Maybe not

(My diary, 7 years ago) 

Housie party

"I think I won again!"I chirped excitedly as the crowd of grown ups stared at me in awe.

I was the first one to join in whenever there was a game and most probably the one who suggested it.

I kinda like to be the one organising the game or to be an active participant. I love to make people roll on the floor laughing at my jokes and maybe I will be better at it in the future. I wonder how I always end up being the leader of the game group lol. Parties and Group games always excited me and I hope they still do in the future. 

(Just a scribble,  the present) 

Test again. Relaxation?Whats that? Friends?Nope duh. Exams tomorrow, homework today. No complaints.Why? Because it atleast keeps me busy from worse things in life. No friends. Why? Because I never had any. Just the casual hi s once a month that's it. Never a real friend. Don't wanna sound negative but maybe I'm meant to be always alone. And being alone definitely has loneliness stuck with it. Not that my parents and family don't support you or you have any fights. But the serious lack of understanding.I'm not even that close to them. Maybe they find it difficult to understand me. I'm not mixing, warm or friendly enough. I speak my mind which is considered like a crime here given the aftermath. So what then? Studies? Any other talent? Not great. Even if I spent my whole freaking childhood not enjoying, not having parties and trying to be disciplined and staying away from get togethers and festivities mainly due to 'academic reasons'. Not a single thing to brag about. I think it'll be really disappointing for you to know that. Damn. I've so much in me. This is sounding like a diary entry rather than a story. Maybe that's what happens when you are so alone that you consider being alone a part of life. Don't get me wrong. I've never been short of anything. I consider myself privileged because I know that there are people in way worse situation I can't even dare to imagine. But it's what is there in in me emotionally.Not that anyone's gonna judge me here. Judgement.Yeah.Thats what I live with and that is what I breathe here. But I'll clear it today. I don't care. I don't care because these 'judgementaI people' don't give a damn if I go missing tomorrow.They just know one side to my story or maybe less. Because that's what I chose to show them. I've been given a good life and maybe more than I need. I think it's me who's made it like this.If you count luxury mentally I might score negative. Nope, I don't need counselling because that's the last thing I want. I never had a sense of achievement , because I never had any real ones. Ok, I don't even want those because I know the hard work and determination rule and I don't get to complain which I'm not. All I want, is to have a friend. Not a casual Aquaintance, but a real one. I've been dissapointed so many times in the past that I'm afraid to make any more. I don't just wanna casually go out and say, 'Hey! Wanna be friends with me for life?My real friend? ,' you don't do that. You just know when you have one. Maybe that's what makes me a hardcore introvert lol. I've been so dissapointed and sad with these pieces of crap that all I enjoy now is me time.(even though introverts have real friends). If someone lived my life, I guarantee you my life they'd say the same.Ive started hating the idea of friends maybe because I envy it and if I don't want to feel like shit again, I've to let it go. But, can I? Let it go? Everyday gets my mind closer to clarity. Each day of emotional darkness proves my point. Nothing bad has happened. In fact, everything is normal. And that's the main problem here. Normal. Or nothing. Not up. I wonder there was a device which could measure success and hard work stuff and tell the dumb me what it takes. But again, a great saying comes up here. "Success is relative".Great.Now that's a flop too.

I surprise myself sometimes at how depressing I can be. I wasn't before you know. Or maybe I thought I wasn't. I laugh at jokes like everyone. I eat like everyone else. I'm fine like everyone. But what's different is that the huge amount of tears flowing down my face and me just collapsing almost every night without me even knowing. I wish someone could answer me, What went wrong? But of course, how would anyone know?

And I hope to give an answer to myself soon, but I know it's very daring for me to hope something like this. Because it's only me who understands me.

And that's that.

The wierd me.