my dear.” I was assured that she would return and gladly I too gave her a kiss in return, the first and last time!

One day while returning from the dance class, my mom told me,” Daughter I have a bad news for you, would you feel sad.” I said, “Mom don’t worry, I am quite optimistic, say it I won’t even shed a tear.” Then my mom revealed the dark secret, she revealed that my great grandma was no longer alive, she had passed away! “What?” I yelled out loud but I tried my best to play it cool. But I couldn’t resist my emotions any longer; reaching home I went to my room and started crying heart- broken. My plans to enjoy with her, her smile, her love, the promise of not frowning with her again and above all the expectations of her returning home; flashed back in front of my eyes just like a film clip. I didn’t even get a chance to thank her or correct my mistakes! Tears continuously rolled down my cheeks, I wept and wept but in vain.

We soon had to go for the burial ceremony to my grandma’s place. My heart felt heavy it was guilty. I felt that I was somehow responsible for all this to happen. I went and stood there amidst the crowd and looked at her lying motionless on the floor. I heard the people saying that they knew this was going to happen. Then why me, why did they hide it from me. I stood there silently deep in thoughts the memories of the past as it flooded over me. I got a glimpse of her lying motionless on the floor, that’s when I realize that she was asleep a deep sleep, a spell that could never be broken.

I stood there unable to shed a tear. People crowded around her and everyone gave my great grandmother her last meal. And now it was my turn I took the spoon and brought it near her mouth. My hands were shivering, my heart was beating. I took a deep breath and then I got a glimpse of her face, that old and wrinkled face seemed as the prettiest face I had ever seen. Her slow hands looked as comforting as the wings of a mother bird beckoning me to come into her arms. My eyes filled with tears I took it closer as I poured it into her mouth my teardrops substituted the  Tulsi (holy basil) water. Then I touched her feet thinking that when I would do so she would open her eyes and take me in her arms, her wrinkled hands running over my head.

“All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and entrances” great words once listed by a great poet came true. I watched her, tears filing my little eyes as she lay motionless on the floor. I felt as if for the last time she had given that smile that sunshine shimmering smile, but for a totally different purpose for a long goodbye and sprinkling blessing flied towards the sky above the seven heavens to Elysium. Then she was laid on to a bed four people holding the four sides and they lifted her slowly as if they were trying to not disturb her deep sleep. I looked at her desperately as she was taken to the pyre. The days thereafter I lost interest in everything. That was the biggest lesson ever leant which was taught by a great teacher. Even today when I enter the room I look at that particular chair where she would sit and welcome me with her warm sunny smile, play catch n catch and steal pappadams. She used to always say that, “Life is an exam where the syllabus is unknown and question papers are not set,” at that time I never understood what she wished to make me understand.

Now I realize that in life we don’t know what will come and go, what we have to face just like an exam that you have not prepared for but after solving every question you will learn something new and important, something with which we can make the world a better place for others.