My Depression Journey

In 2016, I suffered from a major breakdown. I was depressed.

I thought for many people around me. It was completely unexpected. Everything I had planned for myself [my career, my romance, my life] was exactly how it should be, and I had no problem playing the happy-go-lucky girl I thought I should be.

But something wasn’t quite right. I was so close to having everything I wanted, and yet it didn’t seem quite right.

I would come home to my dad and feel so disconnected from him. I had worked hard all my life to be a responsible, hard-working and organized girl. The image was gone as I tried to find a way to desperately escape from myself.

And while I continued to push myself away from reality, I got angry. I was upset with my dad and everyone else for not reaching out to me, to make sure I was okay while I stayed up all hours of the night lost in the other reality. I was angry with myself for not concentrating on my studies which I needed to do when I was this close to graduation. I was mad at the world for making things worse: the guy who took advantage of me while I was not at my best. Dad was not even trying to reach out to me and the people who taken me for granted and betrayed me for their insecurities and over possessiveness.

Eventually, I just lost myself. I snapped.

First time in the past four years I fell into a deep hole of depression.

Now I personally think depression is different for different people. My depression was a complete loss of self. A loss of identity, a loss of soul, a loss of life. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life [ and even when I think about it now my stomach clenches and I feel a little bubble of anxiety growing inside me] – feeling as if I was no longer me.

Everything wasn’t quite right before all this happened. However, I always felt like it was okay because I was working towards all my goals. If I were to just persevere, it would be okay because I had myself and that was all I needed. I ingrained that in my brain and really pushed myself because I knew if I wanted to get anywhere it would be with me.

And then suddenly there I am, and I don’t feel like I have me anymore. I don’t feel like I have my very soul, my very essence anymore as I felt if the person I was had abandoned me, and all that was left was this physical shell. And when your soul has left you, when all you are is but a shell that used to hold a beautiful person, then what is the point of carrying on? What’s the point?

That was the deepest and darkest part of my depression. Everything boiled down to not knowing myself and hating it. All I wanted was me again, and I didn’t feel like I would ever get it back.

To help share what I was going through at the time, I decided I would share entries from the journal I kept during my depression. I would spend an hour writing each page, spending most of my energy on trying to make the page pretty instead of focusing wholly on my emotions. And yet they always found their way in.

How I recovered from such a low point, I’m not quite sure. I think it was a combination of three things: picking back up the things I love, exercising, music and creating new goals.

One of the main things I did during my depression to try and help me find myself was to pick back up the various hobbies I had abandoned over the years. I started to read again, which I had neglected for a long time due to university work and playing guess games. I doodled a lot and tried not to hate myself when it didn’t turn out quite how I wanted it to. I tried to learn the violin. I did a lot of the little things I used to do for fun and I was happy that I could still do them. I felt a little less lost, and I was happy that it gave my mind a break from its constant self- abuse.

Exercising is something that I never did too regularly. I would go through little workout phases here and there but never stuck with anything for a prolonged amount of time.

And lastly, I created new goals. I thrive off goals. I was destroyed when I gave up on my original goals, because not only did I feel like a failure but I had no idea how to live life without a goal. I didn’t know what to do with myself. So as I struggled through my depression, I found myself making new goals. They weren’t always the smartest goals. I suddenly felt like I could be a little crazier in my dreams because I had nothing holding me back. Why not do something crazy? What did I have to lose?

Somehow, through a combination of these three things, I pulled myself out of my depression. I slowly figured out that I was still me, even if it wasn’t me I thought I was. I made new career plans and went back to the institute to finish my graduation. And reading became part of my life again to the extent that I decided to stand up and fight against fate. I don't know what's my destiny but certainly, I won't give up a chance without even trying once. I couldn't afford to lose focus now. Tomorrow’s victory would change many things for me. I could finally prove to society, the sexist guys, the bloody bitches, relatives, and other neighbors that a girl is no less a guy in any way and that a girl is more than just her external beauty. I pulled up my socks and started the journey towards my destiny.