Lights Definitely Out

Mira sobbed in the dark room. After 10 years of marriage how could her husband Joy utter such an inconsiderate statement?  She had worked so hard to build their love nest, took care of their two beautiful daughters while he was constantly away from home dealing with his corporate clients in India and abroad. Ten years ago she had been so sure that she was taking the right decision and encouraged no discouragement from her parent’s side who had been reminding her of the usual problems that waylaid inter-religion marriages. They had tried vainly to reason with her that since she had been brought up in a devout Hindu household, it would be impossible for her to adjust in a Catholic environment that permeated Joy’s home. After having a steady relationship for five years Mira had drained all her emotions and was sure that she would not be able to regenerate feelings for a new stranger who would have been her parents’ choice.

Mira and Joy had interacted on a social networking site, they eventually decided to meet and fell in love. Joy had just started to chase his corporate dreams in a reputed multinational company in Mumbai while his parents were settled in Kochi. Mira on the other hand had left her hometown Nagpur to pursue higher studies in Pune. Joy had swept her off her feet with his charming manners, incessant phone calls and letters every week. Mira was literally sleeping, eating and breathing ‘Joy’. Joy did not give her a chance to think about anything or anybody else and for an impressionable twenty-two year old, so much attention was like ‘Manna from Heaven’. Their weekends together were pure bliss- long drives, stolen kisses in the darkened movie theatres, shopping, dining and eventually they went on a small getaway trip to Goa which further strengthened her belief that Joy was the man for her. It had to be him or no one else; as in Goa she had given him her heart, body and soul.

After a series of threats, tears, cajoling and reluctance from both sets of parents it finally dawned on both set of parents that nothing they did would alter the inevitable as far as Joy and Mira were concerned so the parents acquiesced. A Third World war like situation arose when the time arrived to decide which marriage rituals was to be followed ‘Hindu’ or ‘Christian’? None of the parties were willing to budge an inch and so to keep both sides in good humour first the marriage was solemnized as per Hindu customs followed by a church wedding. The much in love couple settled finally in their love nest after a whirlwind honeymoon in Maldives where they explored the local landscape and luxuriated in their intimate bodyscape.

Life started on a normal footing once they returned from their honeymoon. Mira picked up a job in a local school and Joy chased his ambitious corporate dreams. Mira spent her days teaching in school in the morning and then cooking, cleaning and taking care of Joy’s every needs. Eventually nature took its course and Mira one morning joyfully discovered two distinct colour bands in the pregnancy test she undertook at home. The rounds to gynaecologist started every month and Mira went through the routine alone since Joy was always busy with his business trips. Mira went through the difficult first trimester alone. She eventually had to call her mother since she couldn’t trust herself to tackle all household chores in the midst of nausea, lethargy and general weakness. Mira’s mother-in-law shed off her responsibility stating that babies are born in the girl’s house and so Mira’s parents were supposed to shoulder all responsibility regarding child birth.

After nine months ‘Ahana’ was born through Caesarean section. Joy was not present at childbirth as he was abroad on a business trip. He met his daughter for the first time after a month. Joy was not a hands-on parent but he showered his daughter with gifts to make up for his long absences. His parents grudgingly blessed their grandchild over the telephone since they didn’t think that a girl child merited a trip from paternal grandparents.  Mira left her job when her mother left for Nagpur. Mira devoted herself full time taking care of her baby’s every need. She tried hard but Joy always found faults with her housekeeping and kept complaining about her neglect of her duties as his wife.

Mira despite all odds steadfastly trudged on and soon her baby set feet out of the house to meet children of her age in playschool. Mira felt now she had some time to pursue her interests. She took up her paintbrush again and expressed her beautiful mind through breath-taking nature shots. Joy was steadily climbing the corporate ladder and his sense of responsibility weighed heavily in favour of office rather than his home and hearth. Mira took up her teaching job again. She kept herself content and busy looking after the children at school and her little angel back at home. Joy found now more reasons to complain as Mira couldn’t accompany him to his official parties where kids were not allowed. Joy accused Mira of neglecting him and his needs as he felt she was always caught up with domestic chores or with Ahana’s demands not to mention her school work. Try as she might Mira could not make Joy understand that she had to keep herself busy so that she would not miss him so much in his long absences. Her work was her solace and comfort, Ahana was her responsibility and she could not think of leaving Ahana in the hands of a maid just to attend a party. Parties would definitely thrive without her, but her daughter would not blossom into a beautiful human being if both the parents were too busy to attend to the child’s needs. Mira refused to compromise on anything that concerned Ahana as she felt that she had brought Ahana into this world and till her last breath, she would fulfil all her responsibility as a parent.

Joy grudgingly accepted Mira’s decision and their conjugal life edged ahead in a cyclical manner where Joy was complacent and lax about his responsibility as a father and husband and Mira too conscientious, trying to become both mother and father to little Ahana.  Life’s cycle for Mira took a jolt after five years when Mira discovered two bright purple lines again in the test kit. She had casually taken the test without even thinking too much about her missing monthly cycle. Though shocked initially Mira accepted this reality as she felt Ahana would be happier with a sibling for company. Ahana would learn the value of sharing, caring and love that is exclusive to siblings. Once Joy was back from the trip he was perturbed to hear this news. He wasn’t looking forward to embrace fatherhood all over again. When he shared this news with his parents, they advised him to let Mira go ahead with the pregnancy since this time they might be blessed with a grandson- an heir to carry on their family name. This time also Mira went through the same routine of visiting doctors unchaperoned, taking care of Ahana and attending to Joy’s every needs. It was Mira’s mother’s arrival that provided Mira with much needed respite and rest. Mira’s mother asked Mira to speak to her husband and remind him of his responsibility as a father but Mira forbid her mother from addressing any of her concerns to Joy as Mira knew he would not have time to listen to Mira’s problems, he was too busy sorting financial doldrums of epic proportions in his office. In her second pregnancy Mira developed lot of complications; she was detected with preeclampsia, severe recurring headache, gestational diabetes and also hypothyroidism.  Mira was under constant medication and repeated medical supervision. Joy always found enough reason not to accompany Mira except when his presence was specifically sought by the Gynaecologist. Throughout her second pregnancy Mira’s mother and little Ahana was Mira’s pillar of strength. Ahana was scared to see her mother so weak and emaciated; she tried to keep her mother cheerful always by singing to her, telling her bedtime stories or anything else that her little mind could conjure to provide the much needed succour to her mother.

