Live My Life Or Run From It

I don't want to feel this lonely anymore. Someone take me away from this painful reality. I was drowning but nobody saw my struggle. Those nights when I just break down, realising how lonely I am, and that nobody even cares. I'm stuck between trying to live my life and trying to run from it. Just because you people see a smile doesn't mean there isn't pain. I'm often silent when I'm screaming inside.

You people know what? Actually the worst kind of sad is not being able to explain why. I don't know why people think I'm always happy. Little do they know, I'm a broken. My chest hurts because my heart keeps breaking. It's been a couple of years since I've felt this low, and here I thought I was doing better. Looks like I lied to myself.

When will be the pain end? How do I run away from things that are in my head? Their is a voice in my head says "I'm better off dead".

I'm left alone with my thoughts running in my head. I always hide my feelings in public and went home crying yet everyone else thought "she ' I ' was the happiest". They never know what someone is going through just because they see me smiling, doesn't mean that everything is okay. 

For everyone I was an human toy which is not having any feelings. They start full of joy and end up breaking me. I wish I was SPECIAL, I keep so much pain inside myself, my head is a VERY DARK place, my mind is a NIGHTMARE, I'm not me anymore, I hate being alone, depression stole the best part of me.

I say I'm fine but inside me I'm screaming. I'm an insecure mess. LIES N HATES are an infection to my life. Little by little, day by day, it slowly infects my heart and my mind. The worst thing about depression is that it is ADDICTIVE. It begins to feel uncomfortable not to be depressed. I feel guilty to feel happy.

How can I run away from myself? Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me? Do you ever feel like people just forget you exist? 

I just need someone to hug me and tell me I'm not as worthless as I think I'm. My mind is a mess and my heart is a wreck. 

" WE WOULD KNOW LIFE ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT TO LIVE IS TO NOT KNOW".