 Finally the d-day arrived and Mira was scared to discover in the morning on her way to the bathroom that her water had broken. She was immediately rushed to the nursing home and through C-section Mira delivered a bonny baby sister for Ahana. Ahana was overjoyed as she had secretly prayed to God every day for a baby sister, but Ahana’s father and his parents were devastated by the news. While Mira was recuperating in the hospital, her parents-in-law called to congratulate her grudgingly and advised her to try for a baby again so that this time she would be blessed with a baby boy. Mira refused to react and like all other times she took their verbal assault stoically. Life took on its own course once Mira came back home. Mira’s mother returned five months later and Mira spent her days busily with her two support systems- her daughters. She spun visual images in her mind of their future. Joy’s absences from home increased and the times he came home he was always fatigued for all other activity except his performances on their conjugal bed. Mira took everything in her stride till one day Joy returned from his official trip. After dinner, when the kids feel asleep Mira came back to their bedroom and found Joy waiting for her after having his usual routine of two pegs of whisky. The moment she reached within his arm’s length he drew her close and urgently peeled off her clothes. Mira snuggled closer to him, revelling in his closeness. When the last item of clothing was discarded Joy moved to the side of the bed to switch off the light. Mira was curious to know about the need for such modesty after so many years of married life. She stopped Joy by playfully drawing him back and forbade him from switching off the lights as she liked watching Joy’s face so near to hers. Joy stopped in his tracks and in his drink laced voice said, ‘You know Mira, though I love you yet you have become so disgraceful to look at these days what with so much of pregnancy fat stored in every nook and corner of your once lithe body, along with those ugly stretch marks traversing the length and breadth of your stomach which by the way has bulged in epical proportion. I fail to evince any desire for you when the lights are full on, that’s why to make love to you these days I need the lights out. Mira was appalled, shocked and stunned by her husband’s callous and uncouth remarks. She went through the routine like an automaton while her mind recollected and remembered those first moments when she had fallen in love with Joy. Her tolerance of all this years of Joy’s apathy, his selfishness, his neglect trickled away. Once Joy fell off to sleep, Mira sobbed her heart out in that dark room lying in her ten year old marital bed. Her heart was bleeding profusely by the pricks of Joy’s callous statement.

She listlessly fell asleep after hours of venting her anguish. Life continued on its usual routine from the next morning onwards on the surface. Mira in her mind vowed to take charge of her life again. She enrolled for her Doctoral program, took care of her health and fitness. She eventually completed her Ph.D. Once her younger daughter was old enough to go to playschool, Mira started looking out for better job prospects and one fine day her wish was fulfilled. She got a call from a reputed college in Australia to join as faculty member after she underwent rounds of interviews over telephone and Skype. Mira was ecstatic to find a new purpose to her life. She went through her routine at home normally and awaited Joy’s return from one of his numerous official trips.

Joy noticed Mira’s new found confidence and her svelte figure. He complimented her by saying-‘Wow Mira, you finally did something for me, you shed off those disgraceful pounds, I would be so proud now to show you off again to my colleagues’’.  Mira remained quiet. At night while getting ready to sleep Mira was nudged amorously by Joy.  She lay unresponsive which further fuelled Joy’s advances, he forcefully tried to grapple her. With a calm demeanour Mira brushed his hands aside and told – ‘I am glad Joy you noticed my new svelte figure, but let me clear your misconception whatever I have done now with my body and my life is because I wanted to do it for my own ‘self’. You know what Joy; I am unable to ignite any passion in my body for you since now you too have managed to pile on pounds of fat to your body and to your mind. To let you close to my body now I would need the lights to be definitely out’. Joy was dumbstruck with Mira’s calm statement and didn’t know how to react. He never expected such a reaction from his usually docile wife.

 Joy backed off and eventually drifted off to sleep lost in thoughts. In the morning, Joy was amazed to see Mira and the kids dressed and ready along with luggage. He sceptically asked Mira about her plans, to which Mira informed him that for years she had lived life as per his convenience, now she wanted to take charge of her life and give her kids a life where they could blossom and evolve as complete human beings. She informed Joy about her job offer and her future plans which did not include his presence. With this declaration she and the kids turned the door knob and walked out of the house which for years they had desperately tried to build up as a home. Mira found a new swing in her steps and she gulped in fresh breath of air, with a toss of her hair she thought she might fail in the new life she was stepping into, but she would have been doomed if she never tried to break free. She remembered a quote from Anais Nin: ‘There comes a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud is more painful than the risk it takes to blossom.’ She felt completely at peace after years, as she knew the risk that she was taking for herself and her daughters would be worth it, if not she would make it worthwhile.

© Paromita Mukherjee Ojha July 2015